Kid's Say the Darnedest Things!

[HisDaughter]

CHILDREN'S OBSERVATIONS ON LOVE

CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF LOVE

"Cupid kissed God and that got the ball rollin'."
Julio, age 9

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too."
Andrew, age 6
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell ... That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."
Mae, age 9
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
Manuel, age 8

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
John, age 9
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."
Glenn, age 7

ON THE ROLE OF BEAUTY AND HANDSOMENESS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
Anita C., age 8
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
Brian, age 7
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
Christine, age 9

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

HOW DO PEOPLE IN LOVE TYPICALLY BEHAVE? "Mooshy ... like puppy dogs ... except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as much."
Arnold, age 10
"When a person gets kissed for the first time, they fall down and they don't get up for at least an hour."
Wendy, age 8
"All of a sudden, the people get movies fever so they can sit together in the dark."
Sherm, age 8

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them."
Gavin, age 8
"They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle someday and do the holy matchimony thing."
John, age 9

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on television."
Jill, age 6
"Love is foolish ... but I still might try it sometime."
Floyd, age 9
"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place ... We were behind a tree."
Carey, age 7
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."
Dave, age 8
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough."
Regina, age 10

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES YOU NEED TO HAVE IN ORDER TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"Sensitivity don't hurt."
Robbie, age 8
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
Ava, age 8

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."
Del, age 6
"Shake your hips and hope for the best."
Camille, age 9
"Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs ... and don't worry if their parents are right there."
Manuel, age 8
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
Alonzo, age 9
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
Bart, age 9

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE? "Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
Bobby, age 9
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold ... Other people care more about the food."
Bart, age 9
"Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up."
Sarah, age 9
"See if the man has lipstick on his face."
Sandra, age 7
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are --- on fire."
Christine, age 9

TITLES OF THE LOVE BALLADS YOU CAN SING TO YOUR BELOVED
"'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?'"
Arnold, age 10
"'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.'"
Larry, age 8
"'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!'"
Eddie, age 6"'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My Friends.'"
Bob, age 9
"'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!'"
Will, age 7
"'Honey, I Got Your Curly Hair and Your Nintendo on My Mind.'"
Sharon, age 9

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU" "The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."
Michelle, age 9
"Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it out and said it and now they can go eat."
Dick, age 7

HOW WAS KISSING INVENTED?
"I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over, and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their houses."
Gina, age 8

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls."
Julia, age 7
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."
Brian, age 7
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
Carin, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? "When they're rich."
Pam, age 7
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you ... That's why I stopped doing it."
Tammy, age 10
"If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you have to ask permission."
Roger, age 6
"I look at kissing like this: Kissing is fine if you like it, but it's a free country and nobody should be forced to do it."

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
Dick, age 7
"Don't forget your wife's name ... That will mess up the love."
Erin, age 8
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash."
Dave, age 8
"Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind ... Love isn't like picking what movie you want to watch."
Natalie, age 9

[HisDaughter]

REFLECTIONS ON THE NATURE OF LOVE
"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too."
Greg, age 8

I'm with Greg on this one!   

[Shammu]

Some grade school teachers must agree with that, because they keep journals of amusing things their Students have written in papers. Here are a few examples.............

The future of "I give" is "I take."

The parts of speech are lungs and air.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

A census taker is man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

(Define H2O and CO2.) H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.

A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.

Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

One by-product of raising cattle is calves.

To prevent head colds, use an agonizer to spray into the nose until it drips into the throat.

The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

The climate is hottest next to the Creator.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.

The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

In the middle of the 18th century, all the morons moved to Utah.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.

[Soldier4Christ]

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor: "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money." "Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?" "Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."


My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," my wife said. Our daughter bowed her head and said: "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon." How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me", the father replied. "Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That Pastor said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys!"


The following statements about the bible were (supposedly) written by children and have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in):

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still & he obeyed him.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.


 Dear God,
please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.  Amanda

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce

Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet

God,
I read the bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison

Dear God,
is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita

Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy

Dear God,
it is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon? Jeff

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday night. That was really cool. Thomas

[Jon-Marc]

I absolutely loved "How can I love thee when you're always picking your nose?" That was hilarious.

[HisDaughter]

I agree with you Jon-Marc...that was a good one!

These are all incredably funny!  I just got up from my nap and had a great laugh!  Thanks guys!

[HisDaughter]

Grandparents...
 
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)



Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own.

 They like other people's.


 

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

 

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see

them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive

us to the shops and give us money.



When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and

caterpillars.


They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we

shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."


 

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.


They wear glasses and funny underwear.


They can take their teeth and gums out.


Grandparents don't have to be smart.


They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come

dogs chase cats?".


When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same

story over again.


Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have

television because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.


They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with

us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.


A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. ''oh,'' he said, ''she lives at the

airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're done having

her visit, we take her back to the airport.''


Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things but I don't

get to see him enough to get as smart as him!


This is the best one:

"It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

[Shammu]

"It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

That has never happened to me...................

[HisDaughter]

"It's funny when they bend over, you hear gas leaks and they blame their dog."

That has never happened to me...................

I don't have a dog....

[Soldier4Christ]

The grandkids work for that also.   

[HisDaughter]

Dear God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

Dear God,
How did you know you were God? Who told you?
Charlene

Dear God,
I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go?
Dennis

Dear God,
It's O. K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Arnold

Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
In Bible times, did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Seymour

Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year.
Peter

Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Beth

Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through the business?
Donny

Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the stars in the right place. Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can. Really.
Frank

Dear God,
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
Jane

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you just keep the ones you have now?
Jane

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a jealous God? I thought You had everything.
Jane

Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear God,
If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear God,
If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison

Dear God,
Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway.
Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am.)

Dear God,
If we come back as something -- please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dean

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah. "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do.
Eddie

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know, but I am not just saying that because You are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!
Eugene

[HisDaughter]

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator.
A fibula is a small lie.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
A harp is a nude piano.
A liter is a nest of young puppies.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
A Maillard reaction is what you get when the dogs are let loose among the ducks in a marsh.
A major disease associated with cigarettes is premature death.
A molecule is so small that you can't see it. Fortunately most things are bigger.
A monsoon is a French gentleman.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, not so often in the winter.
A planet is a body of earth surrounded by sky.
A seizure is a Roman emperor.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A terminal illness is when you are sick at the airport.
A turbine is something an Arab wears on his head.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
A yokel is the way people talk to each other in the Alps.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
According to Shakespeare, life is a tail told by an idiot full of sound and furry.
Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife.
All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

An appendix is something you find in the back of a book. But if it gets in people, it has to be taken out.
An organic compound is made with paper and scissors.
An optimist is a doctor who looks after your eyes. A pessimist is one who attends to your feet.
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.
As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.

Carbohydrate is the scientific term for spaghetti.
Carbon 14 is not black. That is why they make diamonds out of it.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches - who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
Clouds are high flying fogs. Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Columbus was a great navigator who cursed about the Atlantic.
Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.
Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself can't stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. Soon, the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.
Doctors practice medicine until they finally get it right. Doctors say that fatal diseases are the worst.
During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

Each state is permitted to send two centaurs to Congress.
Electricity comes from rubbing things together just like fire. It is better than fire because it is brighter, warmer and travels through wires.

Filet mignon is an opera by Puccini.
Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For a head cold, use an agonizer to spay your nose until it drops in your throat.
For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
For drowning, climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.
For fainting, rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.
Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.
Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Homer wrote The Oddity.

[HisDaughter]

Dear God,
I am doing the best I can. Really.
Frank

Me too Frank, me too.

[HisDaughter]

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

For fainting, rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

  I just couldn't quit laughing on this one!!

[HisDaughter]

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Yes.  Among many.

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Mmmm....