Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

Vampire Bat

A young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.

"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

[nChrist]

Smart Bully

As most young, weak and smart kids are, Ken was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.

He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.

The bully without asking snatched the jar from Ken's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?"

"Well, they're smart pills."

"Smart pills?" the bully asked, then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth.

"Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit droppings!!"

"See, you're getting smarter already."

[Shammu]

A Sensitive Man

                      
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The class was in full swing.
                  
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of pregnancy.
                  
She said, "Ladies remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!!" 
                  
She looked at the men in the room "and gentlemen, remember you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her." 
                  
The room suddenly got very quite as the men absorbed this information. 
                  
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
                  
"Yes", answered the teacher.
                  
"I was just wondering, is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??"

You know I had to do this...................

[nChrist]

    

[nChrist]

Things My Mother Taught Me...

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.

and my all time favorite thing - JUSTICE
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

[nChrist]

The Magician And The Parrot

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat"

"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.

After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

[nChrist]

Bungee Jumping

Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border. They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business. By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets.

Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.

John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up. Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed. John came down again and sprang back up. This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds. The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body.

Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on.

John replied, "I'm not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?"

[nChrist]

Healthy Life

In the smoking-car the conversation turned to the merits and demerits of various ways of preserving health.

One stout, florid man held forth with great eloquence on the subject. "Look at me!" he said. "Never a day's sickness in my life, and all due to simple food. Why, gentlemen," he continued, "from the age of twenty to that of forty I lived an absolutely simple regular life----no effeminate delicacies, no late hours, no extravagances. Every day, in fact, summer and winter, I was in bed regularly at nine o'clock and up again at five in the morning. I worked from eight to one, then had dinner--a plain dinner, mark my words: after that, an hour's exercise; then--"

"Excuse me, sir," interrupted the facetious stranger in the corner, "but what were you in jail for?"

[nChrist]

Things You Don't Want To Hear In Surgery...

1.) Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

2.) Somebody call the janitor - we're going to need a mop

3.) 'Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness'

4.) Sparky! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

5.) Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

6.) Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

7.) Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

8.) Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived a full hypo of this stuff before?

9.) Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

10.) Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off

11.) What's this doing here?

12.) I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

13.) That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

14.) I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.

15.) Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

16.) Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

17.) Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

18.) Next, we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

19.) Now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

20.) This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

21.) Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

22.) Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

23.) What do you mean 'You want a divorce'!

24.) She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

25.) FIRE! FIRE! Everybody get out!

26.) 'And next week, we'll be learning how to stitch up a patient...'

[nChrist]

Tips From Cowboys

~ Never squat with your spurs on!

~ Never kick a fresh cow chip on a hot day.

~ There's two theories to arguin' with a woman.... Neither one works.

~ Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger than you think.

~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

~ After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

~ If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

~ Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

~ It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

~ Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

~ Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

~ Always drink upstream from the herd.

~ Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

~ If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

~ When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

~ When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

~ Always take a good look at what you're about to eat.
It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

~ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

~ Never miss a good chance to shut up.

[nChrist]

Tourists' Questions

Here are some of the "All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists"


On nature...

How do the elk know they're supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs?

At what elevation does an elk become a moose?

Tourist: "How do you pronounce 'Elk' ?"
Park Information Staff: " 'Elk' "
Tourist: "Oh"


Are the bears with collars tame?

Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?

Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?

Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?

I saw an animal on the way to Banff today - could you tell me what it was?

Are there birds in Canada?


On geography...

Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)

Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?

Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?

Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?

If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?

Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?

How far is Banff from Canada?

What's the best way to see Canada in a day?


On tourist facilities...

Do they search you at the B.C. border?

When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?

Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don't they?

Are there phones in Banff?

So it's eight kilometres away... is that in miles? We're on the decibel system you know.

Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??

Is that 2 kilometres by foot or by car?

Don't you Canadians know anything?

[Shammu]

As a resident of a Tourist area................. I want to know when tourist season opens?? That way I can get first in line, for my hunting permit.

[nChrist]

As a resident of a Tourist area................. I want to know when tourist season opens?? That way I can get first in line, for my hunting permit.

   Don't wear your hat with the fake antlers on it.

[nChrist]

The Vet And The Doc

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

[nChrist]

Anthill Golf

Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.

Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golf-ball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! what are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: " I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."