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November 22, 2024, 12:43:55 PM

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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
287025 Posts in 27572 Topics by 3790 Members
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nChrist
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« Reply #345 on: August 30, 2003, 11:02:44 AM »

HA HA HA HA HA took me awhile to read all of this thread but man I really enjoyed some good clean funnies. thanx Brothers and Sisters for all the laughter my wife and I had while reading this. Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin

Oklahoma Howdy to Coyote,

Stay tuned here often and you'll see new ones all the time, including some groaners from me.   Cheesy I'm glad that you and your wife are enjoying Christians Unite.

In Christ,
Tom
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« Reply #346 on: August 30, 2003, 08:53:58 PM »

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film.
 Grin
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« Reply #347 on: August 30, 2003, 09:03:23 PM »

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.  Grin
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« Reply #348 on: September 01, 2003, 04:07:29 AM »

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population.  Grin



Huh

LOL

Brother Love Smiley
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« Reply #349 on: September 03, 2003, 04:26:37 AM »

A lady walks into the welfare office, trailed by 15 kids...

WOW," the social worker exclaims, "Are they ALL YOURS???"

"Yes, they're all mine," the tired momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all their names.

"This one is my oldest--he's Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one's Leroy, also."

The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, also named Leroy!

All right...I'm seeing a pattern here...Are they ALL named Leroy?" Well, yes--it's actually really convenient. When it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' and they all come running. And if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Leroy' and the kid, whoever he is, stops in his tracks. It's the smart est idea I ever had, naming them all Leroy."

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, "But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?"

Ah, that's easy," said the mother "Then I call them by their last names."  Smiley
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« Reply #350 on: September 03, 2003, 01:26:03 PM »

Brother LOL on your Leroy joke Grin
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« Reply #351 on: September 03, 2003, 03:43:34 PM »

 Grin  All good ones - Now for my groaners:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

5. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

8. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

9. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

11. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

12. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

13. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

14. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

15. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

16. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

17. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Heck!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Heck! Whack.

18. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


 
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« Reply #352 on: September 03, 2003, 05:58:40 PM »

Grin  All good ones - Now for my groaners:

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

5. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.

6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

8. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.

9. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

11. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

12. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

13. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

14. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

15. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

16. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

17. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Heck!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Heck! Whack.

18. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer


 

You get  Grin Grin Grin Grin

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« Reply #353 on: September 05, 2003, 09:03:58 AM »

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for a red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars !
"That's a lot of money, "says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph .
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!!!!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph.
Then, up ahead, he sees that it's the old man on the moped.
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again.
Astounded by the speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes
the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear.
The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive !!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers with his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror."
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« Reply #354 on: September 05, 2003, 10:29:10 AM »

     Subject: watch out ...it's a blonde joke
> >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > > A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
and
> > > asked her what their names were.
> > > The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
> named
> > > Timex.
> > > Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
> > > "HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
 Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #355 on: September 05, 2003, 10:39:17 AM »

How old is Grandma?
>
>
> Stay with this -- the answer is at the end -- it will blow you away.
>
>
> One evening, a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current
events.
> The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings
at
> schools, the computer age, and just things in general.
>
> The Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before
> television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
> Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams, or
> ball-point pens.
>
> Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes
> dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air. Man had
not
> yet walked on the moon.
> Your Grandfather and I got married first-and then lived together. Every
> family had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called every man
older
> than I, 'Sir'- and after I turned 25, I still called policemen "Sir." We
> were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers,
and
> group therapy.. The Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense
> governed our lives. We were taught to know the difference between right
and
> wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions. Serving
your
> country was a privilege living in this country was a bigger privilege.
We
> thought fast food was what people ate during Lent. Having a meaningful
> relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft dodgers were
> people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.
> Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and
> weekends-not purchasing condominiums. We never heard of FM radios, tape
> decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We
> listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on
our
> radios. In addition, I do not ever remember any kid blowing his brains
out
> listening to Tommy Dorsey. If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on
it,
> it was junk.
>
> The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza
> Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We had 5 & 10-cent
> stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents. Ice-cream
> cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.
And
> if you did not want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough
stamps
> to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.
> You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too
bad,
> because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke"
was
> a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music"
> was your grandmother's lullaby."Aids" were helpers in the Principal's
> office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware
> store, and software" was not even a word. And we were the last generation
to
> actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.
>
> No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation
> gap . And how old do you think I am Huh.
>
> Read on to see -- pretty scary if you think about it and pretty sad at
the
> same time.
>
> This Woman would be only 58 years old!
>
> "An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last."
-
> Prime Minister Winston Churchill
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« Reply #356 on: September 05, 2003, 10:47:43 AM »

Senior Exercise Program

The Doctor told me I should start anexercise program. Not wanting to harm this old body I've devised the following:

 

Monday

Beat around the bush

Jump to conclusions

Climb the walls

Wade through the morning paper

 

Tuesday

Drag my heels

Push my luck

Make mountains out of mole hills

Hit the nail on the head

 

Wednesday

Bend over backwards

Jump on the Band Wagon

Run around in circles

 

Thursday

Advise the President on how to run the country

Toot my own horn

Pull out all the stops

Add fuel to the fire

 

Friday

Open a can of worms

Put my foot in my mouth

Start the ball rolling

Go over the edge.

 

Saturday

Pick up the pieces.

Whew! What a workout
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« Reply #357 on: September 05, 2003, 04:14:59 PM »

    Subject: watch out ...it's a blonde joke
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelOOOooo," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
 Grin Grin Grin

Forresst you also get  Grin Grin Grin Grin LOL
« Last Edit: September 05, 2003, 06:52:41 PM by Ambassador4Christ » Logged



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« Reply #358 on: September 06, 2003, 04:35:18 PM »

 
Success and Computers
 
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
 
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
 
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
 
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
 
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times
more that day,he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
 
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night.
 
He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
 
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
 
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
 
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
 
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
 
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
 
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
 
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
 
Which brings us to the moral:
 
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
 
Sadly, I received it also.  Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #359 on: September 08, 2003, 04:32:12 AM »


Success and Computers
 
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
 
The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."
 
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
 
To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."
 
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25lb crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times
more that day,he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
 
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day.
By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night.
 
He multiplies his profits quickly. Early in the second week he
acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
 
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
 
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
He continues to work hard.
 
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed a million dollars.
 
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.
Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
 
When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,
 
"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"
 
"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.15 an hour."
 
Which brings us to the moral:
 
Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.
 
Sadly, I received it also.  Grin Grin Grin

Right On!

LOL

Brother Love Smiley
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