Favorite Jokes :)

[Coyote]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee."

I told that one to the wife.. I got slapped on the back of the head.... note to self no blonde jokes while watching TV with back of head exposed.

[Ambassador4Christ]

IT MIGHT WORK



An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but  I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago  for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half! drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman:  Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.


The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a >license, that you stole this  car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[JudgeNot]

A4C - Stop - quit doing that to me - you KNOW i'm a heart patient!

[Ambassador4Christ]

A4C - Stop - quit doing that to me - you KNOW i'm a heart patient!

You made my day JudgeNOT LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "It's three o'clock in the morning."
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No. I did not. It's three o'clock in the morning and it's pouring rain outside!!"

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him- and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

 

[Ambassador4Christ]

Terminology

   ADULT:
   A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

  BEAUTY PARLOR:
  A place where women curl up and dye.

  CANNIBAL:
  Someone who is fed up with people.

   CHICKENS:
  The only animals you eat before they are born and after   they are dead.

   COMMITTEE:
   A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

   DUST:
   Mud with the juice squeezed out.

   EGOTIST:
   Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

   HANDKERCHIEF:
   Cold Storage.

   INFLATION:
   Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

   MOSQUITO:
   An insect that makes you like flies better.

   RAISIN:
   Grape with a sunburn.

   SECRET:
   Something you tell to one person at a time.

   SKELETON:
   A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
   TOOTHACHE:
   The pain that drives you to extraction.

   TOMORROW:
   One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

  YAWN:
  An honest opinion openly expressed.

   WRINKLES:
   Something other people have.  You have character lines.
   "Live right - Laugh often - Love much"

 

[nChrist]

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

      Ooooooooooo! - LOL - That would be an extremely bad day for a police officer.

Tom

[Shylynne]

Seems there was a young soldier, who, just before battle, told his
sergeant that he didn't have a rifle.

"That's no problem, son," said the sergeant.  "Here, take this broom.
Just point it at the enemy, and go 'Bangety Bang Bang.'"

"But what about a bayonet, Sarge?" asked the young (and gullible)
recruit.

The sergeant pulls a piece of straw from the end of the broom, and
attaches it to the handle end.  "Here, use this ...  just go, 'Stabity
Stab Stab.'"

The recruit ends up alone on the battlefield, holding just his broom.
Suddenly, an enemy soldier charges at him.  The recruit points the
broom.

"Bangety Bang Bang!" The enemy falls dead.

More enemies appear.  The recruit, amazed at his good luck, goes
"Bangety Bang Bang!  Stabity Stab Stab!" He mows down the enemy
by the dozens.
Finally, the battlefield is clear, except for one enemy soldier
walking slowly toward him.

"Bangety Bang Bang!  shouts the recruit.  The enemy keeps coming.
"Bangety Bang Bang!" repeats the recruit, to no avail.  He gets
desperate.  "Bangety Bang Bang!  Stabity Stab Stab!" It's no use.

The enemy keeps coming.  He stomps the recruit into the ground,
and says
..  "Tankety Tank Tank."

 

[JudgeNot]

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.  He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by.  He kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God.  I'm still waiting."  He got down to the last couple of minutes, and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.  The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy; He sent me."
Semper Fi

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Judgenot,

     We need more Marines. Thanks, I needed that laugh.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[BUTCHA]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Ambassador4Christ,

   Arnold and Tiger.

Here's one I heard on Animal Planet the other day. I told it to my wife and she asked me if I really thought it is funny. Yes, I think it is funny.

Do you know why they stopped making pig pens?

that was so stupid its cracking me up










They have a hard enough time with #2 pencils.

I'll run for cover now.

In Christ,
Tom

[nChrist]

"Tankety Tank Tank."    

Oklahoma Howdy to Shylynne,

Nukety, Nuke, Nuke!

[sincereheart]

Not His Day.....

One afternoon this guy drives down a highway to visit a nearby lake and relax. On his way to the lake, he sees a man dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway.
The man gestures for him to stop.

Thinking there might be an emergency, the guy stops, rolls
down the window and says, "How can I help you?"

"I am the red jerk of the highway." The man dressed in red says. "You got something to eat?"

With a smile in his face, the guy hands a sandwich to the man in red and drives away. Not five minutes later, he comes across another man. This man is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving for him to stop.

A bit irritated, our guy stops, cranks down the window, and
says, "What can I do for you?"

"I am the yellow jerk of the highway." The man in yellow says.
"You got something to drink?"

Hardly managing to smile this time, he hands the man a can
of Coke, stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to
make it to the lakeside before sunset, he decides to go faster
and not stop no matter what.

To his frustration, he sees another man on the side of the road. This one is dressed in all in blue and is also signaling for him to stop. Reluctantly, our guy decides to stop one last time, rolls down his window, and yells, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, right? And just what do YOU want?"

"Driver's license and registration, please."

[nChrist]

"Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway, right? And just what do YOU want?"

"Driver's license and registration, please."

Oklahoma Howdy to Sincereheart,

     Thanks Sister, I needed that laugh.

Your joke was great. Now, here's my groaner. You may have to think about it a minute. When you figure it out, it still might not be funny.  

======================

A traffic cop stopped a woman for speeding and approached the car. The officer said, "Ma'am, I stopped you for going 35 mph in a 20 mph school zone." The lady answered, "But officer, I'm only going to be out for a few minutes."

[Tibby]

One of BEP's explots as a cop:

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the
Limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never
let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And
What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing
he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the
Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs
In behind! the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting The airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo To 105mph.  

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

"Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop, Officer tom ;-), approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and Officer Tom tells him that he's
stopped a  limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really! important," said Tom

Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said Officer Tom.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Tom: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Tom: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Tom: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope driving his limo!"