Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Quotes:

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.  That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. - Sacha Guitry

She's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? - Jerry Seinfeld

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for  a jury. - George Burns

I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word.... if only she'd get to it. - Henny Youngman

My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite. - Woody Allen

Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married? - Barbra Streisand

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! - Henny Youngman

[sincereheart]

The REAL way my husband and I met and the REAL reason he married me!  

[nChrist]

       Sincereheart, What a HOOT!! - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

[sincereheart]

     Sincereheart, What a HOOT!! - Thanks, I needed that laugh.

The horse is gone but he did keep me!   Must be true love!

[Shammu]

The REAL way my husband and I met and the REAL reason he married me!  

LOL  

[Shammu]

Go Crazy

Eddie's father called up to him, 'Eddie, if you don't stop playing that trumpet I think I'll go crazy!'
Eddy replied, 'I think you are already, I stopped playing half an hour ago.

[Shammu]

I know this one is a GROANER!!!!

"The Widower Playing Golf"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[Shammu]

"Mickey Mouse Wants A Divorce"

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but i can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was Goofy!

[Shammu]

"The Blondes Who Finished The Jigsaw Puzzle"

A group of blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. The gals lift their glasses and toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they proceed to down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.

The bartender says, "I don't get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?"

One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

[Shammu]

"Is The Dog Dead?"

A woman took her dog to the vet "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move.
"Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

[Shammu]

"The millionare with alligators"

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests...I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could...the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that WATER!!!

[Shammu]

"The Gate Is Broken"

 St.Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"

[Shammu]

"Princess Diana : Q & A"

Q - What did Pricness Diana say to Dodi Faijed when he presented her with a multi-thousand dollar ring in the Mercades?
A - "Dodi,... I think that we're moving too fast,..."

Q - How is Princess Diana different from Tiger Woods?
A - Tiger Woods knows how to pick a driver.

[Shammu]

"Neighbors In Montana"

A sucessful business man became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere in Montana. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoofbeats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse. "Hold it neighbor" the man says, " I'm your neighbor, I have a ranch only 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting.... We'll have a great time". Not wanting to be unneighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and ask's " How should I dress?" " Aw, don't matter" replied the neighbor, " Only gonna be the two of us".

[michael_legna]

Here is a groaner in honor of BlackEyedPeas and the tenth anniversary of the Simpson low speed chase.

Q.  Why do cops in LA drink coffee with their donuts?

A.  It takes them three hours to get OJ.