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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
277691 Posts in 26446 Topics by 3790 Members
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2003, 07:17:55 AM »

I think you need to rename this thread...I'm in tears over here!!!  Grin  Grin  Grin

 Grin
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« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2003, 07:47:09 AM »

A minister decided to relax one weekday by playing a few holes of golf. When he was about to tee off, another golfer approached and offered to make it a twosome. The minister agreed.

"How about we make it interesting?" the newcomer asked..."say, $5.00 a hole?"

"Why not?" the minister said, a little guiltily.
The other fellow won easily, and the minister paid up. While dressing in the locker room, the winner looked on, aghast, as the minister donned his collar.

"Sir, I'm sorry! I would never have challenged you to bet if I'd known you were clergy! I'm the club pro here, I haven't lost a round in years!"
"Never mind, Son," sighed the preacher..."I shouldn't have made a wager, it's sinful...and to show you there are no hard feelings, the next time you're downtown, bring your parents by my church and I'll marry them, free of charge!"  Grin
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« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2003, 07:49:42 AM »

Don't argue with children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

Without missing a beat the child said, "Then you ask him".  Grin
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« Reply #18 on: April 19, 2003, 07:52:55 AM »

The church picnic was always such a hit and one reason was Mrs. D's Baked Beans. So as per usual the person in charge asked Mrs. D to do them again. Mrs. D. agree'd and baked them up that week.

The Beans were finished so Mrs. D put them on top of the stove to cool. Without Mrs. D knowing Billy got up over the stove to get a cookie and while up there his BB's fell into the Baked Beans. He didn't know what to do because the beans were hot so he just left them there.

The church picnic was a fabulous hit and everyone raved about those beans. Many of the ladies asked for her famous recipe and got it to cook these for their families.

About a week went bye and one of the ladies caught Mrs. D in the market. " Oh, Mrs. D, I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your baked beans at the church picnic. They were the most wonderful beans I have ever had." She went on, " The only thing I can't understand and it has me very sad is that I bent down to feed my kitty and shot my Canary."  Grin
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« Reply #19 on: April 19, 2003, 07:56:25 AM »

Fantastic Brown hated his name. Ever since a little boy, he cringed at the sound of it. His parents loved the little boy dearly, and had given him a name to reflect their love for him.

Many years later, Fantastic at last on his death bed, his loving wife asked him any last request. "Don't put 'Fantastic' on my tombstone!", bellowed Fantastic, "Just put 'Brown'." "Okay, dear", said the adoring wife.

Well, the funeral came and went, and there over Fantastic's grave, engraved on the tombstone was, "My dear husband, Brown, who never looked at another woman."

And ever since that day, when people walk by and read that tombstone, they point and say, "That's Fantastic!"  Grin Grin
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« Reply #20 on: April 19, 2003, 07:59:02 AM »

A Sea Captain of many years, pridefully steared his vessel across the large body of water. It started to get a little foggy and as he concentrated on his point of direction he suddenly noticed a bright light heading straight for his ship. He signaled to tell them to turn 10 degrees West. They quickly flashed back, "You must turn 10 degrees East."

The Captain bristled as he returned the message, "No. I am a Captain. You must turn 10 degrees West or we will hit head on!" Within seconds, the light ahead flashed a message, "No, sir. You will have to steer 10 degrees East."

Now, the veteran Sea Captain was infuriated and flashed a furious message that read, "You must turn now as we are about to crash head on AND I AN A 44,000 FREIGHTER!!!

The light replied, "I am a lighthouse."  Grin
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« Reply #21 on: April 19, 2003, 08:01:33 AM »

A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and finally asked a pilot how much a ride cost.

"Ten dollars for three minutes," the pilot said. "But I'll make you a deal. If you and your wife can ride without making a sound, it will cost you nothing, but if you say one word, you have to pay ten dollars."

"Agreed," said the farmer.

They went for the ride and after the pilot landed, he said, "I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a very brave man."
"Maybe so," said the farmer, "but I almost yelled when my wife fell out."  Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #22 on: April 19, 2003, 08:09:50 AM »

How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?

Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None. Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either favor of or against the need for a light bulb.
However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine.
You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What's a light bulb?

 Grin Grin Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #23 on: April 19, 2003, 08:13:16 AM »

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, he shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, 'Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few moments later with a beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet took the dog out, but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back, shook its head, meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but like I said, your parrot is most definitely 100% certifiably dead."

He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it the bill would only have been $20, but what with the Lab report and the cat scan .  Grin
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« Reply #24 on: April 19, 2003, 09:14:04 AM »

And once again the low self-esteem therapy group meets here at the Salvation Army Hall next Tuesday at 3.00 P.M. Remember that we prefer if you would use the back entrance.
 Grin Grin
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« Reply #25 on: April 19, 2003, 09:18:58 AM »

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have major cosmetic surgery: a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures, since she's got another 30 or 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."  Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #26 on: April 19, 2003, 12:17:15 PM »

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."  Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #27 on: April 19, 2003, 03:45:12 PM »

A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying,

"Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up." After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" "No, ma'am," he says, "but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."  Grin Grin
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« Reply #28 on: April 19, 2003, 03:48:46 PM »

Relatives gathered in the waiting room of a hospital as their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope."

"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile,avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man,unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group. "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."  Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #29 on: April 19, 2003, 06:13:43 PM »

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I
want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the
enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard
for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time
and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,
instead of the bridge, I wish that I could understand my wife! I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"  Grin

 more BULL  Roll Eyes
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