BULL

[Forrest]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of
iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private bathroom, he was astonished to see a
solid gold urinal.

That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal, too. But I
couldn't be that self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery Of Bill's
gold urinal.

Hillary just smiled and nodded, but later that evening when Bill and
Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary said to Bill, "By the way, I found
out who peed in your saxophone."

[nChrist]

   

Great ones Brother Forrest!

Now, for my groaner:
____________________

The atheist and the bear:

An atheist was walking through a beautiful forest area, admiring the wonders produced by random evolutionary processes - the lovely trees, the sparkling brooks, the interesting wildlife.....

Suddenly, an enormous, savage Grizzly Bear roared out of the bushes, and rising up began to reach out claws and teeth to devour the atheist. Although he ran as hard as he could, the bear ran faster and the, the tired atheist tripped over a root! Enormous, powerful, enraged, the mighty bear towered over his prostrate body, his claws raised to rend and tear...

"Oh! My God! " exclaimed the atheist. Suddenly, time froze, a complete silence descended on the scene. The bear stood silent and motionless as a carved statue. A mighty voice spoke to the atheist out of a blinding light:

"ALL YOUR LIFE YOU HAVE DENIED MY EXISTENCE! WHY SHOULD I NOW INTERFERE WITH NATURAL LAW TO SAVE YOUR MISERABLE, UN-BELIEVER LIFE? "

The atheist responded, reasonably enough, "I admit it would be hypocritical to ask you to save me, but would it be unreasonable to use your power to set aside natural law to turn the BEAR into a Christian? "

"DONE" intoned the mighty voice from the light. Suddenly, the light fades, time resumed, the forest came alive again and the BEAR resumed its life. Slowly, the menacing claw came down, and the enormous fore-arms folded themselves into an attitude of devout, claws-together prayer. The bear sank to a kneeling position on its hind legs, and respectfully intoned: "FATHER, FOR THE FOOD I AM ABOUT TO RECEIVE, I TRULY THANK YOU."

[nChrist]

Funny and sad at the same time............

POLITICALLY CORRECT LORD'S PRAYER:


Our (mis)Concept of Patriarchal Authority, who, it can be said, inhabits the metaphysical sphere, privileged be your signifier.

May your social structure achieve dominance.

May the enactment of your desire be manifested throughout the physical-metaphysical dichotomy.

Empower us this day with the means of material production, And refuse to enforce sanctions against our behavior which some see as subversions of a moral perspective, just as we refuse to marginalize the moral perspectives of others who have exerted their individuality.

Don't lead us into situations that some would (mis)understand as detrimental to the full expression of our humanness, but liberate us from the concept of "evil."

For yours is the hegemony, and the dominance, and perceived mystification within the entire continuum of the Western concept of linear time.

Agender neutral

[Forrest]

       A couple of good ones BEP.

        Eight Words with two Meanings
> .
> 1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood.
> Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
>
> 2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's
> self emotionally to another. Male..........Playing football without a cup.
>
> 3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing
> of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male...........Leaving a note
> before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
>
> 4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female.......A desire to get married and
> raise a family. Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out
> with this one.
>
>
> 5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female......A good movie,
> concert, play or book. Male..........Anything that can be done while
> drinking beer.
>
>
> 6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of
> indigestion. Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression,
male
> bonding.
>
>
>
> 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......The greatest expression of
> intimacy a couple can achieve. Male...........Call it whatever you want
> just as long as we do it.
>
> 8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female.......A device for
> changing from one TV channel to another. Male...........A device for
> scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Forrest]

Seen on T-Shirts

1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences.

He thought he was God and I didn't!

2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

3) I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10) Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

11) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

15) God must love stupid people, he made so many.

16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

17) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

19) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

20) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

24) Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam (seen on Cape Cod)

26) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up

27) Procrastinate Now

28) Rehab Is for Quitters

29) My Dog Can Lick Anyone

32) Finally 21, and Legally Able To Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15

33) West Virginia: One million people and 15 last names

34) FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software.

35) MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT

37) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

38) STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!

40) They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken

41) He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead

43) POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN ....

Cops have nothing to go on.

44) FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.

45) HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH

46) A PICTURE IS WORTH A 1000 WORDS, but it uses up a 1000 times the memory.

47) The Meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.

48) Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

49) HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

50) WELCOME TO TENNESSEE - Set your watch back 20 years.

51) The trouble with life is there's no background music.

52) The original "point and click interface" was a Smith & Wesson.

[Forrest]

After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her
bed. "There is something I must tell you about your baby."


" What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.


"Your baby is a hermaphrodite."


"What's that?"


"It means your baby has both male and female parts."



"Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said. "You mean it has a gotcha10
and a brain?"

[admin]

That's just a hoax Forrest. Be careful what you post. As much as we all wish it were true, it's not. See this page.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/quran.asp

Admin

[nChrist]

GOD'S BILLBOARDS

The God billboards that are catching the eyes of drivers in the Dallas area are financed by a non-religious organization, according to the Smith Agency, that created them. The award-winning campaign first ran in Florida, where it was financed by an individual. The following are all of the God slogans created for the campaign:

1. Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -- God

2. C'mon over and bring the kids. -- God

3. What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -- God

4. We need to talk. -- God

5. Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -- God

6. Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. -- God

7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing ... I meant it. -- God

8. I love you, I love you, I love you. -- God

9. Will the road you're on get you to my place? -- God

10. Follow me. -- God

11. Big Bang Theory? You've got to be kidding. -- God

12. My way is the highway. -- God

13. Need directions? -- God

14. You think it's hot here? -- God

15. Tell the kids I love them. -- God

16. Need a marriage counselor? I'm available. -- God

17. Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -- God

18. Do you have any idea where you're going? -- God

[Forrest]

That's just a hoax Forrest. Be careful what you post. As much as we all wish it were true, it's not. See this page.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/quran.asp

Admin

    Thanks BEP. I did get it in a E-Mail, will delete.

[nChrist]

That's just a hoax Forrest. Be careful what you post. As much as we all wish it were true, it's not. See this page.

http://www.snopes.com/politics/war/quran.asp

Admin

    Thanks BEP. I did get it in a E-Mail, will delete.

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

Brother, I get a ton of stuff in Email also. The post about it being a hoax was from ADMIN, not me. When I read your post about the Eagle, I was thinking the same thing you did.

In Christ,
Tom

[Corpus]

A priest and pastor from the local churches are
standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
"The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before
it's too late!"

"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled a
driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

The pastor turns to the priest and asks, "Do you
think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?"

[Ambassador4Christ]

Across America DRIVING TEST  

http://www.fhwa.dot.gov/safety/fourthlevel/msaa/road_challenge.html
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

These are 5th and 6th graders answers on tests. The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between fifth and 6th grade ages. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers,
enough misinformation to satisfy Donald Rumsfeld and, of course, spelling!
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Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydralics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount  Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada  but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice.  They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The gamess were messier then than they show on TV noow.
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Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Same to you, Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success.  When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
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It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.  
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William  Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made such money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and
hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost.  Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.  Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was
a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
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Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
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Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions.  People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
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Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why.
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Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
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Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did.  Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.  
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Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.  Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.

[Paul2]

 

[nChrist]

       Good ones!

For Tibby,

Sleepwalking Nun:
 
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

....

A Roamin' Catholic.