Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

Lost Snack

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were glad to finally land.

They disembarked, and the other attendants and I checked for items left behind.

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom."

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes it would be reunited with its owner.

In few minutes, this announcement came over the public-address system in the concourse:

"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

[nChrist]

Playing House

A boy of three and a girl of four, were playing house one day.

They played that they were man & wife and they were going away.

As they knocked upon a neighbor's door, the little girl bowed low saying, "This is my husband and I'm his wife. We're visiting you you know."

"Come in, come in," the lady at the door said, "and take yourself a seat . I'll bring you both some lemonade and something good to eat."

She gave them each a tall glass and a cookie on a plate. Later, she offered them a second cup of frosty lemonade.

"Oh no, thank you", the wee lass said, as she took the small boy's hand,

"We really have to go now. My husband wet his pants"

[nChrist]

Dish Shopping

When visiting her family in Los Angeles, a woman decided to explore a trendy shopping area.

After window-shopping, she entered a store with unique table displays. Each table was laid out with distinctive linen, fine china, silver and crystal. The woman was the only customer.

The young cashier initially asked if she could help, but the woman declined and said she was only browsing.

The woman was a bit put off by the glances the cashier kept giving her, but nonetheless, she spent almost an hour examining the different makes of china and silver.

It was only after thanking the shopkeeper and leaving that this woman discovered she had been inspecting the tableware at a chic restaurant.

[nChrist]

How To Interpret Employment Ads

"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

[nChrist]

Read Carefully

My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice.

He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."

[nChrist]

Jonah Test

A little girl was observed by her pastor standing outside the pre-school Sunday School classroom between Sunday School and worship, waiting for her parents to come and pick her up for "big church." The pastor noticed that she clutched a big storybook under her arms with the obvious title, "Jonah and the Whale."

Feeling a little pernicious, he knelt down beside the little girl and began a conversation. "What's that you have in your hand?", he asked.

"This is my storybook about Jonah and the Whale," she answered.

"Tell me something, little girl," he continued, "do you believe that story about Jonah and that whale to be the truth?"

The little girl implored, "Why of course I believe this story to be the truth!"

He inquired further, "You really believe that a man can be swallowed up by a big whale, stay inside him all that time, and come out of there still alive and OK? You really believe all that can be true?"

She declared, "Absolutely, this story is in the Bible and we studied about it in Sunday School today!"

Then the pastor asked, "Well, little girl, can you prove to me that this story is the truth?"

She thought for a moment and then said, "Well, when I get to Heaven, I'll ask Jonah."

The pastor then asked, "Well, what if Jonah's not in Heaven?"

She then put her hands on her little hips and sternly declared, "Then YOU can ask him!"

[nChrist]

Ungrateful Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

"I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

[nChrist]

Queen Size

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

[nChrist]

Mom's Time Out

My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.

"Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.

His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

[HisDaughter]

Queen Size

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!"

[HisDaughter]

 The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
 huge crowd.

 The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one
 little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
 joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
 hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

 Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your
 hand....Show me!"

 So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

 AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

 Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[nChrist]

The Pope and Obama are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a
 huge crowd.

 The Pope leans towards Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one
 little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with
 joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their
 hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

 Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your
 hand....Show me!"

 So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

 AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!

 Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

   Thanks! - I needed this laugh!

[HisDaughter]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But, NOT WANTING TO discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!", the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand.
"You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the
Church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman.. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?. Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister! agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied,
"W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ------o-o-o-or-------- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"


 

[nChrist]

   I'll buy a Bible.

[HisDaughter]

George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and George Bush are in a plane.

The pilot says that the passengers must lighten their load. so the three presidents decide to drop one item

George Washington drops a quarter

Abe Lincoln drops a penny

George Bush drops a grenade

When the presidents land, they find someone holding their head and cursing.

George Washington asks the man what's wrong.

"i was walking down the street when a quarter falls from the sky and hits my head!"

So the presidents continue down the road and find someone hopping on one foot, holding the other, cursing. Abe Lincoln asks "What happened?"

"i was standing on my porch barefoot when a penny falls from the sky and hits it!"

The presidents continue once more and find a young boy laughing hysterically.

George Bush asks "What's so funny?"

The boy replies "i farted and my house exploded!!!"