BULL

[Ambassador4Christ]

HERE'S A FUNNY ONE FOR EVERY COMPUTER OWNER!!!!!


I was having trouble with my computer.  So I called Rick the computer guy,
to come over.  Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.  He
gave me a bill for a minimum service call.  As he was walking away, I called
after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T
error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So I wrote it out ...... I D 1 0 T


                         

Sounds like me  

[Forrest]

> > > Grandma's on the net again,
> > > The kitchen's not her home.
> > > She used to make us cherry pies, and
> > > Call us on the phone.
> > >
> > >
> > > She would talk to us for hours;
> > > Now she leaves us all alone.
> > > We want to talk to Grandma, but
> > > Can't get her on the phone!
> > >
> > >
> > > We miss her homemade biscuits, and
> > > I'll make this little bet;
> > > If you want to contact Grandma,
> > > You'll have to surf the net.
> > >
> > >
> > > Grandma's surfing now you know,
> > > She's surfing on the net.
> > > We've been calling her all morning, and
> > > We haven't got her yet.
> > >
> > >
> > > She's on the e-mail network,
> > > With her 'lectronic friends.
> > > If you want to talk to Grandma,
> > > Make sure that you hit 'send'.
> > >
> > >
> > > She never surfed at Malibu,
> > > Or caught a wave at Waikiki.
> > > She's never seen a surfboard:
> > > To her, Hang Ten's a water ski.
> > >
> > >
> > > She's never met a beach-bum-
> > > Noon Doggie's just a pup.
> > > But when she heads for her computer,
> > > You know the surf is up!
> > >
> > >
> > > Grandma's getting older and
> > > Her eyes are growing dim.
> > > Her random access memory,
> > > Is half of what it's been.
> > >
> > >
> > > When Saint Peter comes to call someday,
> > > She'll say, "I can't go yet".
> > > He'll have to wait for Grandma,
> > > Cuz she's surfing on the net!
> > >
> > >
> > > Written by another ol' Grandma

[Brother Love]

 An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

It is with heavy heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great Icon of the Entertainment community.
 
  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.  Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth,  Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.  Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,  wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, and was considered  to be a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, Two children, John Dough and Jane Dough,  plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Fair and unbalanced?



 Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from
National Public Radio, and an Israeli soldier were
hiking through the African jungle one day when they were
captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the
village and brought before the chief.

  The chief said, "I am familiar with your western
custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before
we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

  Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like
one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief
nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can
die content."

  Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this
life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the
poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing
"We Shall Overcome" one last time."

  The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

  Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can
die in peace."

  Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I
want to take out my tape recorder and describe the
scene here and what's about to happen.  Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on
the job til the end."

  The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape
recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She
then said, "Now I can die happy."

    The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli
soldier, what is your final wish?"

  "Kick me in the butt." said the Israeli.

  "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your
last hour?"

  "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the
butt." insisted the Israeli.

   So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into
the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Israeli
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a
9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief
dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his
knapsack, pulled out his Uzi, and sprayed the
cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals
were dead or fleeing for their lives.

   As the Israeli was untying the others, they asked
him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you
ask them to kick you in the butt?"

   "What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you 'fair and balanced'
reporters call ME the aggressor again?!?"

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

Fair and unbalanced?



 Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from
National Public Radio, and an Israeli soldier were
hiking through the African jungle one day when they were
captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the
village and brought before the chief.

  The chief said, "I am familiar with your western
custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before
we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

  Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like
one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief
nodded to an underling, who left and returned with
the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can
die content."

  Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this
life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the
poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing
"We Shall Overcome" one last time."

  The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

  Jackson sang the song, and then said, "Now I can
die in peace."

  Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I
want to take out my tape recorder and describe the
scene here and what's about to happen.  Maybe
someday someone will hear it and know that I was on
the job til the end."

  The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape
recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She
then said, "Now I can die happy."

    The chief turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli
soldier, what is your final wish?"

  "Kick me in the butt." said the Israeli.

  "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your
last hour?"

  "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the
butt." insisted the Israeli.

   So the chief untied the soldier, shoved him into
the open, and kicked him in the butt. The Israeli
went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a
9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief
dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his
knapsack, pulled out his Uzi, and sprayed the
cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals
were dead or fleeing for their lives.

   As the Israeli was untying the others, they asked
him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you
ask them to kick you in the butt?"

   "What!?" said the Israeli, "And have you 'fair and balanced'
reporters call ME the aggressor again?!?"

Brother Love

Funny, but also true  

[Ambassador4Christ]

It is with heavy heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great Icon of the Entertainment community.
 
  The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.  Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth,  Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, The Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.  Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie,  wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, and was considered  to be a roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, Two children, John Dough and Jane Dough,  plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 

Brother Love

You Grt   LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

What is Wrong With Sam?






A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat."
 
The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became
impatient.
 
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the manager."
 
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in
search of his manager.   In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success.  Finally, they summoned the police.
 
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
 
"Sam," the man moaned.
 
"Where ya from, Sam?"
 
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

[Brother Love]

What is Wrong With Sam?






A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh
theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he
whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only
allowed one seat."
 
The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became
impatient.
 
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have
to call the manager."
 
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher
who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in
search of his manager.   In a few moments, both the
usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but
with no success.  Finally, they summoned the police.
 
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All
right buddy, what's your name?"
 
"Sam," the man moaned.
 
"Where ya from, Sam?"
 
With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

LOL "The balcony."

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?" The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry. She replied, "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels."


Brother Love

[Brother Love]

 At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how > Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his  mother
noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny,  what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm
going to have a wife."

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

The wealthy wife of a very successful businessman went to the portrait artist for her first sitting. The portrait, a gift for her husband. She explained to the artist what she wanted, "You should paint me like I am. These little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. The lines under my eyes, the flab on my arms, the turn in my nose, and the mole on my cheek, they all stay....BUT on my hands you put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and bright jewels. Around my neck you put chains of gold and diamonds. Do you understand?" The artist looked at her in earnest and asked why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with the phony jewelry. She replied, "When I die my husband will re-marry. The new wife, she should go crazy looking for the jewels."


Brother Love

LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was. He sat quietly, pondering this very profound question. Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed  and said, "I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware."

[Ambassador4Christ]

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police Cruiser pulled her over and walked up to the car. The police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license. The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"

Irritated, the blonde cop said "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"

The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said,"Aha! This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.

The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,"You're free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle."