Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

Sharing

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American man, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.
The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

The Englishman offered everyone a crumpet, then threw the rest out of the window, saying, "Don't worry - we have plenty of those where I come from."

Then the American threw the lawyer out the window, saying...

[Shammu]

Two questions

You’re a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?".
"Absolutely! What’s the second question?"



I know.........GROAN..........

[Shammu]

Dangerous Squirrels

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe’s first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob’s lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said "There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed."
"So then what did make you scream," Bob asked, exasperated. "Well," Joe continued, "two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, "Should we take them home or eat ’em now?""  

[Shammu]

Cow Pat Lip Gloss

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin’ ’em."

[Shammu]

Free Drink

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What’ll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That’ll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this."
A lawyer,bartender, "You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration."
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again."
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!"
The guy says, "What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."
To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

[Shammu]

Baseball Heaven?


There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there’s baseball in heaven?"

Soloman thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let’s make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."

They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You’re pitching on Friday."

[JudgeNot]

DW - you're killin' me here...  

[Shammu]

DW - you're killin' me here...  

Good here are some more...............

 Q.Why did the boy stand behind the horse?
A.He thought he might get a kick out of it!

Q.What is the difference between a horse and a duck?
A.One goes quick and the other goes quack!

 
 Q:How do you lead a horse to water?
A:With lots of carrots.

Q:What do you get when you cross a goat a donkey and a ram?
A:Simple.A nice big kick in the BBBButt.

Q: What disease do horses fear most?
A: Hay Fever!

[Shammu]

"Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first."

What is a horses favorite T.V. show?
Neeeebours

Q: What do you call a horse wearing Venetian blinds?
A: A zebra!

Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet.

Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.

[Shammu]

Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.

Q: How long should a horse's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.

Q: What is the best type of story to tell a runaway horse?
A: A tale of WHOA

There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.

[Shammu]

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horsesback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!

[Shammu]

An out-of-towner accidently drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."

[Shammu]

Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow!
A talking greyhound!"

[Shammu]

Q: What animal has more "hands" than feet?
A: Why, a horse, of course!

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.

Q: What do you call pony with a sore throat?
A: A little hoarse.

Q: What part of the horse has the most hair?
A: The outside!!!

Q: Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek"
Q: Who wrote it?
A: Major Bumsore  

[Shammu]

Q: What do you give a sick horse?
A: Cough stirrup.

Q: What's a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis

Q: Why did the horse go behind the tree?
A: To change his jockeys.

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: How's your hay fever?

Q: What do you call it when you pass a tail, ears, mane and legs?
A: A horse.

Q: A man rode into town on June 3rd, stayed a week, and rode out on June 3rd.
How is this possible?
A: His horse's name was June 3rd.

Q: How to make a small fortune in the horse industry ...
A: start with a large fortune.