Favorite Jokes :)

[Coyote]

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
>were to begin.  Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
>he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged  In
>his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible. The
>church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.  It
>was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen.  The
>people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and
>accessories  As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.  No
>one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
>appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon
>about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the
>church needed to do God's work.  As the old cowboy was leaving the church,
>the! preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
>"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what
>He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here." The old cowboy
>assured the preacher he would.  The next Sunday, he showed back up for the
>services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat.  Once again
>he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and
>said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our
>church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he
>tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the
>preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should
>wear.  He says He's never been in this church before."
>

[Ambassador4Christ]

One Sunday morning an old cowboy entered a church just before services
>were to begin.  Although the old man and his clothes were spotlessly clean,
>he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn and ragged  In
>his hand he carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out bible. The
>church he entered was in a very upscale and exclusive part of the city.  It
>was the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen.  The
>people of the congregation were all dressed with expensive clothes and
>accessories  As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him.  No
>one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were all appalled at his
>appearance and did not attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon
>about Hellfire and brimstone and a stern lecture on how much money the
>church needed to do God's work.  As the old cowboy was leaving the church,
>the! preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor.
>"Before you come back in here again, have a talk with God and ask him what
>He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship here." The old cowboy
>assured the preacher he would.  The next Sunday, he showed back up for the
>services wearing the same ragged jeans, shirt, boots, and hat.  Once again
>he was completely shunned and ignored. The preacher approached the man and
>said, "I thought I asked you to speak to God before you came back to our
>church." "I did," replied the old cowboy. "If you spoke to God, what did he
>tell you the proper attire should be for worshiping in here?" asked the
>preacher. "Well, sir, God told me that He didn't have a clue what I should
>wear.  He says He's never been in this church before."
>

Good one Coyote

[Ambassador4Christ]

Thank God for Children Saying Grace...

Last week I took my children to a restaurant. My
six-year-old son asked if he could say grace. As we
bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great.
Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you
more if Mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty
and justice for all! Amen!"
Along with the laughter from the other customers
nearby I heard a ! woman remark, "That's what's wrong
with this country. Kids today don't even know how to
pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!" Hearing
this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do
it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a
terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an
elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at
my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought
that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then in a
theatrical whisper he added (indicating the woman
whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad
she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream
is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of
the meal. My son stared at his for a moment and then
did something I will remember the rest of my ! life.
He picked up his sundae and without a word, walked
over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her, "Here,! this is for you.
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes; and my soul
is good already."

The End.

I loved this story! Please keep it moving. Sometimes
we all need some ice cream. I pray God sends you some
Ice Cream today.

[Coyote]

I agree ice cream is good for the soul. GOOD STORY!!!!!!

[michael_legna]

The young recuits in the army were given their guns and told not to lose them.

The next day they were called out for muster before going on an exercise, but one recruit had lost his gun.

The drill sergeant came down on him hard for several minutes then decided that to embarrass him he would have to participate in the exercise anyway pretending to hold a rifle.  But he would have to go Bangity bang bang bang to shoot and Stabbity stab stab stab to use his bayonet.

Well the exercise commenced and to everyone's suprise the recruit was great, he was practically winning the day on his own, going Bangity bang bang bang and Stabbity stab stab stab.  It looked like his platoon was going to win until one last recruit from the other force came over the hill.

The first recruit attacked Bangity bang bang bang, Stabbity stab stab stab, Bangity bang bang bang, Stabbity stab stab stab but the other refused to die, he just walked right over the top of the first recruit going Tankity tank tank tank.

[TigerLily]

> .Subject: Six Again
>
>
> A man asked his wife what she'd like for Mother's Day.
>
> "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of Mother's Day,
he arose early, got up fixed her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and  then
took her off to the local theme park.
>
> What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear,
>
> the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.  Five hours
later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her
stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's  where
her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a
refreshing chocolate shake.  Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star
Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy,  M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!  Finally she wobbled home with her  husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious  wife with a big
smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like  being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly  changed. "You idiot, I
meant my dress size!"
>
> The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it
wrong..

[The Crusader]

Thanks everyone, I enjoyed them all. LOL

[JudgeNot]

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN, by Dave Barry

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggest that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. FINAL Thought for the day: Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

[Ambassador4Christ]

Thanks JudgeNot

Whose Fault Is It

  Let's see if I understand how the world works lately...

If a man cuts his finger off while slicing salami at work, he blames the restaurant.
 

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.
 
If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender.
 
If your grandchildren are brats without manners,
you blame television.

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.
 

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased
blames the airline.
 

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it
is anymore. So, if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is
parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame
Bill Gates...okay?
 
 

Bye!
Have a Great Day!
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.  The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make'em all ugly again".

SO....THE NEXT TIME YOU'RE 'LAST IN LINE'...CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY!

[JudgeNot]

Ha-ha-ha!  A4C  - now I have to call 911 - Help! I've fallen down (laughing!) and I can't get up!

[JudgeNot]

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his
wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three
o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and
returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's three o'clock in the morning
and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes
out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the
dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes back the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

[The Crusader]

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his
wife at 3 o'clock in the morning. The man gets up
and goes to the door where a drunken stranger,
standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three
o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and
returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked the wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's three o'clock in the morning
and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you remember about three months ago when we
broke down and those two guys helped us? I think
you should help him, and should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes
out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the
dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes back the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

Good One LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs; and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Oklahoma.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes!

What makes you think you can stereotype women in that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person.

Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general ... and all in the name of humor."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy sitting on your knee."

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

   Thanks Brother! - I needed that laugh.

Love In Christ,
Tom