Laughter - Good Medicine

[Shammu]

This one may bother someone. :eek:
I think it is funny.




The U.S. Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of Senator  Hillary Clinton to honor her achievements as First Lady of our nation.   In daily use it was shown that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.   This enraged Senator Clinton, who demanded a full investigation.   After months of testing, a special presidential commission made the following findings:

l. The stamp was in perfect order.
2. There was nothing wrong with the applied adhesive.
3. People were spitting on the wrong side.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Dreamweaver,

     The exploding paint dye joke was my favorite. Thanks, I needed those laughs.
________________________

The Motorcycle Cop I Met The Other Day

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked-geek.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires! So I called him a horse's behind.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first... then started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care, my car was parked around the corner.

 

[nChrist]

IT'S OK, COME ON HOME!

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer in charge looked at the photograph she handed him, questioned her, and then asked if she wished to give her husband any message if they found him.

"Yes," she replied readily. 'Tell him Mother didn't come after all."

 

[Shammu]

True story;

While in elem. school. My teacher told us we were going to have a test this day, (suprise test) she told us it would be 75% of our grade.
She handed out papers to all of us, and told us it is also a timed test. Everyone of us groaned.  We could see parts of the test. She went to the black board, Pull up the map covering the test.

Erased in the middle she had written..........................


April fools........

She got each of us that day.

[Shammu]

Air Conditioning

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn't they just throw out the pest.

"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

[Shammu]

Coke Please

I've always ordered beverages one simple way: "A Coke, please."
Lately, though, this hasn't seemed to work. Waitresses now often respond, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Mr. Pibb."

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, I thought I'd make life easier. So one day I simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "dark, carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter chuckled and asked, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[Shammu]

Dead Mouse in The Hot Chile

A guy sits down in a Cafe' and asks for the hot chile.
The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full.
He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[Shammu]

Thermos

A cop walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right.......give me two black, three cream and sugar."

[nChrist]

     

_______________________

A cop stopped a drunk at about dawn.

The cop asked, "Can you explain why you're out at this hour?"

"If I could," the drunk said, "I'd be home by now!"

[nChrist]

K-9 Unit

A blonde returned home from work and was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She called the police immediately to report the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out onto the porch. The sight of the cop and his dog made her shudder. She put her face in her hands as she sat down on the steps and began moaning.

"What's the moaning all about, ma'am?" asked the officer.

The blonde replied, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen, so I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a blind policeman!"

[nChrist]

Pullover!!!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.

Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"

"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

[michael_legna]

Dead Mouse in The Hot Chile

Since you told that one I guess I can tell this one.

A wino comes into a bar bothering everyone for a drink and finally the bartender is tired of it and to get rid of the guy says he can have a free drink if he drinks what is in the spitoon.

Discussed but thisty the wino picks up the spitoon and begins to chug.  Glug, Glug Glug, he goes and the bar tender seeing it is going badly, disturbing the customers more than the wino, decides to call a halt to it.  

Ok you proved your point you can have a free drink. he says.

Still on and on the wino goes Glug Glug Glug and soon customers are leaving it is so disgusting.

Please the bartender moans stop.  You can have free frinks the rest of the night - just stop.

Still on and on the wino goes Glug Glug Glug and soon it is just the barkeep and the wino left everyone else having long fled the scene.

Finally the wino stops and sets the spitoon down and wipes his lips.

Why didn't you stop when I told you you could the bartender asks.  

I couldn't the winos says -

It was all in one string.

[nChrist]

   YUK!!!
_____________________

New Recruit

Police Chief: As a recruit, you'll be faced with some difficult issues. What would you do if you had to arrest your mother?

New Recruit: Call for backup!

[nChrist]

Nobody Listens Anymore

The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."

"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen."  (Groaner)  

[nChrist]

Sherlock Holmes and The Camping Trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent." (Groaner)