Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

Things Not To Say To On Date


* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* I refuse to get cable.  That's how they keep tabs on you.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

[nChrist]

Country Puddle

A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road.  Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence.  "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in.  In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

[nChrist]

Weather Forecaster

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT

[nChrist]

Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied.  "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc.  It was great."

"That's great!  And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank.  He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.  Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Fred turned to his wife.

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

[nChrist]

Cat T-Shirts

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say.

"Purrfection cannot be improved"

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice.  I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out.  Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel.  They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners.  Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods.  They have never forgotten this."

[nChrist]

Walking Out

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer.

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."

[nChrist]

Lawyer Laughs

The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:

1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

3. Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: Did he kill you?

4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

6. Were you alone or by yourself?

7. How long have you been a French Canadian?

8. Do you have children or anything of that kind?

9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
A: Yes
Q: What were you doing at the time?

13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

14. So you were gone until you returned?

15. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

[nChrist]

Tea For Two

Little Johnny was left to fix lunch.

When his mother returned with a friend, she noticed that Johnny had already strained the tea.

The two women then sipped their tea happily while having lunch.

"Was it hard finding the tea strainer in the kitchen?" Johnny's mother asked.

"I couldn't find it Ma, so I used the fly swatter," he replied.

His mother nearly fainted, so Johnny hastily added:

"Don't get excited, Ma, I used the old one!"

[nChrist]

Owl Friend

Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl - and one night, an owl finally called back to him.

For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth.  He even kept a log of the "conversation."

Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights ...  calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied.  "So does my husband."

[nChrist]

Rejected Invitation

Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.  Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.  What does she mean by that?  I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience.  You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband.  "But I couldn't spell convenience, so I made it risk."

[nChrist]

Sick Day

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

"Did you read the paper?" he asked.

"I'm not going in to work tomorrow.  I'm calling in fat."

[Shammu]

Great Reasons To Be A Guy...

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean if the meter reader is coming.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

Your pals will never trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You know which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

My wife didn't see me post this!!

[Shammu]

Jimmy and Matty, ages 8 and 4, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew if any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent Matty in the morning, and planned to send Jimmy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”

The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”

Again, Matty made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!”

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”

Matty, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time! GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!” 

[Shammu]

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished??”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
 
“First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”

He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then…”he said with a deep sigh …………

“Let’s put all these Corn Flakes back in the box honey.”

**************************

An old farmer wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. “What have you got for collateral??” asked the banker, going strictly by the book.

“Don’t know what collateral means.”

“Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles??”

“Yes, I have a 1979 pickup.”

The banker shook his head, “How about livestock??”
 
“Yes, I have a horse.”

“How old is it??”

“I don’t know; it has no teeth.”

Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s the money to pay loan,” he said, handing the entire amount including interest.

“What are you going to do with the rest of that money??”

“Put it in my pocket.”

“Why don’t you deposit it in my bank??” he asked.

“I don’t know what deposit means.”

“Well, you put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it.”

The man leaned across the desk, looking suspiciously at the banker, and asked, “What you got for collateral??”

[Shammu]

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, “Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

*************************
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white??”

*************************
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She walked around to look at the artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, “I’m drawing a picture of God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

*************************
So true when you have brothers and sisters

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters??”

Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”