Jest for laughs

[sincereheart]

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Kenny says, "I'm going to raffle him off."

Farmer, " You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."

Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Not to long after this incident happened, Kenny gave up farming, returned to the city and eventually became Martha Stewart's financial advisor...

[sincereheart]

The Southern Survivor Series.....

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own show entitled "Survivor: Southern Style,"

Participants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.

Each contestants will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
-- Go Yankees!
-- Hillary In 2004
-- I'm A Vegetarian
-- NASCAR Sucks
-- Deer Hunting Is Murder
-- I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

[Shammu]

The Southern Survivor Series.....

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own show entitled "Survivor: Southern Style,"

Participants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.

Each contestants will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
-- Go Yankees!
-- Hillary In 2004
-- I'm A Vegetarian
-- NASCAR Sucks
-- Deer Hunting Is Murder
-- I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.

ROFL!

[nChrist]

       Sincereheart, there will be no survivors.

[sincereheart]

[sincereheart]

*Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

*A backward poet writes inverse.

*A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

*Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

*Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

*A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

*Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

*Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

*When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

*A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

*What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
 
*Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

*In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

*She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

*A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

*If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

*With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

*When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

*The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

*You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

*Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

*He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

*Every calendar's days are numbered.

*A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
 
*A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

*He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

*A plateau is a high form of flattery.

*A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

*Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

*Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
 
*Acupuncture is a jab well done.

*"If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got."

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Sincereheart,

Sister, I know this area is just for women, but let me sneak in here and say thanks for the laughs. I needed that.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Willowbirch]

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement.  He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said.  "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.  They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard.  Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts off vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse.  Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."  

[sincereheart]

Ok, the real reason we homeschool.....

[Willowbirch]

1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't
hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run
to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the
right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.

[Willowbirch]

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" saysone perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northernerscram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

 Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

 

And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.

[sincereheart]

Posted by: Willowbirch  Posted on: July 07, 2004, 09:00:08 PM  
Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station, the three Northerners each buy a ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy just one ticket.

How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Yankees. "Watch and learn," answers one of the men from the South.

They all board the train. The three Yankee men take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a toilet together and close the door.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The Yankees see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip, but see, to their astonishment, that the three Southerners don't buy any ticket at all.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" saysone perplexed Yankee. "Watch and learn," answer the men from the South.

When they board the train the three Northernerscram themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners cram into another toilet just down the way.

Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the Southerners leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the Yankees are hiding.

The Southerner knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."



And I'm still trying to figure out how the South lost that war.

  ROFL!  

[Willowbirch]

Hi Family & Friends,
I just got the following letter from a friend.  I read
it with interest and understand the authors'
viewpoint.  Ken

Dear Sir:

I am a senior citizen. During the Clinton
Administration I had an extremely good and well paying
job. I took numerous vacations and had
vacations homes.

Since President Bush took office, I have watched my
entire life change for the worse.

I lost my job.

I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my home.

I lost my health insurance.

As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and
became homeless.

Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me
living like an animal, instead of helping me, they
arrested me.

I will do anything to insure President Bush's defeat
in the next election.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to insure
that a Democrat is back in the White House come next
year. Bush has to go.

I just thought you and your listeners would like to
know how one senior citizen views the Bush
Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.



Sincerely,


Sadaam Hussein

[Willowbirch]

For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity.



1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.



2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....



3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.



4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?



6. I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.



7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?



8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?



9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is this considered a hostage situation?



10. Is there another word for synonym?



11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"



12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?



13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?



14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?



15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?



16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?



17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?



18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?



19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?



20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?



21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?



22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.



23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?



24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?



25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?



26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?



27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?



28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?



29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?



30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?



31. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

[Shylynne]

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."