Kid's Say the Darnedest Things!

[HisDaughter]

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

Soon, the constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.

This little guy didn't know how right he was!

[HisDaughter]

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
Ibid was a famous Latin poet.
If one angle of a triangle is more than 90 degrees, the triangle is obscene.
In 1937, Eugene O'Neill won a Pullet surprise.
In Christianity a man can only have one wife. This is called monotony.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.
In spring, the salmon swim upstream to spoon.

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now.
Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.
Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is best not to cross horses in the middle of the stream.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
It is important to take mono sodium to mate.
It is so hot in some places that people there have to live in other places.
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems.

Joshua led the Hebrews to their victory in the battle of Geritol.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him, because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out, "Tee hee, Brutus." (Or ... "Same to you, Brutus.")
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess.
Lime is a green-tasting rock.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
Magna Carta said that the King was not to order taxis without the consent of Parliament.
Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, which proved fatal to them.
Martin Luther was nailed to a church door after selling the Pope's privileges. He did after he was communicated by a bull.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

Momentum is what you give a person when they are going away.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments. Or, alternatively ...
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they sing without music it is called Acapulco.

Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Newton invented gravity. That made many things possible for the first time. But it also meant that someone had to invent the pulley.
Nitrogen is not found in Ireland, because it is not found in a free state.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings.
On Washington's trip across the Delaware two men were frozen to death, but they reached the other side safely.
One byproduct of raising cattle is calves.
One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.
Pompeii was once completely buried in larva.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and the McCoys.
Prose may be divided into two parts: friction and non-friction.

Queen Elizabeth rode through Coventry with nothing on and Raleigh offered her his cloak. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
Quinine is a valuable medicine that comes from barking trees.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.
Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
Rhubarb is a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Science means mixing different things together to make things.
Science means that things are not what they really are.
Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock, which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy, too.

Some day we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun, but I never have been able to make out the numbers.
South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.
Steroids are things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

[HisDaughter]

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

[HisDaughter]

Science means that things are not what they really are.

Actually, I think that's the government. 

[Soldier4Christ]

Actually, I think that's the government. 

I think that both may apply.

[HisDaughter]

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The author of Aesop's Fables was Aesophagus.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o and u.

The Caesarian section is a district in Rome.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
The Crusaders were fighting so that the Pilgrims could go to the Holy land to find the Holy Grill. Most of them died from salvation.
The doctor had to abandon his code of ethnics.
The Earth needs the ozone layer to keep in the gravity.

Managerie Lion

The equator is a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The first law of Thermodynamics was signed by President Bush to prevent that kind of terrorism.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted in Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The future of "I give" is "I take."

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that, I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then, nobody ever found it. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we couldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
The king had a wonderful funeral. It took eight men to carry the beer.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
The law of gravity says: No fair jumping up without coming back down.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
The most important inventions are the automobile, the cell phone, computers and iron.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The planets circle the sun because they are round.
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
The sun is just a star. It is just bigger and more shiny than all the others.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forgot, and the other two are too well known to mention.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To germinate is to become a naturalized German.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Two shots rang out. Two of the servants fell dead, the other went through his hat.
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious ... [they really meant, do dishes!] ... can be soft as your face.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
"Varicose" means nearby.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

When a boy reaches puberty, he says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. And just in case you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

[nChrist]

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. And just in case you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

I always wondered what happened.   

[HisDaughter]

"BABY FAT?"

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
 
 "THE PERFECT PICTURE"

When you THINK you have a bad day, remember this one from a young mother. "I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. "Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and put them in cards and mailed them out to relatives. A few days later one of my relatives called commenting on my picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"
 
 "MY FOOTSTEPS?"

An acquaintance of mine, who is a physician, told this story about her then four year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought my friend, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"
 
 "A WISE LITTLE GIRL"

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say,"I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
 
 "TOO ROUGH"

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough. The little girl thought about it for a few moments, and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
 
 "THUMB SUCKING"

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery, to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon. "Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four year old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh...I know what you've been doing."
 

[nChrist]

          THANKS! - I NEEDED THESE LAUGHS! I'll return the favor.

[HisDaughter]

         THANKS! - I NEEDED THESE LAUGHS! I'll return the favor.

Where ya been all day?  Takin' an old man nap? 

[nChrist]

Where ya been all day?  Takin' an old man nap? 

Sister Yvette,

I did manage to finally get some good rest. I don't want to complain, but I've been almost down with my back. I really need a back transplant. I either want one from a monkey so that I can swing through the trees or from a cheetah so I can run 60 mph when they get through.   

P.S. I'm not very particular. I would go ahead and take the paws, fur, and all.

(Small Print: I like the color of this one.)   

[HisDaughter]

Have I done this particular set before?  Well just in case.....

Kids Say the Darnedest Things, T-Z

Talc is found on rocks and on babies.
The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
The author of Aesop's Fables was Aesophagus.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
The blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five -- a, e, i, o and u.

The Caesarian section is a district in Rome.
The climate is hottest next to the Creator.
The Crusaders were fighting so that the Pilgrims could go to the Holy land to find the Holy Grill. Most of them died from salvation.
The doctor had to abandon his code of ethnics.
The Earth needs the ozone layer to keep in the gravity.

Managerie Lion

The equator is a managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The first law of Thermodynamics was signed by President Bush to prevent that kind of terrorism.
The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted in Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
The future of "I give" is "I take."

The general direction of the Alps is straight up.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. They lived in Italy. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet but her father was having none of that that, I'm sure. You know how Italian fathers are. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then, nobody ever found it. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we couldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.
The king had a wonderful funeral. It took eight men to carry the beer.
The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is nowhere else to put them.
The law of gravity says: No fair jumping up without coming back down.
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.
The most important inventions are the automobile, the cell phone, computers and iron.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
The parts of speech are lungs and air.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The planets circle the sun because they are round.
The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called pre-Madonna.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.
The sun is just a star. It is just bigger and more shiny than all the others.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.
The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
There are four symptoms of a cold. Two I forgot, and the other two are too well known to mention.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
To germinate is to become a naturalized German.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
To most people, solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists, solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

To prevent contraception, wear a condominium.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Two shots rang out. Two of the servants fell dead, the other went through his hat.
Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious ... [they really meant, do dishes!] ... can be soft as your face.
Vacuum: A large empty space where the pope lives.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
"Varicose" means nearby.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
Water is composed of two gins. Oxygin and hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

When a boy reaches puberty, he says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.
When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.
When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. And just in case you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.
Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby, the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

[nChrist]

          

It all sounds quite logical and TRUE.

[HisDaughter]

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. 
The father being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand. 

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?" 

"Sure," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the night." 

"How about transportation?" the father asked. 

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. 

The boy had an answer to every question the father raised. 

Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know." 

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

[HisDaughter]

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the
 watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times
 before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little
 one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"


 My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy
 Birthday. He asked me how old I was, a nd I told him, "62." He was quiet
 for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


 After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother
 changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her
 hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
 patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
 stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.
 As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling
 voice, "Who was THAT?"


 A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her
 own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
 swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode
 our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was
 wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten
 to know you sooner!"