Favorite Jokes :)

[JudgeNot]

"He's got the Pope driving his limo!"

he-he-he-he  

[nChrist]

"He's got the Pope driving his limo!"

Thanks Tibby! - I needed that laugh.

[Tibby]

Any time

[The Crusader]

WEST VIRGINIA Mountaineers

A group of W.Va. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had  a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

===============================================
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at W.V.U.  was overheard saying ...
"when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia."
When asked why,  he  stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

==================================================

The young Mountaineer came running into the store and said to his buddy,   "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Mountaineer answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

=======================================================

NEWS FLASH ! Morgantown, WV

West Virginia's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two West Virginia University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Morgantown.
Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

=============================================================

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut... ?"

[Ambassador4Christ]

WEST VIRGINIA Mountaineers

A group of W.Va. friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.  "Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had  a stroke of some kind.  He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

===============================================
Regarding the year 2000, a senior at W.V.U.  was overheard saying ...
"when the end of the world comes, I hope to be in West Virginia."
When asked why,  he  stated that everything happens here 20 years later than the rest of the civilized world.

==================================================

The young Mountaineer came running into the store and said to his buddy,   "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Mountaineer answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

=======================================================

NEWS FLASH ! Morgantown, WV

West Virginia's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two West Virginia University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Morgantown.
Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

=============================================================

A West Virginia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-79.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut... ?"

LOL Thanks Crusader

[Ambassador4Christ]

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED,
FOR THE SAME REASON

[JudgeNot]

POLITICIANS & DIAPERS
NEED TO BE CHANGED,
FOR THE SAME REASON  

Is it approipriate for me to say AMEN! to that?  

[nChrist]

Hello Guys,

Here's the warm-up. The real knee-slapper is next.  

_____________________

We're having a dinner catered at our house this week end.  The chef is "Wheels" Pierre.  He's the chef at the local Road Kill Cafe (you kill it we grill it).

The Menu Choices:

    Center Line Bovine
        real good right from the hood
    Chicken
        that didn't cross the road
    Flat Cat
        single or in a stack

Dessert
    Road Toad Ala Mode

They also have a daily special
    "Guess That Mess"
        free if you can guess what it is

[nChrist]

THE PERKS OF BEING 50+ .....sigh...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run - anywhere.

4. People call at 9 P.M. & ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You enjoy hearing about other peoples' operations.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You have a party & the neighbors don't even realize it.

12. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

13. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

14. You sing along with elevator music.

15. Your eyes won't get much worse.

16. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

17. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

18. Your secrets are safe with your friends, because they can't remember them either.

19. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

20. You can't remember who sent you this list.



Chapter 1:  GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, You're it.

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket.

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Who.

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and forget why you're there.

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.

10. Musical recliners.


Chapter 2:   SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.

3. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.

4. You change your underwear after every sneeze.

5. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to the Mall.


Chapter 3:  SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes & you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy & your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means there's no need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to go to the bathroom.

[Ambassador4Christ]

A blonde named Pam is appearing on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" with Regis Philbin. Regis: "Pam, you're up to $500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million dollars If you get it wrong, you drop back to $32,000. Are you ready?"

Pam: "Yes."

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) Sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Pam: "I'd like to phone a friend. I'd like to call Carol."
Carol (also a blonde) answers the phone: "Hello?"

Regis: "Hello Carol, it's Regis Philbin from Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one million dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam's."
Pam: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?
Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush."
Carol: "Oh geez, Pam. That's simple. It's a cuckoo."
Pam: "Are you sure?"
Carol: "I'm sure."
Regis: "Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the $500,000 or play for the million?"
Pam: "I want to play; I'll go with C) cuckoo."
Regis: "Is that your final answer?"
Pam: "Yes."
Regis: "Are you confident?"
Pam: "Yes; I think Carol's pretty smart."
Regis: "You said C) cuckoo, and you're right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!"
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they're sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, "Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?"

That's easy, everybody knows they live in clocks."

[Ambassador4Christ]

Room 302

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Sarah Finkel, room 302."

"I'll connect you with the nursing station."

"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel  in room 302."

"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure  is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a  couple of hours  and, if  she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her  home  Tuesday at noon."

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"


"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything

[JudgeNot]

      A4C - you are one funny guy.  Do you do "Stand-up"?

Here's one:

After hearing a sermon about wives submitting to husbands, and husbands submitting to wives, the husband decides he needs to add some “spice” between him and his wife of many years.  So he goes to the local mall and visits Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for her.  He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price; the more sheer, the higher the price.  He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.  He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs and put it on before bedtime.  Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I'll not put it on, my husband will never know the difference, and I’ll return it tomorrow and get a $500 refund.  So when the husband goes upstairs to bed, he walks in their bedroom and the wife strikes a pose.  The husband says, "Whoa! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"  




Funeral Services are pending

[nChrist]

     

Thanks Brother! - I needed those laughs.

[Ambassador4Christ]

Good one JudgeNot LOL


-----------------------------------------

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned
that most people die of natural causes.

[Shylynne]

A favorite joke ...

My Wife is Poisoning Me!

A man goes to see his rabbi about a problem he is having.

"Something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you
about it." says the man.

"What's the matter?" asks the rabbi, sensing that there is a
serious problem.

"My wife is poisoning me!" exclaims the man.

Stunned, the rabbi asks, "How can that be?"

"I'm telling you that I'm certain that she's poisoning me."
replies the man.

The rabbi puts his hand on the man to comfort him and says,
"Let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out
and let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man. "Well I spoke to your
wife. I called her on the phone and spoke to
her for four hours. Would you like my advice?"

"Yes, please." requests the man.

The rabbi pauses then says, "Take the poison."