please help

[sigourney w.]

It's been a long time since I've been on here, I no longer know what to do, my mother went through a horrible ordeal with pancreatic cancer, she died jan.12 this year 5 months to the day she had surgery for it, she was 81, I took care of her, many things went wrong and mistakes made by doctors, she was too old to have a 5 hour surgery, she had some dementia from it, I gave her IV nutrition at home until a week before her death, I didn't know people were not supposed to stay on it that long, she never ate a meal again, I loved her more than anyone in my life and lived with her the last 25 years, when she was in hospital which was a lot, I didn't stay every night, even though she would get upset and beg me, I couldn't handle all this, I know she is in heaven, before she got sick she would study her bible until she couldn't see to read, and the last few days her mind got better I told her how much I loved her and  and how sorry I was for what she went through,  it was the weekend of the snow and ice here in greenville s.c. and hospice claimed they couldn't get her pain meds out, she couldn't talk or swallow by then, I finally got EMS to take us to hospital on bumpy frozen roads, I never left her side, I hope she heard my words of comfort to her, I stayed until she was ice cold and I wanted to start screaming, and I pulled myself together to get a cab home, and tell my brother who's very disabled from a stroke and diabetes she was gone,  I suffer from depression and I'm on meds, this is what replays in my mind day after day , I should be comforted she's with Jesus, my brother needs me, I thought I was handling this, then the 12th. came and I can't stop crying and feeling I failed her, I can't take any more, why is this happening to me, I know where she's at, I believe our loved ones will remember us in heaven, is it a breakdown from stress? my brother just got out of the hospital friday , he needs me badly help me please, anything....

[nChrist]

You're right, your mother is in heaven - absent from the body and present with the Lord.

Part of what you're going through is grief, and maybe another part is stress in helping someone with a lengthy illness. I think that the first thing you need to do is not blame yourself for anything and pray that God will give you peace. Nothing is your fault, so put it out of your mind. You're also probably tired and possibly near exhaustion. Try to get some rest and take care of yourself for a change before you end up in the hospital.

In the meantime, you will be in my prayers, and others will also read your prayer request and pray for you. I hope this helped some.  KEEP LOOKING UP!

[Soldier4Christ]

Being a caregiver is one of the hardest jobs there is a person can do. You have had not one but two so I definitely agree with what nChrist said. It is highly important that you take care of yourself in order for you to continue taking care of your brother. My prayers are with you.