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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
277860 Posts in 26488 Topics by 3790 Members
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Author Topic: Laughter - Good Medicine - New  (Read 17509 times)
nChrist
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« Reply #300 on: August 11, 2011, 03:08:20 AM »

Politically Correct Statements

Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

AND FOR STUDENTS...

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
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« Reply #301 on: August 15, 2011, 05:01:19 PM »

Car Wars

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small Mini Cooper also drives up. The haughty businessman in the back of the limousine started bragging to the Mini Cooper owner that his was the best car that money could buy.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the Mini Cooper owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed at this point, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed by, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the Mini Cooper again. It was pulled over to a side, with the glasses all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the Mini Cooper. After a few moments, the Mini Cooper owner poked his head out (which was dripping with water, by the way!).

"I installed a VCR in my limo", said the businessman proudly.

The Mini Cooper-man responded:

"You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
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« Reply #302 on: August 17, 2011, 05:28:54 PM »

Seen Signs

These signs might not communicate what was hoped for.

On a California freeway: Fine for Littering

On the wall of a British Columbia cleaning service: Able to Do the Worst Possible Job

In a New York jewelry store: Genuine Fauz Pearls

In a Kansas City oculist's office: Broken lenses duplicated here

In a Boston fast-food parking lot: Parking for Drive-Through Customers Only

Billboard on Florida highway: If You Can't Read, We Can Help

On the Triborough Bridge in New York: In Event of Air Attack Drive Off Bridge

On a Lockhart, Texas, gas station and minimart: We're out of Rolaids, but we've got gas.

At the basketball court in a Gastonton, North Carolina, YMCA: Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended

On a Rapid City store: Give That Bride a Good Case of Worms or Other Fine Bait

On the door of an Ellsworth, Maine, restaurant: The Indian Trading Post will be closed for Yom Kippur

In a Grand Rapids restaurant: Half baked chicken

In a Dayton barbershop: During vacation of owner, a competent hair stylist will be here

On a Jacksonville, Florida, bookstore: Rare, out-of-print, and nonexistent books

On a library in Marlboro, New Hampshire, honouring Robert Frost: Frost Free Library
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« Reply #303 on: August 19, 2011, 11:33:24 AM »

Takes One To Know One

Sitting at a table in the clubhouse after a game, Joe said to a fellow club member, "I'm not about to play golf with Jim Walsh anymore."

"Why not?"

"Well, he found his lost ball two feet from the green."

"That's possible."

"Not when I had the ball in my pocket!"
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« Reply #304 on: September 05, 2011, 10:33:20 PM »

Judge's Watch

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police.

"For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today, I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on the nightstand in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn't sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?" said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first one," said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."
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« Reply #305 on: September 07, 2011, 07:28:48 PM »

Sunday Lollipop

The boy came skipping into the house with a big lollipop in his hands. "Where did you get it?" his mother asked.

"I bought it with the nickel you gave me."

"The nickel I gave you was for Sunday School."

"I know Mom," said the boy, "but the minister met me at the door and got me in free."
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« Reply #306 on: September 14, 2011, 04:14:07 PM »

Time Travel

Unaware that Indianapolis is on Eastern Standard Time and Chicago on Central Standard Time, Bob inquired at the Indianapolis airport about a plane to Chicago.

"The next flight leaves at 1:00 p.m.," a ticket agent said, "and arrives in Chicago at 1:01 p.m."

"Would you repeat that, please?" Bob asked.

The agent did so and then inquired, "Do you want a reservation?"

"No," said Bob, "But I think I'll hang around and watch that thing take off."
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« Reply #307 on: November 08, 2011, 12:31:37 AM »

New Convert Help

He was not well-educated and rather rough and crude around the edges, but he was recently converted and now on fire for the Lord.

He was constantly pestering the pastor to give him some work that would be helpful to the church.  Finally the pastor agreed.  He gave the man a list of ten people who hadn't been in church for years nor made any financial contribution.  Some of these were quite prominent in the community.

The pastor said, "What I want you to do is get these people back to church, however you can.  You can use church stationery if you want, but get these people back to church."

Three weeks later the pastor got an envelope in the mail from a prominent doctor whose name had been on the list, along with a check for $1,000 and a note that read, "Dear Pastor, Please excuse my inactivity at church.  I really have no excuse.  Accept this check as a partial contribution for all the Sundays I've missed, and be assured I will never, by choice, miss worship again.

Sincerely, J.  B.  Jones, M.D.

P.S.  - Will you kindly tell your secretary that there is only one "t" in dirty and no "c" in skunk?"
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« Reply #308 on: November 10, 2011, 09:08:24 AM »

Cure For Lateness

Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.  He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning.  After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "The pill my doctor subscribed me actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
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« Reply #309 on: November 11, 2011, 03:13:29 PM »

Rest In Peace

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.  They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
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« Reply #310 on: November 14, 2011, 04:55:37 PM »

No More Gators

While sports fishing off Melbourne Beach, a tourist capsized his boat.  He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"

"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.

About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin'," the beach bum said.

"The sharks got 'em."
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« Reply #311 on: November 22, 2011, 01:50:43 PM »

Young Businessman

A young businessman had just started his own firm.  He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office.  Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.  Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."
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« Reply #312 on: November 23, 2011, 09:22:02 PM »

Blessed Be The Tie

A guy walking in the desert desperately needed a drink.  As he followed the dunes, he came upon another man riding a camel.  He asked the man if he had something to drink.

The man on the camel said "No, but if you like, I have a nice selection of ties.  Would you like to buy one?"

"No!" The first man replied.  "Are you crazy?  I need something to drink, not a tie!"

So the man on the camel rode on, and the walking man continued his slow and very thirsty trek for several days.  Finally he came upon a cantina.

He gratefully approached the doorman at the cantina and said, "I'm so glad I made it!  Can I get in and get some water?"

The doorman frowned at him.  "Not without a tie."
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« Reply #313 on: December 02, 2011, 01:19:09 PM »

Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.  Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
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« Reply #314 on: December 02, 2011, 01:20:15 PM »

Interview Excerpts

The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1.  "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2.  "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3.  "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself.  Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4.  "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5.  "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

6.  "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7.  "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8.  "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9.  "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10.  "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me.  Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11.  "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12.  "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase.  He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

13.  "A telephone call came in for the job applicant.  It was from his wife.  His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company?  When do I start?  What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."
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