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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #435 on: October 23, 2003, 03:03:56 PM »

>God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

BAD

LOL Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #436 on: October 23, 2003, 03:03:59 PM »

 Blonde Suicide




A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of
her little finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to
commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You
tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest.
Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast
implants, I'm not going to shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just
paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee,
this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my
finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
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ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #437 on: October 23, 2003, 03:07:06 PM »

Todays English Lesson


   We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
   but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

   One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
   yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

   You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
   yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

   If the plural of man is always called men,
   why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

   If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
   and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

   If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
   why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

   Then one may be that, and three would be those,
   yet Hat in the plural would never be hose,
   and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

   We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
   but though we say mother, we never say methren.

   Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
   but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.


 Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking  English:

  1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

   2) The farm was used to produce produce.

   3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

   4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

   5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

   6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

   7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
 present the
       present.

   Cool At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

   9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

  10) I did not object to the object.

  11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

  12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

  13) They were too close to the door to close it.

  14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

  15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

  16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

  17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

  18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

  19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

  20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

  21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

  22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


 Screwy pronunciations can mess up your mind! For example...

 If you have a rough cough, climbing can be tough when going through the
bough on a tree!

 Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

 There is no egg in eggplant  nor ham in hamburger;
 neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

 English muffins weren't invented in England.

 We take English for granted.  But if we explore its paradoxes, we find
that quicksand can work slowly, boxing Rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?

 Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

 If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
what do you call it?

 If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

 If vegetarians eats vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

 Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be
 committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

 In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

 Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

 Have noses that run and feet that smell?

 How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
 while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

 You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
 can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out
 and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

    If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?
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« Reply #438 on: October 23, 2003, 03:09:51 PM »

>THIS SORT OF HITS HOME
>
>Ya' hear me now?
>An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was
>getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her
>doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing
>checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing
>test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple
>informal test the husband could do to give the doctor
>some idea of the state of her problem.
>
>"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out
>about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
>conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
>not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
>get a response."
>
>That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
>dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to
>himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
>
>Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"
>No response.
>
>So the husband moved to the other end of the room,
>about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"
>Still no response.
>
>Next he moves into the dining room where he is about
>20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
>Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet
>away.
>"Honey, what's for supper?"
>
>Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.
>"Honey, what's for supper?"
>
>(I just love this!)
>
>
>
>
>"Dang  it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
>

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ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #439 on: October 23, 2003, 03:21:45 PM »

 Who reads US Newspapers
> > > > If you want to understand how the U.S. works, try this:
> > > >
> > > > 1. "The Wall Street Journal" is read by the people who run the
> country.
> > > >
> > > > 2. "The Washington Post" is read by people who think they run the
> > > > country.
> > > >
> > > > 3. "The New York Times" is read by people who think they should run
> the
> > > > country, and who are very good at crosswords.
> > > >
> > > > 4. "USA Today" is read by people who think they ought to run the
> country
> > > > but don't really understand "The Washington Post." They do, however,
> > > > like their statistics shown in pie charts.
> > > >
> > > > 5. "The Los Angeles Times" is read by people who wouldn't mind
running
> > > > the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have
to
> > > > leave LA to do it.
> > > >
> > > > 6. "The Boston Globe" is read by people whose parents used to run
the
> > > > country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
> > > >
> > > > 7. "The New York Daily News" is read by people who aren't too sure
> who's
> > > > running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a
> > > > seat on the train.
> > > >
> > > > 8. "The New York Post" is read by people who don't care who's
running
> > > > the country, as long as they do something really scandalous,
> preferably
> > > > while intoxicated.
> > > >
> > > > 9. "The San Francisco Chronicle" is read by people who aren't sure
> there
> > > > is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they
> > > > oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if
the
> > > > leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also
> > > > happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as
they
> > > > are Democrats.
> > > >
> > > > 10. "The Miami Herald" is read by people who are running another
> country
> > > > but need the baseball scores.
> > > >
> > > > 11. "The National Enquirer" is read by people trapped in line at the
> > > > grocery store.
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          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #440 on: October 23, 2003, 03:36:09 PM »

Blonde Suicide




A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of
her little finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to
commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You
tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest.
Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast
implants, I'm not going to shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just
paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee,
this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my
finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

ROFLOL

Now that was a GRRRRRRRRREAT one Grin
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« Reply #441 on: October 28, 2003, 04:30:19 PM »

PRISON VS WORK




Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.



IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.



IN PRISON...you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.



IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.



IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.



IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.



IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.



IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.



IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.



IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.



IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.



Now, get back to work!    
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« Reply #442 on: October 31, 2003, 08:26:27 PM »

The Difference Between Liberals, Conservatives and Texans

Question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Sig P220 and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Liberal Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation? Does the Sig have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with
just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

_________________________________________________________

Conservative Answer:


BANG!

_________________________________________________________


Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).

Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving, what do you kids think?"

Son: "Mom's right Dad, I saw it too..."

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
 Grin
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« Reply #443 on: November 01, 2003, 07:29:36 PM »

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

 Grin  - Good one, but Texans are too liberal.   Grin
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« Reply #444 on: November 05, 2003, 01:02:00 PM »

Two Iraqis meet in Florida. One starts to greet the other in Arabic, the language of their native country.


The other Iraqi waves him away contemptuously and says,
"We're in America now. Speak Spanish!




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« Reply #445 on: November 06, 2003, 05:44:01 AM »

Two Iraqis meet in Florida. One starts to greet the other in Arabic, the language of their native country.


The other Iraqi waves him away contemptuously and says,
"We're in America now. Speak Spanish!






Boy is that true LOL

Brother Love Smiley
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« Reply #446 on: November 06, 2003, 01:25:39 PM »

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.   One leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!" "You're on!" said the old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked,   streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall,followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1 st prize as Best Dried Arrangement
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« Reply #447 on: November 06, 2003, 05:43:55 PM »

Subject: Fw: Thanksgiving


 


 
One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the

>country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.

>They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be

>considered a very poor family. On their return from their trip, the father

>asked his son, "How was the trip?"

>"It was great, Dad."

>

>"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.

>

>"Oh yeah," said the son.

>

>"So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.

>

>The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a

>pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that

>has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the

>stars at night. Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the

>whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have

>fields that go beyond our sight. We have servants who serve us, but they

>serve others. We buy our food, but they grow theirs. We have walls around

>our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."

>

>The boy's father was speechless.

>

>Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

>

>Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen if

>we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what

>we don't have. Appreciate every single thing you have, every single day --

>one day at a time.
 
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« Reply #448 on: November 06, 2003, 05:46:47 PM »

Of all the friends I've ever met,
You're the one I won't forget.
And if I die
Before you do
I'll go to heaven
And wait for you
I'll give the angels
Back their wings
And risk the loss
Of everything
Just to prove
My friendship is true
I'm thankful to have
Family and Friends like you!


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          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #449 on: November 06, 2003, 05:53:54 PM »

Subject: Fashion Dos and Don't For Older Adults


Fashion Dos and Don't For Older Adults
Despite what you may have seen on the street lately, the following combinations DO NOT go together!
A nose ring and bifocals
Spiked hair and bald spots
A pierced tongue and dentures
Miniskirts and support hose
Ankle bracelets and corn pads
A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
Bikinis and liver spots
Short shorts and varicose veins
Inline skates and a walker  

Old age sure ain't for sissies!
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ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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