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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
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Author Topic: Laughter - Good Medicine - New  (Read 17561 times)
nChrist
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« Reply #285 on: June 29, 2011, 02:58:17 PM »

Buy A Verdict

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time persuading the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
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« Reply #286 on: June 29, 2011, 03:03:18 PM »

Old Dogs

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!

BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
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« Reply #287 on: July 04, 2011, 02:36:53 PM »

The Half Cake Diet

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight.

She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled. "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"
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« Reply #288 on: July 05, 2011, 12:20:49 PM »

Parenting Tip

Mary Siegel was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts!! Such pests. They give me no rest and I'm half way to the funny farm."

"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.

So Mary bought a playpen A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said.

"I get in that pen with a good book, a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"
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« Reply #289 on: July 06, 2011, 04:35:18 PM »

Tips On Love

*Tips On Love From Those That Should Know*
(all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10)

*What is the proper at to get married?*


"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife."

(Tom,5)

*What do most people do on a first date?*

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."

(Mike, 10)

*When is it OK to kiss someone?*

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."

(Jim, 10)

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."

(Kally,9)

*The great debate: Is it better to be single or married?*

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them."

(Lynette,9)

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."

(Kenny,7)

*Concerning why love happens between two particular people.*

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

(Jan,9)

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

(Harlen, 8 )

*On what falling in love is like.*

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."

(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

(Leo,7)

*On the role of good looks in love.*

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."

(Jeanne, 8 )

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."

(Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

(Christine,9)

*Concerning why lovers often hold hands*

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."

(Dave, 8 )

*Confidential Opinions About Love*

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons is on television."

(Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

(Bobby, 8 )

"I'm not rushing into being in love-I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."

(Regina,10)
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« Reply #290 on: July 08, 2011, 06:21:11 PM »

The Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale.

Rumors of the sale and an advertisement in the local paper were the main reasons for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit, then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line:

"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"
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« Reply #291 on: July 12, 2011, 07:06:12 PM »

Too Late To Date

An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
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« Reply #292 on: July 14, 2011, 05:33:06 PM »

Three Legged Chicken

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So he sped up and the chicken did too! They were now moving along the road at 45 mph! The man in the car sped up again, to his surprise the chicken was still running ahead of him at 60 mph!!!

Suddenly the chicken turned off the road and ran down a long driveway leading to a farmhouse. The man followed the chicken to the house and saw a man in the yard and dozens of three legged chickens. The man in the car called out to the farmer "How did you get all these three legged chickens?"

The farmer replied, "I breed 'em. Ya see it's me, my wife and my son living here and we all like to eat the chicken leg. Since a chicken only has two legs, I started breeding this three legged variety so we could all eat our favorite piece."

"That's amazing!" said the driver "How do they taste?"

"Don't rightly know, can't catch 'em."
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« Reply #293 on: July 19, 2011, 12:31:17 PM »

In My Day

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
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« Reply #294 on: July 25, 2011, 02:53:53 PM »

How Government Works

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.
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« Reply #295 on: July 27, 2011, 12:48:12 PM »

Dad And Baby

One day shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to do some errands. So the proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son.

Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry. The father did everything he could think of to do but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs a change."

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"
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« Reply #296 on: July 28, 2011, 09:42:09 AM »

Dog Applicant

A sign was hung in an office window. It read:

Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.

A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth, and walked into the manager's office, making it clear he wished to apply for the job.

The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog for this job."

The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity employer."

So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it." The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it."

Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."

The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
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« Reply #297 on: July 29, 2011, 10:27:26 AM »

Signs Found In The Kitchen

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.
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« Reply #298 on: August 04, 2011, 03:41:43 PM »

Parenthood

If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.

The smartest advice on raising children is to enjoy them while they are still on your side.

Avenge yourself ~~~ live long enough to be a problem to your children.

The best way to keep kids at home is to give it a loving atmosphere ~~ and hide the keys to the car.

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

The joy of motherhood: What a woman experiences when all the children are finally in bed.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need babysitters and too young to borrow the family car.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string ~ handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of grandchildren.

There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.

Adolescence is the age when children try to bring up their parents.

Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.

Oh, to be only half as wonderful as my child thought I was when he was small, and half as stupid as my teenager now thinks I am.

There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother's age.

Adolescence is the age at which children stop asking questions because they know all the answers.

An alarm clock is a device for awakening people who don't have small children.
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« Reply #299 on: August 05, 2011, 04:18:55 PM »

Brightness In Action

*I worked with an individual who plugged his power strip back into itself and for the life of him could not understand why his computer would not turn on.

*My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

*I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair, the whole thing looking like an extra from "Twister". I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich.

*I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person, who answered said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?"

*The Baltimore Police Department, famous for its superior K-9 unit, was somewhat taken aback by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a woman had been shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 officer patrolling nearby was first on the scene. As he approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home from work to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send a blind policeman!"
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