BULL

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy,

"Cagey Cajun" and "Year 2043" - Thanks brothers, I needed a laugh.

ROFL and couldn't get up.  

In Christ,
Tom

[Brother Love]

The Shepherd  


 A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
  The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
  The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

  The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. Then the young man opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
  Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

  "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." says the shepherd.
  He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says  to the young man:
 
  "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me  back my sheep?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then  says, "Okay, why not?"

  "You're a consultant." says the shepherd. "Wow! That's correct," says the  yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the  shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want  to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and  you don't know crap about my business... Now give me back my dog!!

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YWCA and found himself
in the women's locker room.  When he was spotted,
the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing
towels and running for cover. The little boy watched
in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter
haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"  
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

POLICE
 
While taking a routine vandalism report at an
elementary school, I was interrupted by a little
girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down
at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"

"Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.

"My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask
the police.  Is that right?"

"Yes, that's right," I told her.

"Well, then," she said as she extended her foot
toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

[Ambassador4Christ]

Snappy Answer

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped  for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 

[Brother Love]

Snappy Answer

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped  for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
 

LOL

Brother Love

[Ambassador4Christ]

Snappy Answer

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."  

[Brother Love]

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.  

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of
coffee,"  said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"said a  fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old  man as he slowly shook his head.

The others just nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank  God we  can all still drive"


HAVE A GREAT DAY  

[Ambassador4Christ]

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.  

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of
coffee,"  said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,"said a  fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old  man as he slowly shook his head.

The others just nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank  God we  can all still drive"


HAVE A GREAT DAY  

How true LOL

[Ambassador4Christ]

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five Continue playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the  door.
The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just  lost $500, and is afraid to come home." "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" she yells.
"I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.

[Symphony]

Hehe, that's perfect, Amb4.  That's a good one.


Here's one:  

   Mabel and Marge, goin' to town in the ole' jalopy, barely see up over the dashboard.

   They're goin along, come to the first red traffic light---ziiiiip, Mabel zooms right on through!   Marge is alarmed, says to herself, wow, next time I'M driving.

   Goin' along, come to the next red light---ziiiiip, Mabel zooms right on through!!  Marge is terrified, Mabel DEFINITELY not know what she's doing.

   Goin' along, come to the next red light---ziiip, Mable zooms--"MABEL!  WHAT'RE YOU DOING??!!  YOU JUST DROVE THROUGH THREE, THREERED LIGHTS"---"OHHH, MARGE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DRIVING!!"


     

[Ambassador4Christ]

BBQ

Definition of Barbecuing.  It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, ice tea in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables..
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."  And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Ambassador4Christ]

SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
"I'm just wasting  my time," she said to her mother.
"I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"
 

[Brother Love]

Hehe, that's perfect, Amb4.  That's a good one.


Here's one:  

   Mabel and Marge, goin' to town in the ole' jalopy, barely see up over the dashboard.

   They're goin along, come to the first red traffic light---ziiiiip, Mabel zooms right on through!   Marge is alarmed, says to herself, wow, next time I'M driving.

   Goin' along, come to the next red light---ziiiiip, Mabel zooms right on through!!  Marge is terrified, Mabel DEFINITELY not know what she's doing.

   Goin' along, come to the next red light---ziiip, Mable zooms--"MABEL!  WHAT'RE YOU DOING??!!  YOU JUST DROVE THROUGH THREE, THREERED LIGHTS"---"OHHH, MARGE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DRIVING!!"


     

Good one

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

BBQ

Definition of Barbecuing.  It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do the 'BBQ' the following chain of events are put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, ice tea in hand.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables..
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) Everyone praises man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."  And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

Sounds like John the Baptist

Brother Love

P.S. Good joke Bro