BULL

[Ambassador4Christ]

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunkydunk."

 

[Brother Love]

A4C  

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?

Brother Love

[nChrist]

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wakeup like every two hours?

Brother Love

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

Brother, bring me my food, buy me toys, and take care of me, and I won't care.    By the way, I tasted some modern baby formula recently, and it is awful.  YUK!

In Christ,
Tom

[Tibby]

I have found biblical truth that men will get to heaven before women. 30 minutes before, to be exact. This is inarguable biblical proof:

Revelation 8:1 “When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.“

[Symphony]

Tibby, you are a sight!!!

[Brother Love]

I have found biblical truth that men will get to heaven before women. 30 minutes before, to be exact. This is inarguable biblical proof:

Revelation 8:1 “When he opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven for about half an hour.“

Oh man, B-A-D  

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Brother Love

[Forrest]

IDIOTS IN SERVICE:
This week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the Telephone
repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 AM and 7:00 PM. When
I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant
gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I
replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that since our
phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email. (Does your email work without a telephone line?).
 
IDIOTS AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk
noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She
informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they
matched.
 
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer
Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by
cars and she didn't want them to cross there anymore. I could swear I've
recently been with some of these people...
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceberg.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
She smiled knowingly and nodded!, "That's why we ask."
 
IDIOT SIGHTING #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the
buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light
is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing
driving?"
 
IDIOT SIGHTING #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the
company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "This is
fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING #4:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.
 
IDIOT SIGHTING #5:
When my wife and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our
car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied,
"I know - I already got that side."
Now don't you feel better?
----------------------------------------------

[Willowbirch]

PRISON VS WORK




Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.



IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8 X 10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6 X 8 cubicle.



IN PRISON...you get three free meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.



IN PRISON...you get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behaviour.



IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.



IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.



IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.



IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.



IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.



IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.



IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.



Now, get back to work!    

I think I'll go commit a crime...just a little one, of course...anybody got some whiskey and car keys?

[Ambassador4Christ]

Little Johnny was attending his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag...  "When his eyes fell upon Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks. "Little Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart." After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?" "Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie!"
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

The Bear


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
 
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
 
He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
 
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
 
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!...
" Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
 
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
 
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
 
Am I to count you as a believer?"
 
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
 
"Very well," said the voice.
 
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
 
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."  
 

[Brother Love]

The Bear


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.
What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
 
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
 
He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
 
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
 
At that instant the Atheist cried out: "Oh my God!...
" Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
 
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky:
 
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
 
Am I to count you as a believer?"
 
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
 
"Very well," said the voice.
 
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:
 
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord Amen."  
 

I L-O-V-E It

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Bad Food



A Doctor was addressing a large audience on Nutrition and said:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."
Red meat is awful.
Sugar rots our teeth and causes Diabetes.
Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining.
Spicy dishes give us heartburn.
Many vegetables give us terrible gas pains.
Undercooked eggs permit e-coli to thrive.
Milk is impossible for adults to digest.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  
High fat diets can be disastrous and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs and chemicals in our drinking water.  

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and answered, "Wedding Cake?"

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

Bad Food



A Doctor was addressing a large audience on Nutrition and said:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."
Red meat is awful.
Sugar rots our teeth and causes Diabetes.
Soft drinks corrode our stomach lining.
Spicy dishes give us heartburn.
Many vegetables give us terrible gas pains.
Undercooked eggs permit e-coli to thrive.
Milk is impossible for adults to digest.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG.  
High fat diets can be disastrous and few of us realize the long-term harm caused by the germs and chemicals in our drinking water.  

But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and answered, "Wedding Cake?"

Brother Love

Good one Bro