Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[HisDaughter]

For all of us who are---seniors---
for all of you who know seniors---
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

'Where Is My Paper?'

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

'Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday.The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday.'

There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

'So that's why no one was in church today.'
 

[nChrist]

 
___

Inspiring Music

A minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played, "The Star Spangled Banner."

[nChrist]

Cruising

These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."

6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"

[HisDaughter]

Cruising

These are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.

1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.

2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.

3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"

4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The steward was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."

5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."

6. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"

Oh my gosh!  These are hilarious!  As a matter of fact, I have always wanted to go on a cruise and just last night my grandson and I were looking online at cruise options because I want to save and take him on one in the fall of 2012!  We'll see if we can get through it without asking any of these questions!  I'm sure that I can come up with some dumb ones all on my own!

[HisDaughter]

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

 

[nChrist]

    Thanks, I needed that laugh!

[HisDaughter]

You might be in a Redneck Church if:

1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.

3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.

7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".

9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)
 

[airIam2worship]

TWO VERY YOUNG BOYS WERE ASKED IF THEY KNEW WHAT GOD'S NAME IS. BOTH OF THEM PROUDLY ANNOUNCED THEY DID! SOON THEY GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT, ONE OF THE BOYS SAID GOD'S NAME IS HAROLD, THE OTHER ONE INSISTED HIS NAME IS ANDY.

THE ONE THAT SAID GOD'S NAME IS HAROLD BACKED IT UP SAYING " I KNOW HIS NAME IS HAROLD, BECAUSE AT NIGHT I ALWAYS PRAY TO HIM, I SAY TO HIM 'OUR FATHER, WHO ART IN HEAVEN, HAROLD BE THY NAME'. "

THE SECOND BOY SAID "NO, NO HIS NAME IS ANDY, I KNOW BECAUSE I TALK TO HIM. MY MOM EVEN HAS A SONG THAT TELLS ME HIS NAME IS ANDY, THE SONG SAYS 'ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' " THE SONG HE IS REFERRING TO IS, IN THE GARDEN.

[nChrist]

   Thanks! - I needed these laughs. 

[airIam2worship]

LAUGHTER IS GOOD MEDICINE!! GOD HAS A WONDERFUL SENSE OF HUMOR, HE REMINDS ME EVERY MORNING WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR, AFTER I CAN FOCUS IN AT WHAT IS IN THE MIRROR I GET A BIIIIIGGG SMILE ON MY FACE.

I CAN SEE, AND I KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHAT I LOOK LIKE GOD LOVES ME!!!!!!!!

[HisDaughter]

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!)
 

[nChrist]

  - Thanks - I needed that laugh!
_____________________________

Miscellaneous Ponderings

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

[airIam2worship]

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!

Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
(True story!)
 

THIS IS SO FUNNY!! NOW THAT IS WHAT I CALL A REAL SENIOR MOMENT!!!

I NEEDED A GREAT LAUGH.   

[airIam2worship]

- Thanks - I needed that laugh!
_____________________________

Miscellaneous Ponderings

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what goober came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me...they were cramming for their finals.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

YOU GUYS ARE VERY FUNNY TODAY. THANK YOU FOR SHARING

[HisDaughter]

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
"Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."