Laughter - Good Medicine

[Brother Love]

Which Way to Heaven?

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."

 
LOVE IT - Thanks DreamWeaver




<))><

[Reba]

 MEGA DITTOS!

[Shammu]

This was an e-mail I got today, I want to share.

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry" The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very

same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

[sincereheart]

This was an e-mail I got today, I want to share.

One sunny day in 2005, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine replied, "Sir, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry" The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Kerry is not President and doesn't reside here." The man thanked him and again walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very

same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Kerry." The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Kerry. I've told you already that Mr. Kerry is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

ROFL! Oh, that's priceless! ROFL!

[TigerLily]

Got these in my email and thought they were cute, im not sure if they been posted before and didnt take the tiem to go thru um 42 things of jokes lol to see so if they are , just ignore me  
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with
bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.  Lots of children were
waiting in  line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was
decorating them   with tiger paws.  "You've got so many freckles,
there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little
fella.  Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.  His grandmother
knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl
I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the
child's cheek.  "Freckles are beautiful!"
 The boy looked up, "Really?"  "Of course," said the grandmother."Why,
just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles." ...............
The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's
face, and softly whispered, ............"Wrinkles."


After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old
slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard
the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew
thin.  At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed
 into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she
left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
voice, "Who was THAT?"

 A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.  They were
ready to discuss the last one.  The teacher asked if anyone could tell
him what it was.  Susie raised her! hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou
shall not take the covers off thy neighbour's wife,"



 Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the
movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  The
scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
  "What caused the submarine to sink?"  With a look of incredulity Mark
replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat
of
the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the
dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No,"  said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought
the argument  to a close...."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to
find the fire hydrant."

[TigerLily]

Got in my mail.. Just some crazy thoughts LOl.. thought some were kinda humurous!
TL


Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative  on the same night.

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why
the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve,
its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

You should not confuse your career with your life.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Never lick a steak knife.

The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling  reason why we observe daylight savings time.

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday.
       
The one thing that unites all human beings,regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status  or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

 A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a
nice person.(This is very important. Pay   attention. It never
fails.)

Your friends love you anyway.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that alone amateur built the Ark.  A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[Brother Love]

My FAVORITE


Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.  The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark,
  "What caused the submarine to sink?"  With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!!"


LOL tigerlily

[TigerLily]

   

[Brother Love]

 

Stop Telling God How Big Your Storm Is.
Instead,Tell The Storm How BIG Your GOD Is!"


DITTO

[Shammu]

 THERE was a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in language. She and he husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just could not bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the term "bathroom commode". But after writing that down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the "bathroom commode" merely as the "BC". "Does the campground have its own BC?" is what she actually wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure what the woman was talking about. That "BC" business really stumped him. He showed the letter to several couples, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the nearest Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

DEAR MADAM,

I regret the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a BC is located 9 miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. It is located in a beautiful pine grove and is open only on Sundays and Wednesdays. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that many people take their lunch along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

My daughter met her husband in the BC. Sometimes it is so crowded there are five to a seat. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the BC. It pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely not due to a lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go and sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

We will be sure to get a seat up front where you can be seen by everyone.. Remember, we are a friendly community.

Sincerely, the Campground Owner.

[Shammu]

How to Annoy Other People

Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper.
In the memo field of all your checks write "for massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc." them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when you back up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
Don't use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:
"Do you hear that?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about " psychological profiles."
Tell your friends 5 days prior, that you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
And the Final Way to Annoy People...
Send this email to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this!

[Shammu]

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind

Him!"

[Shammu]

The World's Easiest Quiz?

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get catgut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI's first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
















And now the answers...

1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

[Shammu]

The Note


Fred was in the hospital, near death, so the family sent for his pastor. As the pastor stood beside the bed, Fred's frail condition grew worse, and he began to flail about as he tried to speak. Being unable to do so, he then motioned frantically for something to write on.

The priest, keeping watch at the side of his bed leaned quietly over and asked, "Do you have something you would like to say?"

Fred nodded to the affirmative, and the priest handed him a pad and pen. "I know you can't speak, but use this to write a note, and I will give it to your wife. She's waiting just outside."

Gathering his last ounce of strength, Fred took them and scrawled his message upon the pad which he stuffed into the priest's hands. Then, moments later, he died.

The pastor thought it best not to look at the note just then, so he slipped it into his jacket pocket. After administering the last rites, the priest left to break the sad news to the wife.

Several days later, at the funeral, the pastor delivered the eulogy. He realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he'd worn the day Fred died. "You know," he said, "Old Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't read it yet, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all." He unfolded the note and proceeded to aloud,

"GET OFF MY #@!!&*$%@! OXYGEN TUBE!!"

[Shammu]

Quick Intelligence Test

   1. If you went to bed at 8 o'clock at night and wound up your clock alarm to get you up at 9 o'clock the next morning, how many hours sleep would you get?
   2. Do they have a 4th of July in England?
   3. How many birth days does the average man have?
   4. Why can't a man living in Winston-Salem, NC, be buried west of the Mississippi River?
   5. If you had only one match and entered a room in which there was a kerosene lamp, an oil heater, and a woodburning stove, which would you light first?
   6. Some months have 30 days, some have 31; how many months have 28 days?
   7. If a doctor gave you 3 pills and told you to take one every half hour, how long would they last you?
   8. A man builds a house and all four sides have a southern exposure. A bear wanders by - what color is the bear?
   9. How far can a dog run into the woods?
  10. What four words appear on every denomination of U.S. coins?
  11. In baseball, how many outs in an inning?
  12. I have in my hand only 2 U.S. coins which total 55 cents in value. One is not a nickel. What are the coins?
  13. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many did he have left?
  14. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add ten. What is the answer?
  15. Two men were playing checkers. Each played five games and each man won the same number of games. No draws. How can this be?
  16. Take two apples from three apples and what do you have?
  17. An archaeologist claimed he found some coins of gold dated to 46 B.C. Do you think he did?
  18. How many animals of each species did Moses take aboard the Ark with him?
  19. Is it legal in California for a man to marry his widow's sister?








The answers to the above are below:

   1. 1 hour of sleep. Wind up clocks don't have am/pm settings.
   2. Yes, and a 5th, a 6th, ...
   3. 1
   4. He could be buried alive but that would be awful.
   5. Light the match first.
   6. All 12 have 28 days
   7. 1 hour
   8. White. The North Pole is the only place where all four sides face south.
   9. halfway, then he would be running out of the woods.
  10. In God We Trust
  11. 6 outs per inning
  12. A half-dollar and a nickel. (Only one was not a nickel)
  13. 9 sheep
  14. 70
  15. They weren't playing against each other
  16. 2 apples
  17. How can coins be dated B.C. if the designation didn't exist until A.D.
  18. I thought Noah brought 2 of each animal, not Moses
  19. No. Can't marry someone if you're dead.