BULL

[Symphony]

"I'm free, I'm free!"  LOL.  Good one, tiger.  thanks!...


   

[Brother Love]

 A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground. "I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted. "So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."    



  A man went to the doctor to look at a dog bite. The doctor did some tests and came back a few minuets later and said "I'm sorry to inform you that you have rabies."
The man quickly pulled out a pen and pad of paper and started writing. Thinking he was making out his will, the doctor said "There is no reason to make out a will. Rabies is treatable these days. You're not going to die from it."
The man looked at him and said "Oh, I'm not making out a will. I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."  

 

Good stuff LOL

Brother Love

[nChrist]

   Good ones Tiger - Now, for my groaner:

Divert Your Course

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland inOctober,1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call

[Ambassador4Christ]

Good one BEP  

Greenhorns and Boats

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfleld, California, a woman, new to boating, was having a problem. No matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't get her brand new 22-ft. Bay liner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power she applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell her what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (REMEMBER, this is TRUE). Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

 

[Ambassador4Christ]

Riding on a Bus



A commuter was reading a newspaper article about life-expectancy statistics. Turning to the man beside her, she asked, "Do you know that every time I breathe, someone dies?"

"That's interesting," he answered. "Have you ever tried mouthwash?"

[IrishAngel]

LOL!

ambassador you truly need halp!  

[Ambassador4Christ]

LOL!

ambassador you truly need halp!  

Thats what my wife and three sons say

[IrishAngel]

oh...a wife...that changes everything...

you`ll be fine  

[Brother Love]

oh...a wife...that changes everything...

you`ll be fine  

LOL

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

oh...a wife...that changes everything...

you`ll be fine  

Sister like I tell my wife, Eve ate Adam out of house and home
 

[nChrist]

Time for one of my groaners:

The Lawn Mower:

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."    

[Brother Love]

Time for one of my groaners:

The Lawn Mower:

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher. "I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the rope a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that rope. It'll come back to ya."    

 

Brother Love

[Forrest]

THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT...
1. I see your point, but I still think you're full of sh...

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my
way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks

[Forrest]

Subject: Goldfish funeral - fwd from Kep.




Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor
peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was
doing.  He politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat."

[Forrest]

Subject: In a perfect world.....
>
> Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect
courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course,
perfect.
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> One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their
perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of
he road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There
stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any
children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his
toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
>
> Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple
and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
>
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> Question: Who was the survivor?
> (Scroll down for the answer. Trust me, it's worth it)
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> Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed
in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no
such thing as a perfect man.
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> **** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
> **** Men keep scrolling.
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> So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
> **** Men keep scrolling
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> If you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another
point: Women never listen.