BULL

[TigerLily]

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to

open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time
that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I
ever got

angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with

happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."


 

[TigerLily]

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray-
And, as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young-
And, thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done!

THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS...
Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what in the world happened.


Ain't it the truth

[TigerLily]

Heres one that enuff to make you feel like gagging ROFL..
Enjoy....

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile. "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

[Ambassador4Christ]

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60
years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old
woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her
husband never to

open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day
the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not
recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the
shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time
that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money
totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the
secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I
ever got

angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with

happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doilies, but what about all of this
money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies."


 

LOL

[Forrest]

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long  it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-------------------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan  Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
------------------------------------------------
The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for  chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water.  And then you dump the stock.
------------------------------------------------
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the  best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start  by buying me a drink."
------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
-------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse. "OOPS!"
--------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a  display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds  since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it  all in one."
---------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old grand-daughter and beeped  the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." He replied, "How did you know?" She said, "Because you didn't say a dirty word afterwards!"

[Forrest]

Actual Employee Evaluations



The following was taken from actual employee evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows
signs of starting to dig.

2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

3. I would not allow this man to breed.

4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be.

5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.

6. When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

8. This man has delusions of adequacy.

9. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

10. This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

11. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

13. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

14. A room temperature I.Q.

15. Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it
together.

16. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

17. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

18. A prime candidate for natural deselection.

19. Bright as Alaska in December.

20. One-celled organisms outscore him in I.Q. tests.

21. Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

22. Fell out of his family tree.

23. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the trains isn't
coming.

24. This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking
for it.

25. He's so dense,light bends around him.

26. If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

27. Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

28. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

29. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

30. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

31. One neuron short of a synapse.

32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

33. Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.

34. Not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

[Forrest]

Subject: Men's Rule's


We always hear "the rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note. . .these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. You can handle it. We need it up, you need it
down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.


1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle
hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say it!


1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.


1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.


1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.


1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.


1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.


1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.


1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.


1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act
like nothing's wrong. We know it's not true, but it is just not
worth the hassle.


1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.


1. You have enough clothes.


1. You have too many shoes.


1. I AM in shape. Round is a shape.


1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on
the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that?
It's like camping.  

[Forrest]

And you thought YOU knew everything...
>
>
>
>Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the
>mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
>
>
>
>Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from
>a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
>
>
>
>The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.
>
>
>
>No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.
>
>
>
>Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.  
>
>
>
>
>You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
>
>
>
>Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
>
>
>
>The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
>
>
>
>The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.
>
>
>
>A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
>
>
>
>American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each
>salad served in first-class.
>
>
>
>Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
>
>
>
>Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
>
>
>
>The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
>
>
>
>Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
>
>
>
>The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.
>
>
>
>Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
>factory workers in Malaysia combined.
>
>
>
>Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
>
>
>
>All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing
>them in public.
>
>
>
>Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
>
>
>
>Pearls melt in vinegar.
>
>
>Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already
>married.
>
>
>The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and
>Budweiser, in that order.
>
>
>
>It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
>
>
>
>A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
>
>
>The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the
>engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and
>figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
>
>
>Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first USpresident whose name contains all the
>letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton.
>
>
>Turtles can breathe through their butts.
>
>
>Butterflies taste with their feet.
>
>
>In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's
>nuclear weapons combined.
>
>
>
>On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year.
>
>
>
>On average people fear spiders more than death.
>
>
>
>Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
>
>
>
>
>Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
>
>
>
>
>Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
>
>
>
>Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
>
>
>It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow.
>
>
>
>The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because
>when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the
>books that would occupy the building.
>
>
>A snail can sleep for three years.
>
>
>No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH."
>
>
>Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
>
>
>Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
>stop growing. SCARY!!!
>
>
>The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
>
>
>All polar bears are left handed.
>
>
>In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including
>their eyebrows and eyelashes.
>
>
>An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
>
>
>TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one
>row of the keyboard.
>
>
>Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
>
>
>
>If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand
>seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
>
>
>
>A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
>
>
>The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
>
>
>Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
>
>
>Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.
>
>Don't forget to pass these weird facts on to everyone you know.  They will
>get a kick out of it.
>
>
>As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me in
>many ways ...to keep me quiet.

[Brother Love]

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
And please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray-
And, as for my belly, please take it away.
Please keep me healthy, please keep me young-
And, thank you Dear Lord for all that you've done!

THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS...
Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering what in the world happened.


Ain't it the truth

Ain't it the truth  

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

Heres one that enuff to make you feel like gagging ROFL..
Enjoy....

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage.
Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush.
He held it up and said with a charming little smile. "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

LOL

Brother Love

[Brother Love]

"OOPS!"  I enjoyed them all

Brother Love

[Forrest]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
   clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
   in the first place!  

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".  

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.  

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.  

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
   the difference.  

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
   simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?  

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
   fallen asleep yet.  

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what
   he said.  

9. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.  

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
     can in prison?  

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
     started with something called labor!  

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

[Forrest]

DEPENDS!


A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan's hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it's in.
 
A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Mark McGuire's hands is worth $19 million.
It depends on whose hands it's in.
 
A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Venus Williams' hands is a championship winning.
It depends whose hands it's in.
   
A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal.
A rod in Moses' hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it's in.
   
A sling shot in my hands is a kid's toy
A sling shot in David's hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it's in.
 
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in God's hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it's in.
 
Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ's hands will
produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it's in.
 
As you see now it depends whose hands it's in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God's hands because...
It depends whose hands it's in.




This message is now in your hands.
What will YOU do with it?
 







It Depends on Who's Hands it's in!!
 

[Ambassador4Christ]

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting
   clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up
   in the first place!  

2. When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping", now I just "chunky dunk".  

3. The early bird still has to eat worms.  

4. The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.  

5. Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell
   the difference.  

6. Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could
   simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?  

7. Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't
   fallen asleep yet.  

8. My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what
   he said.  

9. Just remember... if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.  

10. Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they
     can in prison?  

11. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have
     started with something called labor!  

12. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever

Good Stuff, thanks Bro

[Ambassador4Christ]

Attention to detail...
   
   Jennifer, a young blonde, was working part time at an electronics store in receiving.
   
   The boss told her to order part number 669 from the factory. Knowing this was her chance to show the boss what a good worker she was, she carefully & quickly placed the order.
   
   A week later when the order arrived she noticed that someone had sent part number 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, Jennifer promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of her mind.
   
   Three days later, she received the same box back with a note containing five words, "Jennifer, turn the box over."