Laughter - Good Medicine

[sincereheart]

*tiptoes in*

*looks around*

*laughs (some really good ones here!)*

*tiptoes out*

 

[Symphony]

from bep, earlier:

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.  (Hm.  I might change this one to:  "I'm busy. You're ugly.  Deal with it."   )


Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. (I would omit "please"... )

All stressed out and no one to choke.    

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.  

How can I miss you if you won't go away  



These are perfect, bep.  

[Symphony]

also from bep, earlier:

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.

Shopping is not a sport.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.

Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil.

Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.  
 
 
Hm, bep, I think I might post these on the refrigerator.

[Symphony]

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?



All stressed out and no one to choke.




     

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

Some of these work pretty well for school teachers on Fridays after teaching for 30 years.    I just say "Yes", salute, and go do what I'm told on Friday night. There always has to be 2 or 3 kids in the class that pinch the absolute last nerve on that poor teacher by Friday. Two more years and she can retire. In the meantime, I'm the only one close enough to choke on the weekend.    It's best to talk softly, not make eye contact, and simply sit quietly until you are given orders on something to do.  

In Christ,
Tom

[Left Coast]

After being interviewed by the school administration, the eager teaching prospect said: "Let me see if I've got this right.
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits.
"You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
"I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and oh, make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.
"My contract requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers. Also, I must spend my summer vacation at my own expense working toward advance certification and a Masters degree. And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.
"I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority. And I am to pledge allegiance to family values and this current administration.
"You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student. That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.
"I am to make sure all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments. Plus, I am to make sure that all of the students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.. And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, newsletter and report card..
"All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps! "You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me. . . NOT TO PRAY?"

[JudgeNot]

Left Coast - I don't know whether to laugh or cry...
 

[Left Coast]

(1) God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.

(2) Dear God, I have a problem -- it's me.

(3) Growing old is inevitable, growing UP is optional.

(4) There is no key to happiness. The door is always open.

(5) Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.

(6) Do the math ... count your blessings.

(7) Faith is the ability to not panic.

( Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging.

(9) If you worry, you didn't pray. If you pray, don't worry.

(10) As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday.

(11) Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

(12) The most important things in your home are the people.

(13) When we get tangled up in our problems, be still. God wants us to be
still so He can untangle the knot.

(14) A grudge is a heavy thing to carry.

(15) He who dies with the most toys is still dead.

(16) We do not remember days, but moments.

(17) Life is moving too fast, so enjoy your precious moments.


(18) Nothing is real to you until you experience it, otherwise it's just
hearsay.

(19) It's all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just
remember to flush it occasionally!

[JudgeNot]

What your mother taught you:


1.  My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of  that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught  me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me  about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut  your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me  about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that  dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is  gone."

11. My mother taught  me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I  brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14.  My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR  MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught  me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father. "

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Left Coast]

25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

And one of my four is a splitting image.
He lives about a mile from my house, he thinks my name is Safeway.
Unfortunatly my mother died before his teen years, she would have laughed herself silly.
I loved your post.

[nChrist]

   -  Thanks for those laughs Brothers!

I have a real old one that has been updated. I think I can honestly state it is a REAL KNEE SLAPPER!
____________________

This is an old one but updated and great!

GREEN SNAKES ARE OK?  READ ON...

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there
passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.  Meanwhile the burning drapes
had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.[b/]    
____________________

My 80 year old aunt in Galveston, Texas sent that to me. It was funny in the old version, but it's even better now.

[Coyote]

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and  she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em." Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But,she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
.......Her trial starts next month

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Coyote,

   Thanks Brother, I needed that laugh.

Tom

[Paul2]

     LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

 -  Thanks for those laughs Brothers!

I have a real old one that has been updated. I think I can honestly state it is a REAL KNEE SLAPPER!
____________________

This is an old one but updated and great!

GREEN SNAKES ARE OK?  READ ON...

Green garden grass snakes can be dangerous, Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas had a lot of potted plants, and during a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.  It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out
and the wife saw it go under the sofa.  She let out a very loud scream.

The husband who was taking a shower ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was.  She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it.

About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the leg. He thought the snake had bitten him and he fainted.  His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance.  The attendants rushed in and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man.  He volunteered to capture the snake.  He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.

Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.  But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around.  She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and the neighbor man, seeing her laying there
passed out tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.  An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake.  She went to the kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived.  They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred.  They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.  They called an ambulance, which took away the
neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch.  One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.  He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of the sofa.  The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on fire.  Meanwhile the burning drapes
had spread to the walls and the entire house was blazing.

Neighbors had called the fire department and the arriving fire-truck had started raising his ladder as they were halfway down the street.  The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.

Time passed.  Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was re-built, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.  The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.  She shot him.[b/]    
____________________

My 80 year old aunt in Galveston, Texas sent that to me. It was funny in the old version, but it's even better now.

LOL You get