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Bronzesnake
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« Reply #690 on: April 22, 2005, 02:38:05 PM » |
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OK, all blond ladies please do not read any further!  A brunette, a red head, and a blond are all slated to be executed. Each has chosen to be shot to death. As the brunette steps up to the pole, she is asked if she has any final words. She places an index finger on her lower lip for a moment, suddenly her eyes light up, then she quickly lowers her hand and yells "TORNADO!" everyone takes cover, and she runs away to freedom. As the red head steps up to the pole, she is asked if she has any final words. She places an index finger on her lower lip for a moment, suddenly her eyes light up, then she quickly lowers her hand and yells "EARTHQUAKE!" again, everyone takes cover, and she runs away to freedom. As the blonde steps up to the pole, she is asked if she has any final statements. She places an index finger on her lower lip for a moment, suddenly her eyes light up, then she quickly lowers her hand and yells "FIRE!" Bronzesnake |
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2nd Timothy
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« Reply #692 on: April 24, 2005, 09:30:35 AM » |
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The CIA are interviewing people to be secret assassins. A married couple come in and are placed in separate rooms. The agent hands a pistol to the man and says that he is to go into the next room and shoot his wife. He goes in, and after several minutes returns to the agent and says, "I can't do it". The agent then goes to the woman, gives her the pistol and tells her to go into the next room and shoot her husband. She goes into the room, and the agent hears...bang, bang, bang......bang bang.....shuffle...scuffle...thump. She comes out and says, "some idiot put blanks in the gun, I had to beat him to death with the pistol".  hint: she wasn't suppose to really kill him, just see if she was capable of it. |
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Tim
Enslaved in service to Christ
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Bronzesnake
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« Reply #693 on: April 24, 2005, 12:46:02 PM » |
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A sewer worker questions his boss as to why he can't work on the telephone poles instead of the stinky sewers. His boss tells him it's because he's too stupid to work on the poles. The worker gets indignant and demands proof. His boss holds an open hand up directly in front of a telephone pole and tells the worker to punch his hand. As the worker throws his best punch, his boss quickly moves his hand, and the worker breaks his knuckles on the telephone pole. "See", said his boss, you're too stupid. The worker decends back down into the smelly sewer, and a co-worker asks him what the boss said. He explained to his friend that they were too stupid to work on the poles. His friend says - "ya, well you might be too stupid, but I'm not!" The worker chuckles, then holds an open hand in front of his own face, and says "punch my hand genius" Bronzesnake |
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nChrist
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« Reply #694 on: April 25, 2005, 10:59:45 PM » |
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Good ones. Now for my groaner: ______________ Getting Older:Getting older is like visiting an all-you-can-eat buffet. What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu.
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #695 on: April 28, 2005, 11:39:50 AM » |
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Daily Prayer:
Dear Lord-
I’m proud to say, so far today
I’ve got along all right;
I have not gossiped, whined or bragged,
Or had a single fight.
I haven’t lost my temper once,
Or criticized my mate,
I have not lied, I have not cried,
Or loudly cursed my fate.
So far today I’ve not one time
Been grumpy or morose,
I’ve not been spiteful, cold or vain,
Self-centered or verbose.
But, Lord, I’m going to need Your help
Throughout the hours ahead,
So give me strength, Dear Lord, for now
I’m getting out of bed.
John T. Baker
From Chicken Soup for the Golden Soul
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been. JPD |
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #696 on: April 29, 2005, 10:23:02 AM » |
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On a tour of Pembrokeshire, the (late) Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
A helpless man, wearing a English rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh rugby shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the limp semiconscious Englishman from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the Welsh and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was That?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been. JPD |
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2nd Timothy
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« Reply #698 on: April 30, 2005, 07:02:48 PM » |
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On a tour of Pembrokeshire, the (late) Pope took a few days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.
A helpless man, wearing a English rugby shirt, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark.
As the pope watched in horror, a speedboat pulled up with three men wearing Welsh rugby shirts. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side while the other two reached out and pulled the limp semiconscious Englishman from the water. Then using the long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the Welsh and the English, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the pope drove off, the harpooner asked his pals, "Who was That?" "It was the Pope" one replied. "He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well" the harpooner said, "he may have access to God and his wisdom but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"
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Tim
Enslaved in service to Christ
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #699 on: May 04, 2005, 10:59:50 AM » |
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been. JPD |
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2nd Timothy
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« Reply #700 on: May 04, 2005, 01:37:23 PM » |
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 ::groan:: |
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Tim
Enslaved in service to Christ
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Tibby
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« Reply #701 on: May 04, 2005, 01:50:04 PM » |
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No! Bad! I think a joke like that is gounds for banning! |
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Was there ever a time when Common sence was common?
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Shammu
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« Reply #702 on: May 04, 2005, 01:54:16 PM » |
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"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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2nd Timothy
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« Reply #704 on: May 05, 2005, 08:48:50 AM » |
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RELIGIOUS DOG A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor, and showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through and finding the correct passage, pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog immediately jumped on a chair, placed one paw on the pastor's forehead and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, . . . . . . . "Good Grief! He's Pentecostal!" 
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Tim
Enslaved in service to Christ
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