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Forrest
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« Reply #480 on: December 10, 2003, 01:49:02 AM »

> > > Subject: TOP IDIOTS OF 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in
toxicology
> > > at
> > > >the
> > > > > > >poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset
> > > because
> > > > > > >she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly
reassured
> > > her
> > > >that
> > > > > > >the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring
> > > her
> > > > > > >daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of
> > > the
> > > > > > >conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter
> > > some ant
> > > > > > >poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she
> > > better
> > > > > > >bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away. Here's
> > > your
> > > >sign,
> > > > > > >lady. Wear it with pride.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Number Two Idiot of 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield
decided
> > > to
> > > >steal
> > > > > > >a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
> > > getting it
> > > >out
> > > > > > >of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float
> > > on the
> > > > > > >river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards
> > > them. It
> > > > > > >turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency
> > > locator
> > > > > > >beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no
> > > longer
> > > > > > >employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet;
> > > the
> > > >paint
> > > > > > >might run.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Number Three Idiot of 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
> > > the
> > > >Branch
> > > > > > >and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
> > > While
> > > > > > >standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
> > > began to
> > > > > > >worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
> > > the
> > > >police
> > > > > > >before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of
> > > America
> > > > > > >and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After
waiting a
> > > few
> > > > > > >minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller.
> > > She
> > > >read
> > > > > > >it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the
> > > >brightest
> > > > > > >light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his
> > > stickup
> > > >note
> > > > > > >because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and
> > > that he
> > > > > > >would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or
go
> > > back
> > > >to
> > > > > > >Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said,
"OK"
> > > and
> > > >left.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in
line
> > > back
> > > >at
> > > > > > >Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He
> > > probably
> > > > > > >couldn't read it anyway.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Number Four Idiot of 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
> > > that
> > > > > > >measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He
> > > later
> > > > > > >received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
> > > Instead
> > > >of
> > > > > > >payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
> > > Several
> > > >days
> > > > > > >later, he received a letter from the police that contained
> > > another
> > > > > > >picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his
> > > $40.
> > > > > > >Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth
> > > thinking
> > > > > > >about)!
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Number Five Idiot of 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and
> > > demanded
> > > >all
> > > > > > >of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the
> > > cash in a
> > > > > > >bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind
> > > the
> > > >counter
> > > > > > >on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well,
> > > but
> > > >the
> > > > > > >cashier refused and said,"Because I don't believe you are
over
> > > >21."The
> > > > > > >robber said he was, but the clerkstill refused to give it to
> > > him
> > > >because
> > > > > > >he didn't believe him. At this point,the robber took his
> > > driver's
> > > > > > >license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk
> > > looked
> > > >it
> > > > > > >over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the
> > >
> > > >Scotch
> > > > > > >in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
> > > The
> > > > > > >cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and
> > > address of
> > > >the
> > > > > > >robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber
> > > two
> > > >hours
> > > > > > >later. This guy definitely needs a sign.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Idiot Number Six of 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously
> > > waving
> > > > > > >revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his
> > > partner
> > > > > > >moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't
> > > need a
> > > >sign;
> > > > > > >he probably figured it out himself.
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Idiot Number Seven of 2003
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He
> > > decided
> > > >that
> > > > > > >he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
> > > grab
> > > >some
> > > > > > >booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
> > > over his
> > > > > > >head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the
> > > >would-be
> > > > > > >thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the
> > > liquor
> > > >store
> > > > > > >window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on
> > > >videotape.
> > > > > > >Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!
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« Reply #481 on: December 10, 2003, 02:58:11 AM »

GRAINS OF SALT






1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think; they don't do it very often.



3. Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car..

4. It isn't the jeans that make your butt look fat.



5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.



7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.






9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.



10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.




11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.



13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway. (Just remember how lucky you were to get a free trip around the sun.)

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.



15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.



17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.



19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.


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ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #482 on: December 10, 2003, 10:55:56 AM »

Last week while travelling I stopped at a Zany Brainy store and saw that they had a blimp for sale. It's called Airship Earth, and it's a great big balloon with a map of the Earth on it, and two propellors hanging from the bottom. You blow up the balloon with helium put batteries in it, and you have a radio controll indoor blimp.
 
I'd seen these things for sale in Sharper Image catalogs for $60-$75. At Zany Brainy it was on clearance for $15. What a deal!
 
Last night my wife was playing tennis and it was just my daughter and I at home. I bought a small helium tank from a party store, and last night we put the blimp together.
 
Let me tell you, it's quite a blimp. It's huge. The balloon has like a 3 ft diameter.
 
We blew it up with the tank attacched the gondola with the propellors, and put in batteries.
 
Then we balanced the blimp for neutral bouyancy with this putty that came with it, so it hangs in the air by itself neither rising nor falling.
 
It was easy and fun, and then I blew up another balloon and made Mickey Mouse helium voices for my daughter.
 
My three year old girl loved it. We flew the blimp all over the house, terrorized the dog, attacked the fish tank, and the controls were so easy my daughter could fly.
 
Let's face it, blimps are fun.
 
Alas, the fun had to end and my daughter had to go to sleep. I left the blimp floating in my office downstairs, my wife came home, and we went to bed, and slept the sleep of the righteous.
 
At this point it is important to know that my house has central heating. I have it configured to blow hot air out on the ground floor and take it in at the second floor to take advantage of the fact that heat rises.
 
The blimp which was up until this moment a fun toy here embarked on a career of evil. Using the artificial convection of my central heating, the blimp stealthily departed my office. It moved silently through the living and drifted to the staircase. Gliding wraithlike over the staircase it then entered the bedroom where my wife and I lay sleeping peacefully.
 
Running silently, and gliding six feet or so above the ground on invisible and tiny air currects it approached the bed.
 
In spite of it's noiseless passage, or perhaps because of it, I awoke. That doesn't really say it properly. Let me try again.
 
I awoke, the way you awake at 2:00 AM when your sleeping senses suddenly tell you without reason that the forces of evil on converging on you.
 
That still doesn't do it. Let me try one more time.
 
I awoke the way you awake when you suddenly know that there is a large levitating sinister presence hovering towards you with menacing intent through the maligant darkness.
 
Now sometimes I do wake up in the middle of the night thinking that there are large sinister and menacing things floating out of the darkness to do me and mine evil. Usually I open my eyes, look and listen carefully, decide it was a false alarm, and go back to sleep.
 
So, the fact that I awoke in such a manner was not all that unusual.
 
On this occasion I awoke to the sense that there was a large menacing presence approaching me silently out of the gloom, so I opened my eyes, and there it was! A LARGE SILENT MENACING PRESENCE WAS APPROACHING ME OUT OF THE GLOOM, AND IT COULD FLY!!!
 
Somewhere in the control room of my mind a fat little dwarf in a security outfit was paging through a Penthouse while smoking a cigar with his feet up on the table, watching the security monitors of my brain with his peripheral vision. Suddenly he saw the LARGE SILENT SINSITER MENACING FLOATING PRESENCE coming at me, and he pulled every panic switch and hit every alarm that my body has. A full decade's allotment of adrenaline was dumped into my bloodstream all at once. My metabolism went from "restful sleep mode" to FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE OR DIE!!!! mode" in a nanosecond. My heart went from twenty something beats per minute to about 240 even faster.
 
I always knew this was going to happen. I always knew that skepticism and science were mere psychological decorations and vanities. Deep in our alligator brains we all know that the world is just chock full of evil and monsters and sinister forces aligned against us, and it is only a matter of time until they show up. Evolution know this, too. It knows what to do when the silent terror comes at you from out of the dark.
 
When 50 million years worth of evolutionary survival instinct hits you all at once flat in the gut at 200 mph it is not a pleasant sensation.
 
Without volition I screamed my battle cry (which is indistinguishable to the sound a little girl makes when you drop a spider down her dress (not that I'd know what that sounds like,) and lept out of bed in my underwear.
 
I struck the approaching menace with all my strength and almost fell over at the total lack of resistance that a helium balloon offers when you punch the living gotcha2 out of it with all the stength that sudden middle of the night terror produces.
 
It's trajectory took it straight into the ceiling fan which whipped it about the room at terrifying velocity.
 
Seeking a weapon, I ripped the alarm clock out of its plug and hurled it at the now High Velocity Menacing presence (breaking the clock and putting a nice hole in the wall.)
 
Somehow at this moment I suddenly realized that I was fighting the blimp, and not a monster. It might have been funny if I didn't truly and actually feel like I was having a legitimate heart-attack.
 
On quivering legs I went to the bathroom and literally gagged into the toilet while shaking uncontrollably with the shock of the reaction I'd had.
 
Unbeleivably, both my wife and daughter had completely slept through the incident. When I decided that I wasn't having a heart attack after all I went back into the bedroom and found the blimp which had somehow survived the incident.
 
I took it to the walk in closet and released it inside where it floated around with the air currents released from the vents in there. I closed the door, this sealing it in, and went back to bed. About 500 years later I fell asleep.
 
 
***
 
At about 7 am my wife awoke. She had been playing tennis and wasn't aware that we have assembled the blimp the previous evening, and that is was now floating around the the walk-in closet that she approached.
 
The dyndamic between the existing air currents of the closet and the suction caused by opening the door was just enough to give the blimp the appearance of an Evil Sinister Menace flying straight towards her.
 
This time the blimp did not survive the encounter, nor almost, did I, as I had to explain to my very angry spouse what motivated me to hide an evil lurking presence in the closet for her to find at 7 am.
 
I can order replacement balloons on the internet but I don't think I will.
 
Some blimps are better off dead.
 
« Last Edit: December 10, 2003, 02:59:20 PM by blackeyedpeas » Logged

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« Reply #483 on: December 10, 2003, 04:31:43 PM »

Going to a church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car..

 I have said this one for atleast 20 years Grin
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« Reply #484 on: December 11, 2003, 03:10:16 PM »

 A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd  like some Polish sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am.  But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

"Well, I probably wouldn't."

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot Grin Grin Grin
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« Reply #485 on: December 13, 2003, 04:07:45 AM »

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Polish sausage -  Grin  LOL - Where do you get all of the good jokes? I still get quite a few by email, but most of them are old.

In Christ,
Tom
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« Reply #486 on: December 13, 2003, 10:12:51 PM »

Oklahoma Howdy to Ambassador4Christ,

Polish sausage -  Grin  LOL - Where do you get all of the good jokes? I still get quite a few by email, but most of them are old.

In Christ,
Tom


99% are from e-mails Bro Grin
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« Reply #487 on: December 14, 2003, 07:29:02 AM »


Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?


Is there really such a thing as a kosher hotdog?

*sigh*

That's like *diet* coke.

Or *fat-free* pizza.  Huh

The whole point of drinking a coke was precisely becuase it IS sweet--and fizzy--, and becuase it IS bad for you.  That's why we drink it(once in a while).

And the whole point of eating a hotdog is becuase it IS pork.
(er, or rather, pork "parts"(hehe--who knows WHAT that means Grin)).

   
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« Reply #488 on: December 15, 2003, 09:44:37 AM »

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren't able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
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« Reply #489 on: December 19, 2003, 06:38:44 AM »

This one is for all of you who either:
a) have kids
b) had kids who have now grown
c) was a kid
d) know a kid!
 
Daddy's Gonna Eat Your Fingers

As I was trying to pack for a business trip, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
 
At one point, she said, "Dad, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
 
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong honey?" She replied, "What happened to my booger?"  Smiley
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« Reply #490 on: December 19, 2003, 12:07:16 PM »

Becky and Sally Ann were doing some carpenter work on a house. Becky
who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull
out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are
you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of
them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! Those nails
aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!."


(IT WAS REPORTED THAT THESE GIRLS WHERE BLONDE, BUT YOU DECIDE)


 Grin Grin Grin
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ROM 12:5 So we, [being] many, are one body in Christ, and every one members one of another.
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« Reply #491 on: December 29, 2003, 06:18:54 AM »

FISHING
 
 
 
 A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
 
 "If I gave you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
 
 "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
 
 "Will you use it to buy lottery tickets instead of buying food?" the man asked.
 
 "No, I don't gamble" the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
 
 "Will you spend the money on fish bait instead of food?" the man asked.
 
 "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't fished in 20 years!"
   
 "Will you use the money to buy a ticket to the Chiefs game?" the man asked.
   
 "Are you crazy?" the homeless man replied. "I wouldn't pay to see folks beat upon other folks. I have seen enough of that on the streets."
   
 "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
   
 The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you  for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
 
 The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, ball games, gambling, and fishing."
 

The Crusader
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« Reply #492 on: January 02, 2004, 06:25:14 PM »

A plane is on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in
Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde passenger
that she paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because
she only paid for Economy she is only entitled to an economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I' m staying right here!"
Exasperated the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You say she's blonde?
I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde, and I speak blonde!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry  I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked
him what he said to  make her move without any fuss.
The Pilot replied "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne
 Grin Grin Grin

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Are You GOING TO HEAVEN?

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Galatians 4:16   Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
The Crusader
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« Reply #493 on: January 03, 2004, 05:46:05 AM »

Consider this.......

An elderly man knows he will die soon and that thought does not upset him as much as knowing that he cannot take with him all of his many accumulated worldly goods. So he has a long talk with God and they strike a bargain. He will be allowed to bring with him to heaven one suitcase containing anything he wishes. After much pondering the old man decides that he will take gold with him because surely that is valued anywhere. When the man dies he is met by St. Peter who tells him he is not allowed to enter heaven with his belongings and the old man explains that God said he could arrive with one suitcase- the contents of his choosing. After checking with God and determining that this is so, the gentleman is admitted to heaven. After several days St. Peter's curiosity gets the best of him and he approaches the man and asks what he has brought with him to heaven that is so valuable and may be look in the suitcase. The old man says certainly and St. Peter opens the suitcase, looks inside and exclaims "PAVEMENT, YOU BROUGHT PAVEMENT"?
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Ambassador4Christ
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« Reply #494 on: January 08, 2004, 05:03:47 PM »

What is Globalization?




QUESTION: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

ANSWER: Princess Diana's death  

QUESTION: How come?

ANSWER: An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

 with a Dutch engine,  

driven by a Belgian who was drunk  

on Scottish whiskey,  

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,  

on Japanese motorcycles,  

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines!

And this is sent to you from an American,  

using Bill Gates' technology,  

and you're probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,

that use Taiwanese-made chips,

and a Korean-made monitor,

assembled by Bangladeshi workers

in a Singapore plant,  

transported by lorries driven by Indians,  

hijacked by Indonesians,  

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

trucked by Mexican illegals,

and finally sold to you.  

That, my friend is Globalization
 Grin
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Are You GOING TO HEAVEN?

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Galatians 4:16   Am I therefore become your enemy, because I tell you the truth?
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