BULL

[Ambassador4Christ]

A Day on the Bus


A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said:
"That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff,
the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took
an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.


The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated
and asked her what was wrong.


"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.


The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant
and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."


You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there
and give him a piece of my mind."


"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold
your monkey."
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”
Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “ I’m on the wrong bus!”

[Ambassador4Christ]

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about
their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled
the woodwork."

The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"

The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and
baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

 

[Ambassador4Christ]

A hug is a great gift, one size fits all. It can be given for
any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

[Ambassador4Christ]

Bumper Stickers...
National Atheist's Day April 1  

[Forrest]

Subject: FW: It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States



 It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States
 
   The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going
to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

    Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
 build the Ark.

     "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

        Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive
me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

          First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

           Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

              Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

             The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

           When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed,the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

              Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am tryingto resolve a complaint filed with the Equal EmploymentOpportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

              The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft." Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

         The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seasbegan to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
                "No," said the Lord says, "The government already has!"

[Ambassador4Christ]

Subject: FW: It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States



 It is the year 2003 and Noah lives in the United States
 
   The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going
to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.

    Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to
 build the Ark.

     "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

        Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord please forgive
me!" cried Noah. "I did my best but there were big problems.

          First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.

           Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.

              Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there
was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S.Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.

             The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

           When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I got the suit dismissed,the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.

              Then the Army Corps of Engineer demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right now, I am tryingto resolve a complaint filed with the Equal EmploymentOpportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!

              The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft." Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.

         The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seasbegan to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
                "No," said the Lord says, "The government already has!"

Oldie but goldie Thanks again Forrest  

[Brother Love]

Managing to pull himself onto the bus early one morning, the drunk stumbled over passengers, knocked over bags and briefcases, and finally fell into a seat beside a prim old woman. He slumped over her, and she pushed him back. “Mister,” she said indignantly. “I hate to say it, but you are going straight to hell!”
Startled, the drunk leapt to his feet. “ I’m on the wrong bus!”

LOL

Brother Love

[Forrest]

the only diff. I would make is the 10 dollars for Oil, I think we should clean the oil drums fill with Grain and send back even swap. if they don't like that, let them starve then we would have oil free.  Gene

> > >"Never a truer word was spoken in jest."
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >   Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!)
> > >   I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a
> > plan
> > >   for peace. So, here's one plan:
> > >
> > >   1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in
> > their
> > >   affairs, past &present. We will promise never to "interfere" again.
> > >   2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting
> > with
> > >   Germany, South Korea and the Philippines. They don't want us there.
> > We
> > >   would station troops at our borders. No more sneaking through holes
> > in
> > >   the fence.
> > >
> > >   3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and
> > >   leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder
> > >   will be gathered up and deported immediately,regardless of who or
> > where
> > >they are. France would welcome them.
> > >
> > >   4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90
> > day
> > >visits unless given a special permit. No one from a terrorist nation
> > would
> > >   be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself. Don't
> >
> > >hide  here. Asylum would not ever be available to anyone. We don't need
> > any
> > >   more cab drivers.
> > >   5) No "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If
> > they
> > >don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home, baby.
> > >
> > >   6) The US will make a strong effort to become self sufficient energy
> >
> > >wise. This will include developing non polluting sources of energy but
> > >   will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness.
> > The
> > >   caribou will have to cope for a while.
> > >
> > >   7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel
> > for
> > >   their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else.
> > >
> > >   If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world,
> > we
> > >   will not "interfere". They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds,
> >
> > >rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides, most of what we give them
> > gets
> > >   "lost" or is taken by their army. The people who need it most get
> > very
> > >   little, anyway.
> > >
> > >   9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an island some place. We don't need
> > the
> > >   spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, it would make a good
> > >   homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.
> > >   10) Use the buildings as replacement for the twin towers.
> > >
> > >   11) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no
> > one
> > >   can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
> > >
> > >   12) Now, ain't that a winner of a plan.
> > >
> > >   13) "The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your poor,
> > your
> > >   tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's
> > yelling,
> > >   'You want a piece of me?'

[Ambassador4Christ]

  Thanks Forrest

[Brother Love]

Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about
their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?

The first: "I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled
the woodwork."

The second: "I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!"

The third (who was looking pretty smug): "I caught them, and
baptized and confirmed each one. I haven't seen them since."

 

Right On, LOL

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Who ever said women don't enjoy doing laundry?

Dear Tide:

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it since the beginning of married life, when my mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse.

My husband started to berate me about my drinking problem. One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse as well. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out.

After a quick trip out, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came out so well, in fact, that the DNA tests were negative! I thank you, once again, for a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

ROFL - I needed that.  

THANKS BROTHER!

[Ambassador4Christ]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Love,

ROFL - I needed that.  

THANKS BROTHER!

DITTO  

[Brother Love]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a Redneck are captured by a fierce tribe of Indians.The chief walks up to them and says, "I have bad news and good news.The bad news is you will all die, and we will use your skin to make canoes. The good news is you can choose the way you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." When given the poison, the Frenchman shouts, "Viva la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for m! e." When given the pistol, the Englishman puts the gun to his head and shouts, God save the queen!" and shoots himself in the head.

The Redneck asks for a fork. Puzzled, the chief hands the Redneck a fork, and he begins stabbing himself all over his body, his stomach, his sides, his chest ... everywhere.

As the blood from the redneck begins gushing out all over, the chief is appalled and screams, "What are you doing?"

The Redneck looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, Bubba!"

Brother Love