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March 28, 2024, 08:04:49 PM

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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
286776 Posts in 27568 Topics by 3790 Members
Latest Member: Goodwin
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33556  Welcome / Questions, help, suggestions, and bug reports / Re:Sneaking on up on: June 16, 2004, 12:34:47 AM
You and I would never, stoop so low, would we?

If you two stooped any lower, you'd be crawling!  Tongue

I prefer to think of it as locomotively challenged...

Choo choo! Tongue
Oh lookie sincereheart, I found your train. Grin


Awwww thanks....... but you should keep it. Really!  You and Allinall - since you're locomotively (and just plain loco) challenged!  Grin
No its your train, so I insist you keep it.  Grin

Thank you! I'll cherish it and think of you two loco challenges!  Grin
Here is Allinall and my train.
33557  Welcome / Questions, help, suggestions, and bug reports / Re:The All-Out Allinall Thread Boosting Post on: June 16, 2004, 12:31:35 AM
33558  Welcome / Questions, help, suggestions, and bug reports / Re:Chasing Allinall Thread.... on: June 16, 2004, 12:29:00 AM
A shovel just for you since you can dig it!

Awwwwww, thanks sincereheart, I use it to bury the new world order. Grin

I'm not sure it's big enough to bury something of that magnitude!  Wink But you're more than welcome! Enjoy!  Grin
Hee hee hee, ok I'll try. Grin
33559  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:The Southern Survivor Series on: June 15, 2004, 02:14:15 AM
The Southern Survivor Series.....

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together and are planning to do their own show entitled "Survivor: Southern Style,"

Participants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana, finally ending up back over in Alabama.

Each contestants will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey
license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
-- Go Yankees!
-- Hillary In 2004
-- I'm A Vegetarian
-- NASCAR Sucks
-- Deer Hunting Is Murder
-- I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns!

The first one that makes it back to Montgomery alive, wins.
ROFL! Grin
33560  Fellowship / Just For Women / Re:WOMANHOOD on: June 15, 2004, 02:13:51 AM
Thats rich, Forrest.

Runs as fast as I can outta this thread
33561  Fellowship / You name it!! / Re:Let`s go fishing! on: June 15, 2004, 02:10:57 AM
A fishing I will go tomorrow......... hee hee hee.  Grin
33562  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Dust and Whirling Peas on: June 15, 2004, 02:10:17 AM
Visualize ...you are dust...

now...imagine...whirling peas   Tongue



Forecast:  Whirling peas warning, Dust storm inevitable. You will be scattered.

Perhaps you will be scatterbrained and they being self proclaimed peabrains will make for another fine mess Stanley.
 Wink Roll Eyes
ROFL!!!!!!!!
33563  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 02:06:36 AM
The male version of.....

Don't hit the Ducks

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival  they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule:

Don't hit the ducks.

 The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

 "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all squawkin to beat the band, and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

 After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere.
 Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them. The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

 St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?"

 The one who had done it admitted "I did."

 Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said.

 "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

 The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand.

 "I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

 The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

 The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a sigh and said "What have I done to deserve this?"

 The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."
33564  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 02:03:56 AM
Golden Phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.

The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Kalispell MT. Upon entering a church in this Northern area of MT, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read "Calls: 25 cents."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling, replied,
 "Son, you're in Montana now. This is God's country... and it's a local call."
33565  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 02:01:56 AM
Do you know?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline
"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on the "Start" button?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called  a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? (What a silly question!)

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
33566  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 01:59:51 AM
Only in America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of our skating rinks.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a Diet Coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'  and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.  Grin
33567  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 01:57:50 AM
Three Gifts

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
 
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:

"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"

"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious!"
33568  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 01:55:46 AM
"Hallelujah!"

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say,
 "Hallelujah!"

 The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"

 The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

 "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

 "This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase.

 The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

 "Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

 "Oh, no...

 'Bible...Church!...Please Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge.

 Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord.

 Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

 The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

 "HALLELUJAH!", shouted the man.

33569  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 01:53:55 AM
" Entering  Heaven "

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Jack Thomas Jr., taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Then it's the minister's turn. He stands up tall and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's Church, for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of  Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man before me was a taxi-driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why, How can this be?"

Saint Peter, looks to the preacher and says,

"Up here, we work by results,"

"While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed."
33570  Entertainment / Laughter (Good Medicine) / Re:Laughter - Good Medicine on: June 15, 2004, 01:51:17 AM
Ya Got To Luv Um

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper"

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me"
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