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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
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Author Topic: Favorite Jokes :)  (Read 16046 times)
Brother Love
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« Reply #120 on: August 03, 2004, 05:01:42 AM »

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does, toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise

"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen... Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


 Smiley

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Brother Love
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« Reply #121 on: August 30, 2004, 12:49:41 PM »

A Pole goes to the ophthalmologist who shows him a card with the letters

'C Z W X N Q S T A C Z'.

"Can you read this?" he asks.

"Read it?" the Pole replies, "I know the guy!"
Smiley
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #122 on: September 10, 2004, 04:23:00 PM »

 Grin

Do you want that super-sized?  Grin

The punch line on this is too good not to pass this one on....be sure to read it all!

In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower, and spinach, with green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds. So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's, and Krispy Kreme.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?"
And Man said: "Yes!"
And Woman said: "I'll have one, too. with sprinkles."
And lo they gained 10 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.

So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."

And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

And God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep-fried coconut shrimp, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.

Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them in animal
fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.

God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy Lycra jogging suits.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?"
And Man replied: "Yes! And super size 'em!"
And Satan said: " It is good."

And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed...and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

And Satan chuckled and created HMOs.  Grin
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Brother Love
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« Reply #123 on: September 16, 2004, 02:52:20 PM »


A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades.
 
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"
 
The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"
 
The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.
 
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.
 
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out .....
 
"$&#$%%^&*............THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"
Smiley
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Brother Love
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« Reply #124 on: September 22, 2004, 04:14:31 AM »

A marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed Iraqi soldier." Seeing each other we both took cover.

"What happened then?" the corpsman asked.



"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low life slug, and he yelled back: 'John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton are miserable slime balls'. "



"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."

 Smiley
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Brother Love
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« Reply #125 on: September 30, 2004, 02:16:46 PM »

For all you Texans out there....

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read "Calls: $10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the  pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Tulsa, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Brady, Texas, behold- he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a  minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?"I love this part.............................

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas
now......It's a local call."

 American by Birth -
A Texan by the Grace of God.
Smiley
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Brother Love
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« Reply #126 on: October 01, 2004, 03:59:57 PM »

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.  The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling,  and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give  him a ticket.  The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment  on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.  The Trooper told him that he  had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and  asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them  and  handed them to the juggler.  While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk good old boy, from S.C.,got out and watched the performance briefly, he then went over to the patrol car,  opened the rear door and got in.  The Trooper observed him doing this and  went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.  The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail,  cause there's no way I can pass that test."
Smiley
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Brother Love
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« Reply #127 on: October 04, 2004, 03:39:44 PM »

Blonde Humor Grin


 

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.  The blonde looks at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"

 

Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump"

 

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

 

Homer placed 20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her 20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."

 

Homer replies, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

 

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again.

 Grin Grin Grin
 
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Joey
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« Reply #128 on: October 10, 2004, 03:15:28 PM »

The Cowboy Without A Horse

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately,
the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his
drink, he found his horse had been stolen.

He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it
above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.

No one answered.

"All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside
by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to
have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had
another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.

He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of
the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."



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Shammu
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B(asic) I(nstructions) B(efore) L(eaving) E(arth)


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« Reply #129 on: October 11, 2004, 01:12:12 PM »


  30 Years difference

  1974:Long hair
  2004: Longing for hair

  1974: KEG
  2004: EKG

  1974: Acid rock
  2004: Acid reflux

  1974: Moving to California because it's cool
  2004: Moving to California because it's warm

  1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

  1974: Seeds and stems
  2004: Roughage

  1974: The Grateful Dead
  2004: Dr. Kevorkian

  1974: Going to a new, hip joint
  2004: Receiving a new hip joint

  1974: Rolling Stones
  2004: Kidney Stones

  1974: Being called into the principal's office
  2004: Calling the principal's office

  1974: Screw the system
  2004: Upgrade the system

  1974: Disco
  2004: Costco

  1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  1974: Passing the drivers' test
  2004: Passing the vision test

  1974: Whatever
  2004: Depends
Can I copy this Brother Love??
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Brother Love
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« Reply #130 on: October 11, 2004, 05:11:35 PM »


 30 Years difference

  1974:Long hair
  2004: Longing for hair

  1974: KEG
  2004: EKG

  1974: Acid rock
  2004: Acid reflux

  1974: Moving to California because it's cool
  2004: Moving to California because it's warm

  1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

  1974: Seeds and stems
  2004: Roughage

  1974: The Grateful Dead
  2004: Dr. Kevorkian

  1974: Going to a new, hip joint
  2004: Receiving a new hip joint

  1974: Rolling Stones
  2004: Kidney Stones

  1974: Being called into the principal's office
  2004: Calling the principal's office

  1974: Screw the system
  2004: Upgrade the system

  1974: Disco
  2004: Costco

  1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  1974: Passing the drivers' test
  2004: Passing the vision test

  1974: Whatever
  2004: Depends
Can I copy this Brother Love??[/size]


NO Grin




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sincereheart
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« Reply #131 on: October 13, 2004, 08:26:30 AM »


 30 Years difference

  1974:Long hair
  2004: Longing for hair

  1974: KEG
  2004: EKG

  1974: Acid rock
  2004: Acid reflux

  1974: Moving to California because it's cool
  2004: Moving to California because it's warm

  1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

  1974: Seeds and stems
  2004: Roughage

  1974: The Grateful Dead
  2004: Dr. Kevorkian

  1974: Going to a new, hip joint
  2004: Receiving a new hip joint

  1974: Rolling Stones
  2004: Kidney Stones

  1974: Being called into the principal's office
  2004: Calling the principal's office

  1974: Screw the system
  2004: Upgrade the system

  1974: Disco
  2004: Costco

  1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  1974: Passing the drivers' test
  2004: Passing the vision test

  1974: Whatever
  2004: Depends
Can I copy this Brother Love??[/size]


NO Grin


You're BAD!  Tongue

Hey DW, I can send it to ya in an IM. I got it in an e-mail.  Grin
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Brother Love
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« Reply #132 on: October 13, 2004, 05:53:05 PM »


 30 Years difference

  1974:Long hair
  2004: Longing for hair

  1974: KEG
  2004: EKG

  1974: Acid rock
  2004: Acid reflux

  1974: Moving to California because it's cool
  2004: Moving to California because it's warm

  1974: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
  2004: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

  1974: Seeds and stems
  2004: Roughage

  1974: The Grateful Dead
  2004: Dr. Kevorkian

  1974: Going to a new, hip joint
  2004: Receiving a new hip joint

  1974: Rolling Stones
  2004: Kidney Stones

  1974: Being called into the principal's office
  2004: Calling the principal's office

  1974: Screw the system
  2004: Upgrade the system

  1974: Disco
  2004: Costco

  1974: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
  2004: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

  1974: Passing the drivers' test
  2004: Passing the vision test

  1974: Whatever
  2004: Depends
Can I copy this Brother Love??[/size]


NO Grin


You're BAD!  Tongue

Hey DW, I can send it to ya in an IM. I got it in an e-mail.  Grin

You better NOT


 Grin



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