Laughter - Good Medicine

[Ambassador4Christ]

The 10 Best Caddy Replies

# 10
Golfer   "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy  "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#  9
Golfer   "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy  "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#  8
Golfer   "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy  "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#  7
Golfer   "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy  "Eventually."

#  6
Golfer   "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy  "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#  5
Golfer   "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy  "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#  4
Golfer   "How do you like my game?"
Caddy  "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#  3
Golfer   "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy  "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#  2
Golfer   "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy  "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

# 1 Best Caddy Comment
Golfer "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

[JudgeNot]

A4C - I'm not a golfer - but that was pretty good! Now I know why I'm NOT a golfer!  

(But there's a lot of bass out there that think I'm the biggest joke in the world!)  

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

     Thanks Brother!, I needed that laugh.

I'll tell you a groaner of a golf joke since I was reminded of it.
_____________

This executive was sick of being beat at golf and decided he had to find someone he could beat. He went driving in the country and found an old guy in overalls on a tractor. The farmer said that he didn't know anything about golf, but he agreed to go.

The executive told the farmer a little bit about the game and gave terms for a few things. He said, "See that flag down there? You want to take this club, hit that ball, and try to make it land as close as you can to that flag."

The farmer hit a beautiful shot, the ball hit the flag, and it came to rest about two feet from the hole.

The executive got really mad and said, "I thought you didn't know anything about golf! You almost hit the ball into the hole on the first shot!"

The farmer said, "Why didn't you tell me I was supposed to hit the ball into the hole?"

   
 

[JudgeNot]

GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
        -Stephen Bishop

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
      - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
      - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
     - Clarence Darrow

 "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
 - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

 "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
      -Samuel Johnson

 "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

 "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
      -Groucho Marx

 "They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
      -Thomas Beckett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
     - Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
    - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
    - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
     -Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
    -Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
    - Billy Wilder

[sincereheart]

There's nothing sadder than the childless couple. It breaks your heart to see them stretched out, relaxing around swimming pools in Florida and California, suntanned and miserable on the decks of boats, trotting off to enjoy Europe like lonesome fools -- with money to spend, time to enjoy themselves and nothing to worry about.

Childless couples become so selfish and wrapped up in their own concerns that you feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the kids' discipline. They miss all the fun "doing without" for the child's sake. It's a pathetic sight.

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experiences attached to each stage in the development of the young.

The happy memories of those early years -- saturated mattresses, waiting for sitters who don't show, midnight asthma attacks, rushing to the emergency room of the hospital to get the kid's head stitched up.

Then comes the payoff -- when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut.

What can equal the warm smile of a small lad with the sun glittering on $1,500 worth of braces -- ruined by peanut brittle -- or the frolicking, carefree voices of 20 hysterical savages running amok, at a birthday party?

How sad not to have children to brighten your cocktail parties -- massaging potato chips into the rug and wrestling with guests for the olives in their martinis.

How empty is the home without challenging problems that make for a well-rounded life -- and an early breakdown; the end-of-day report from Mother, related like strategically placed blows to the temple, the tender, thoughtful
discussions when the report card reveals that your senior son is a moron.

Children are worth every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice. You know it the first time you take your son hunting. He didn't mean to shoot you in the leg. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? So disappointed you weren't a deer. Those are the memories a man treasures.

Think back to that night of romantic adventure, when your budding, beautiful daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shares in such a wonderful growing experience?

Could a woman without children equal the strength and heroism of your wife when she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window? Only a father could have the courage to stand by -- ready to jump after her.

The childless couple lives in a vacuum. They try to fill their lonely lives with dinner dates, theater, golf, tennis, swimming, civic affairs and trips all over the world.

The emptiness of life without children is indescribable.

See what the years have done. He looks boyish, unlined and rested. She is slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn't natural. If they had kids, they'd look like the rest of us -- tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard. In other words, normal.

--author unknown

[Shylynne]

Then comes the payoff -- when the child grows from a little acorn into a real nut.

LOL! I have 3 real nuts...all NORMAL like me too...well...without the tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard part  

[nChrist]

One Parachute Short  -  This is funny.....this should make your day.......


An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board,  but only 4 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said "I am Kobe Bryant, the best NBA basketball player; the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Hillary Clinton said, "I am the wife of the former U.S. President, a senator from New York, and a potential future president and I am the smartest woman in American history, so America's people don't want me to die." She took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 3rd passenger, Wesley Clark, said "I'm a general in the Army of the United States of America. I am also going to be my party's nominee for President ." So he grabbed the pack next to him and jumped.

The 4th passenger, President George W. Bush, said to the 5th passenger, a 10 year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country well. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay. There's a parachute left for you.

America's smartest woman took my schoolbag!"

Now didn't this make you smile....

[Symphony]

For sale:  Parachute.  Used once--didn't open.



     

[nChrist]

Good Advice!  -  Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own hands. This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.


DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

Pass this onto all of your hormonal friends and those who might need a good laugh! Or men who need a warning! And remember: Money talks...but chocolate sings.

[Warrior For Christ]

Texas Doctor Stories...
>
> Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries
> that they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.
A
> concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8
> months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
>
> One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs  in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."
>
> The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's butt and a cowboy hat. Now he's president of the United States."

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Warrior For Christ,

     Thanks - I needed that laugh. I would say that the 3rd surgeon did a terrific job.

[ollie]

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up
first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking
around here and you should do it, because that is your
job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it
is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New
Testament and showed him at the top of several pages,
that it indeed says..........

"HEBREWS"

[nChrist]

     Thanks Brother Ollie - I needed that laugh!

Now, I have a sudden urge for coffee.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Shammu]

A little bit of Church humor........

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

========

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

========

"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block
10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

========

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'"

========

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
A little Church humour


"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

===========
Go in peace with God
DW

[nChrist]

   Thanks Dreamweaver - I needed those laughs.

I think that I have some more saved from email. I'll have to find them and return the favor.

Love In Christ,
Tom