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Our Lord Jesus Christ loves you.
277668 Posts in 26442 Topics by 3790 Members
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Author Topic: BULL  (Read 45166 times)
The Crusader
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« Reply #495 on: January 23, 2004, 06:07:15 AM »

What is Globalization?




QUESTION: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

ANSWER: Princess Diana's death  

QUESTION: How come?

ANSWER: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

 with a Dutch engine,  

driven by a Belgian who was drunk  

on Scottish whiskey,  

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,  

on Japanese motorcycles,  

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you from an American,  

using Bill Gates' technology,  

and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,

that use Taiwanese-made chips,

and a Korean-made monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,  

transported by lorries driven by Indians,  

hijacked by Indonesians,  

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

trucked by Mexican illegals,

and finally sold to you.  

That, my friend is Globalization
 Grin

That is true Globalization Smiley

Your friend and brother

The Crusader
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Warrior For Christ
Guest
« Reply #496 on: April 10, 2004, 01:51:49 PM »

As income tax time approaches,
did you ever notice:
When you put the two words
"The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?  Grin

5 more days Smiley
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Brother Love
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« Reply #497 on: April 26, 2004, 06:22:46 AM »

 THE SCIENCE OF ICE FISHING
*
Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential
election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican    
presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential      
candidate had enough votes to win the election.
*
Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing
contest between the two candidates to determine the final      
winner.
*
There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges,
etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the      
(manly) way to settle things.
*
The candidate who catches the most fish at the end of the week
wins. After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided      
that the contest would take place on a remotest and coldest
lake in Wisconsin.
*
There were to be no observers present and both men were    
to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily      
with their catch for counting and verification.
*
At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the headquarters    
and he has 10 fish. Soon, Kerry, who has answers to everything, but no
plan,  returns and has zero fish.
*
Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair    
day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next    
day. At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20      
fish and Kerry comes in again with none.
*
That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Kerry and
says, "I think George W. is a lowlife cheatin' son-of-a-gun.
*
I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing.
Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way.
*
The next night (after George W.comes back with 50 fish), Clinton
says to Kerry, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"
*
*
*
*
*
*
"He sure is, John, he's cutting holes in the ice!"
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THINGS THAT DIFFER By C.R. Stam
Read it on line for "FREE"

http://www.geocities.com/protestantscot/ttd/ttd_chap1.html

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Warrior For Christ
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« Reply #498 on: April 27, 2004, 12:56:50 PM »

Country Wisdom

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court  building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.
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Forrest
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« Reply #499 on: May 26, 2004, 01:54:15 PM »

> >God and Adam
> > >
> > >
> > >       God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
> > >
> > >       God said, "Go down into that valley."
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "What's a valley?"
> > >
> > >       God explained it to him.
> > >
> > >       Then God said, "Cross the river."
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "What's a river?"
> > >
> > >       God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the
> >hill......"
> >
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "What is a hill?"
> > >
> > >       So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
> > >
> > >       He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a
cave"
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "What's a cave?"
> > >
> > >       After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a
Woman."
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "What's a woman?"
> > >
> > >       So God explained that to him, too.
> > >
> > >       Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
> > >
> > >       Adam said, "How do I do that?"
> > >
> > >       God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
> > >
> > >       And then, just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam,
> >as
> >well.
> > >
> > >       So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river,
> > >       and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
> > >
> > >       Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
> > >
> > >       God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
> > >
> > >       And Adam said,
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > >
> > >
> > >       "What's a headache"?
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Your Brother In Christ
          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
Forrest
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« Reply #500 on: May 26, 2004, 01:56:21 PM »

Semper Fidelis!

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he
is
> carrying a baby pig under each arm.
>
> The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes and says:  "Nice pigs, sir".
>
> The President replies:  "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan
> Razorback hogs.  I got one for vice-president Cheney and I got one for
> defense secretary Rumsfeld".
>
> The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes and says:  "Nice trade, sir".
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Your Brother In Christ
          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #501 on: June 18, 2004, 07:30:08 PM »

SIPPING VODKA


 This is too funny - I still have tears in my eyes!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

 

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

 

The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

 

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

 

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

 

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1)   Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the  sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body."  He did not say, " Eat me."

12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at ST. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The Origination of this letter is unknown.
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Your Brother In Christ
          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #502 on: June 18, 2004, 07:43:46 PM »

 A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"
 she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for
 the rest of my life?"
 "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
 There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm
 wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked
'NO REFILLS'."
 -----------------------------------------
 Geriatric humor

 An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery
 and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As
 he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad,
 what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it
 doesn't go well, if something happens to me ... your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
 -----------------------------------------
 Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.
 ------------------------------------------
 The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for
 ------------------------------------------
 Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to
 know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads
weren't paved.
 --------------------------------------------
 How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
 ----------------------------------------------
 When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
 think of Algebra.
 ---------------------------------------------
 You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
 ----------------------------------------------
 I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top
 ----------------------------------------------
 One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice
change from being young.
   ----------------------------------------------
 Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
   -----------------------------------------------
 Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they
don't recognize you.
 ----------------------------------------------
 If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when you are old.
 --------------------------------------
 First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull
 up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
 -------------------------------------------
 Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft.. Today, it's called golf
 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A WELL PLANNED LIFE?Huh
 Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked
the other, "You were always so organized in school,
 Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
 " Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was
 to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to
a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked,
 "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the
money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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Your Brother In Christ
          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
JudgeNot
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« Reply #503 on: June 18, 2004, 10:57:28 PM »

Quote
SIPPING VODKA

Lord Jesus - forgive me for laughing so hard.  I promise you, Jesus, it is the 'Adam' in me; not The Spirit.

 Grin
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Covering your tracks is futile; God knows where you're going and where you've been.
JPD
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« Reply #504 on: June 27, 2004, 06:56:27 PM »

Yep, I recognize every one of these! !!   lol
 
I LOVE being Southern!
_____
Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption
fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
_____
Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas,
beans, etc., make up "a mess."
_____
Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of
"yonder."
_____
Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in: "Going to
town, be back directly."
_____
Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the
white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the
middle of the table.
_____
All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might! not use the
term, but they know the concept well.
_____
Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a
neighbor who's got trouble ! is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big
bowl of
cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also
know to add a large banana puddin!
_____
Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a
right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or
20.
_____
Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a
redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
_____
No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn
signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____
A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an
adverb.
_____
Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines. ! We don't do
"queues," we do "lines"; and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
_____
Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're
related, even if only by marriage.
_____
Southerner! s know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____
Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are
perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that
fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____
Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates
the need for sugar and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened.
"Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
_____
And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old
ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and
go your own way.
_____
To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take
two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning.
Bless your heart!
_____
And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long
time, ya'll need a sign to hang on ya'lls front porch that reads! "I aint
from the South but I got here as fast as I could."
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Your Brother In Christ
          Forrest              
ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
nChrist
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« Reply #505 on: June 28, 2004, 04:17:01 PM »

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

 Grin   Grin   Grin  Brother, I'm a Southerner. Thanks for those laughs - I needed them.

Love In Christ,
Tom
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« Reply #506 on: June 30, 2004, 04:30:00 AM »

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************
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THINGS THAT DIFFER By C.R. Stam
Read it on line for "FREE"

http://www.geocities.com/protestantscot/ttd/ttd_chap1.html

<Smiley))><
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« Reply #507 on: October 05, 2004, 05:51:32 AM »

Enjoyed SIPPING VODKA thanks forrest Smiley
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THINGS THAT DIFFER By C.R. Stam
Read it on line for "FREE"

http://www.geocities.com/protestantscot/ttd/ttd_chap1.html

<Smiley))><
Shylynne
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« Reply #508 on: October 29, 2004, 07:54:09 AM »

Country Wisdom

The Ten Commandments display was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court  building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post Thou Shalt Not Steal, Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery and Thou Shall Not Lie in a building full of lawyers and Politicians without creating a hostile work environment.


Thank God for country boys!  Grin
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“Christianity isn't all that complicated … it's Jesus.”   — Joni Eareckson Tada

There is no force on earth as powerful as one human soul set ablaze with the Spirit of God -  Shylynne
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« Reply #509 on: November 04, 2004, 10:04:40 AM »

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a name. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a worse name. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care.

My car was parked around the corner and this one had an "Elect John Kerry" bumper sticker on it.

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at our age.
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