Jest for laughs

[Brother Love]

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't, " said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

 

LOL, You get "TWO"Thumbs UP


<))><

[Shylynne]

now what  

[nChrist]

A few short jokes.........

"Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should be limited?"  "Absolutely NOT!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as long as everyone else!"

"I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire for some Cracker Jacks ..."

The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ...

(Groaner)

[nChrist]

Another sad hunting story...........

Two aggies decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning, and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end they headed home without a single duck! The first aggie said "Do you think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!"
_______________________________

Yet another sad hunting story................

Three aggies were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and were about ready to shoot anything. One aggie forced his way through some bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second aggie nudged him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are bear tracks!" So, the third aggie shoved his way in, put his head down real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train.

 

[nChrist]

Another sad hunting story:

There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other went another way. As it turned out, one of the morons shot the other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first."
________________________________________

UM??

A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeingeye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?"
And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!"

 

[Shammu]

GROAN!!

[Brother Love]

GROAN!!

DITTO!!!!!

[nChrist]

     Brothers, I thought they were funny, but I'll look for better material. My wife promised me she would save the jokes that teachers email back and forth. HOWEVER, some of those poor teachers aren't quite right after dealing with 30 kids every day for 25 years.    

[sincereheart]

So am I the only one that laughed??  

 

THROW THE DOG HIGHER!

[Brother Love]

So am I the only one that laughed??  

 

THROW THE DOG HIGHER!

UM??


A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeingeye dog and, for no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?"
And the blind man replies, "No thanks, just looking!"




GROAN!!

[Willowbirch]

"Car Names Explained"
(My car is in here so don't be offended if yours is too!)

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology

DODGE - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
Dem Old Dudes Go Everywhere
Dead or Dying Gas Eater
Dear Old Dad's Geriatric Express

FIAT - Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD - First On Recall Day
First On Race Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Found On Russian Dump

GM - General Maintenance
Great Mistake

GMC - Garage Man's Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA - Had One Never Did Again

HYUNDAI - Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA - Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE - Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late Everywhere,
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment

PINTO - Put in new transmission often

PONTIAC - poor old Neanderthal thinks it's a Cadillac

SAAB - Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA - Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO - Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
Vehicles Of Low Velocity Owners

VW - Virtually Worthless

[sincereheart]

They worry about hanky-panky at the voting booths---

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?"

When another person jumped in and explained that the sun rises in the east (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

But she's going to vote.


I used to work in technical support for a 24x7 call center. One day I

got a call from an In-duh-vidual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."

He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said,"Uh. Pacific."

But he's going to vote.
 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria when weoverheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

But she's going to vote.


I was in a high school advanced physics class and the teacher wastalking about a new military weapon that uses sonic waves on thebattlefield to burst enemy soldiers' chests.

One In-duh-vidual in the class spoke up and said, "Well that's stupid! Why don't they just wear headphones?"

And a few years later, he's going to vote.

[sincereheart]

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the passenger side door's map pocket.

But she's going to vote.

My friends and I were on a soda run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought two cases. The cashier multiplied two times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

But she's going to vote.

I was hanging out with a friend of mine when we saw a woman walk by us with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?"

I had to explain to her that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

But she's going to vote.


My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which one of two sandwiches was better. The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive. My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"

To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think they tax the turkey."

But he's going to vote.

[sincereheart]

I was at a convenience store buying a 99-cent "Behemoth Gulp" or some such thing. The cost with tax was $1.02. I only had a $5 bill. The clerk asked if I had two pennies. I said I didn't.

She said, "We'll take a couple from here," and got two pennies out of her penny cup at the register. She handed me back my change: $4 in bills.and the two pennies.

But she's going to vote.


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

But she's going to vote.

[Shylynne]

"I don't think they tax the turkey."  ROFL