Laughter - Good Medicine - New

[nChrist]

 
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Cats

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

[nChrist]

Aging

~ Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

~ There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.

~ You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

~ Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun is a lot more work.

~ Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?

~ You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

~ Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

~ By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

~ Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

~ A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

~ You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

~ The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

~ You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.

~ You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

~ The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

~ Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

~ It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

~ You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.

~ Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.

~ When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.

~ You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

[HisDaughter]

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Cats

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."

"One cat just leads to another."

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

"Cats aren't clean, they're covered with cat spit."

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this."

[HisDaughter]

A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man's leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog's head.

Having watched what happened, a bystander said, "Why are you patting him? That dog just peed on your leg!"

"I know," said the blind man, "but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt."
 

[nChrist]

Cub Reporter

Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches. At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience.

Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."

[HisDaughter]

Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.

[nChrist]

____________________________


Laws Of Life

* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

[David_james]

Another strange thing is: if something hot is left too long, it becomes cold. However, if you have something cold, it becomes room temperature.

[HisDaughter]

Another strange thing is: if something hot is left too long, it becomes cold. However, if you have something cold, it becomes room temperature.

Good one David!

[HisDaughter]

How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

 

[nChrist]

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

Could you please tell this one to my wife?   

[HisDaughter]

One day President Obama fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

Obama thanked them and said he'd give them all one thing in the whole world.

The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and viola... that summer he was in Disney Land.

The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Shocks and sure enough the next day he was wearing a pair of Nike's.

The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.

Obama, looking puzzled at the boy, asked why he wanted a tricked out wheel chair because he didn't look disabled.

The young boy replied, "I will be after my father finds out that I saved you".

 

[nChrist]

   Thanks HisDaughter - I needed that laugh to start the day with.
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10 Most Wanted

Little Sammy's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station. There they saw pictures tacked to a big bulletin board. The label clearly read, "The 10 Most Wanted."

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman, "the detectives want him very badly."

So Little Sammy asked, while tugging on the man's belt, "Um, mister, why didn't you keep them when you took their pictures?"

[HisDaughter]

A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope.

A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for.

The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture."

[nChrist]

A Blonde woman was standing near a train platform in New York with a pair of handcuffs and some rope.

A gentleman being curious asked the blonde what the handcuffs and rope were for.

The blonde responded by saying, "The news reported a runaway train heading to New York and I want the reward for the capture."