Laughter - Good Medicine

[nChrist]

Smart Dog:

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth.

The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable.

The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels through town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still
in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -wham!- against the door.

He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -wham!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?

This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for Heaven's sake!" To which the guy responds, "Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"

[nChrist]

(It's an old one, but I like it.)

The Chicken Farmer:

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local feed store and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the feed store man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

[nChrist]

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

[nChrist]

Rules Guys Wish Girls Knew:


If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect gift.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.

Don't ask about his thoughts unless you want to discuss navel lint, shotguns, or monster trucks.

Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different. It's just like every other cat.

A dog is better than ANY cat. Period.

Shopping is not a sport.

Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect him to submit to it.

Your ex-boyfriend is, was, and always will be an idiot.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark important days on a calendar.

Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes. What makes you think he would be any good at choosing which pair, out of your thirty, would look good with your dress?

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil.

Anything said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and/or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask him to do something or tell him how you want it done - not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

[nChrist]

(An old one, but I like it.)

Gifts for Teacher:

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.
Some flowers."

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

[Symphony]

Slogans for Women's T-shirts:

I'm out of estrogen, but I have a gun!

Guys have feelings too, but who cares?

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.

Do NOT start with me You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Hmmm.  Sounds like bep been learning his lesson.  


Where do get all these, bep.  Funny!!

   

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

Hmmm.  Sounds like bep been learning his lesson.  


Where do get all these, bep.  Funny!!

I get quite a few in Email from friends and family, but my wife is a school teacher and teachers trade jokes all the time to maintain sanity.    I used to post them more often, but we're not getting as many as we used to for some reason. I understand that the teachers send them back and forth between schools, and I'd love to get on their Email list. You know they live on the edge, and most of them aren't quite right by the end of a normal day with all of those kids.  

If I can ever find them, I saved police jokes for years. In fact, I had a police humor thread on my BBS, 357 Magnum, for many years. There would be a thousand or more, and I would love to find them. If I do, I'll post some of the best ones. It was a FIDOnet BBS, and I was a Net Coordinator. A thread was local to one machine, and echos were either area, national, or international. Believe it or not, I processed as many as 2500 messages a day through my system. I probably have thousands of regular jokes some place, but I can't find them either. Several of the echos were all humor. Just for trivia, I served as an International Moderator for FIDOnet's ASKACOP Echo for many years. The Internet killed the vast majority of Bulletin Boards, and that's a shame.

Did you ever visit an old-fashioned Bulletin Board?

Love in Christ,
Tom

[Symphony]

No, I never visited a bullentin board.  I brand new to the Net and technology generally.


What do you mean the Net killed the bulentin board?


Wow, it sounds like you were really at the center.

Hmm, I wasn't aware of that 'bout the teachers.  Hmm, on the edge all the time.  

I wonder if I would enjoy teaching.  I like to think tht I would.  I'd love to, actually, I think.  But it would be exhausting, I would think.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Symphony,

What do you mean the Net killed the bulentin board?

There was a time when things were pretty expensive, and average people could not afford the phone bills to send and receive messages around the world. That was one of the big advantages of belonging to a big net, one where messages were relayed from one hub to the next. We all had to pay fees, but we shared the fees and reduced the costs with a relay system incorporating a net of over 30,000 computers around the world.

Most System Operators tried to keep the cost low enough to pay all of the bills themselves, but many of the users had to pay long distance fees to use the BBS, and they paid by the minute to access the BBS. I was one who paid all of my bills, and I didn't charge anyone a fee of any kind, even when I had to pay fees to deliver their mail. During times of war or emergency, we sent and received messages to and from military personnel all over the world, especially when phones were tied up or too expensive for average people. We were able to compress a large message and send it to the next hub in seconds or split-seconds.

When the Internet first started to become popular, many people couldn't afford it. Most FIDOnet Operators already had links to the Internet they could use for little or nothing. As a result, the first Emails many people sent were sent via a relay from a FIDOnet system at no cost to them. Messages were also sent and received in what were called SIGs, Special Interest Groups. FIDOnet had thousands of them. Let's say your hobby was stamp collecting and trading. You could subscribe to that SIG on a FIDOnet system and talk/trade with other stamp collectors around the world. When you logged into the system, the messages of your interest were waiting for you.

Along came several free Internet Email providers, and many eventually became a local call. This started reducing the popularity of FIDOnet systems. Then, along came full Internet Service Providers, and many eventually became a local call with reasonable monthly charges. FIDOnet systems never offered the full services of the Internet, as that would require huge systems and huge bills. Most FIDOnet Systems did offer on-line games, but none compared to what was offered on the Internet. I had 25 online games on my system and free Email/Netmail. I also maintained immediate access to over 300 FIDOnet SIGs. There are various message groups on the Internet that would easily go over 100,000. I wouldn't even guess about how many games could be played on the Internet and how many services are offered that could never be offered by a FIDOnet System (i.e. online banking, stock trading, etc.). The best a FIDOnet System could do was offer a tiny glimpse of the Internet. Prices came down low enough for average people, and they stopped calling the FIDOnet Systems. Part of the price obviously involved computer equipment and modems. My last modem that I used in 1997 for my system cost over $500, and I had needs that only that modem could supply. Today's equivalent for accessing the Internet is very simple and might cost $30.

All of these things worked together and most of the nets started to die. I hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane.  

In Christ,
Tom

[The Crusader]

(It's an old one, but I like it.)

The Chicken Farmer:

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming. He heads to the local feed store and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens." The feed store man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says,

"Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the feed store man replies. "You must really be doing well!" "Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

 

[nChrist]

A Question To Ponder:

Where do you find a dog with no legs?











Right where you left it.

[nChrist]

The Wrong Way  (An old one - but still good):

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

[nChrist]

Kofi Annan’s New Year's UN Resolutions:

Be brave -- ask US for more money.
Salt and pepper beard more.

Apply for US citizenship.

Lose weight -- no more delicious McDonald's cultural hegemony!

Bad-mouth US in front of Middle Eastern diplomats more.

Daily affirmation: "I am not the tool of the world's sole superpower!"

Make the UN more bureaucratized.

Talk to US President more in broader terms - "African People Hungry," "Arabs Hate You," "Germany no likee war. Now." Perhaps speak slower.

Finally count out Third World dues change jar.

Resolve to cut the word “Secretary” from title. “General Annan” catchier.

Change name of UN Security Council to either "THE STAR CHAMBER", or "THE LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMAN", or “THE GUNS AND MISSILES CLUB”.

Switch lame blue helmets of peacekeeping forces to ninja masks.

Do charter bi-lines allow the UN to stockpile Weapons of Mass Destruction of their own? Could be help when negotiating with uppity Western Nations. Look into it this year. FOR REAL THIS TIME!!!!

[nChrist]

The CIA Opening for an Assassin (An old one - but good one)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”

The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[nChrist]

PC Pot:

A Dell employee got busted for pot in Manhattan recently. President Bush and many conservative lawmakers are surprisingly upset, as they have always pushed the view that marijuana is a Gateway drug.