Is divorce a no-no or a legitimate way out of certain bad situations?

[chocoholic]

I would like to ask Pastor Rogers to explain in more detail his statement on an old board on the subject of divorce. 

"divorce is not something that we should take lightly. God does not want us to get divorces, however He does make a way out for us if the situation is unbearable. If you have tried everything you can, marriage counselling with a good Christian pastor or Christian marriage councillor, if your spouse still ..."

I have pastors and SOME Christians who tell me that divorce is wrong PERIOD.  I have many more Christian friends who understand what I have gone through for the last 35 years, and wonder why I didn't leave sooner, or why I put up with it for so long.  Mine is a case of constant verbal and emotional abuse.  We've gone the marraige counseling route, etc. and nothing ever changes.  Four words describe my soon-to-be ex-husband:  negative, pessimistic, critical, and angry.  I just can't take it any more.  I am moving out this week into my own mobile home, and filing for divorce.  I thought of just being separated to appease everybody with the "divorce" title, but I need half of everything we've both worked for for these 35 years to be able to live on my own as I am self-employed and do not make that much money; and the only way I could get that is through a divorce.

I firmly believe that the Lord has been with me all the way through these last 2 months of packing and preparing to leave and now the leave about to take place.  EVERYTHING has just fallen into place, and when I was getting discouraged, ONE of my Christian friends called or sent me an EM to encourage me and pray with me.  I feel the Lord does not want me to continue to live like that.  It was/is affecting my health--high blood pressure, depression, and high cholesterol.  I have a good sense that when I'm out from under the tension, these things will clear up in time.  I am looking forward to serving Him better and more as soon as I am on my own where I can come and go without someone criticizing me or breathing down my neck.

Anyway, back to my question...  How do you explain to people that under such circumstances it is OK to divorce?  They say there is no reason except adultery, and while I believe I'm doing the right thing for me, and I agree with you statement, HOW do you back that up with Scripture to "defend" yourself?  My leadership positions at church are teetering on the edge of being dismissed because of divorce and the fact that some people have disagreements with me (That's another discussion in itself.).

[Soldier4Christ]

Let's take a close look at what scripture says on this.


Mat 19:8  He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
Mat 19:9  And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
Mat 19:10  His disciples say unto him, If the case of the man be so with his wife, it is not good to marry.


Mat 5:32  But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.


Mar 10:11  And he saith unto them, Whosoever shall put away his wife, and marry another, committeth adultery against her.
Mar 10:12  And if a woman shall put away her husband, and be married to another, she committeth adultery.

Jesus is talking about those that divorce their spouse for the purpose of marrying another person. To do this is to commit adultery.

I do not advocate divorce either but I am sure that God would not want any of us to purposefully place ourselves in a position to suffer torment or death for such a thing as this. All too often when a person is abusive in such a manner it does end up in physical abuse also. Brother Tom (blackeyedpeas) can probably tell you a lot more about such situations.

[chocoholic]

  Ahh, that does make more sense.  I had been thinking that MAYBE Jesus didn't go any further or be more specific because it might give someone an out for no good reason OR you know the saying "out of sight, out of mind"--well, MAYBE He didn't want to mention any other situations so as not to give anyone an excuse or loophole.  Am I making sense?

No, I don't advocate divorce either for just no reason or such as you mentioned, but when things don't change, and even get worse, and you start feeling threatened, and unsure about your own safety, I think it's time.  I have a big hole in my bedroom door as a result of his anger over something stupid like not being able to button a top button on his dress shirt.  I thank God I had not walked into the room at that moment or been his target rather than the door.  But who knows?  Maybe the next time it could be me at the receiving end, and I'm not about to wait any longer to find out.  One pastor that was at our church last Sunday said not to use analogies, but they help make the point.  If you were in a burning building, would you stay there and be burned alive or would you run out as fast as you can?
  I rest my case.

[Soldier4Christ]

Hi chocoholic,

That was exactly my point also.

I need to ask you now to please remove the information in your sig line. That constitutes advertising and advertising on the forum is against the forum rules. I hope that you understand. I will give some time to do so but if it isn't removed soon then I will be forced to delete your posts and may have to also ban you.

Thank you.

[chocoholic]

  Sorry about the sig line.  I've used it on message boards before and it wasn't considered advertising, and besides, I didn't mean it that way--it just kind of tells who I am--a self-employed individual.  I changed my profile.  Is there a way to go back and change my posts, or will changing the profile do it automatically?

[chocoholic]

Never mind that last question.  After I posted it, I saw it did change the previous posts. 

[Soldier4Christ]

Thank you for changing it, chocoholic. There are many that come here just for the single purpose fo advertising their web sites that way so we have had to make a blanket policy against it. If we didn't the forum would be run over with nothing but advertising in that manner. We try to keep the board a place that glorifies God and not men and is a great place for fellowship. Again, thank you for changing it.

[Brother Jerry]

Chocoholic

My prayers are lifted up for you. 

The wonderous thing about Scripture is that God just simply made sense.  If we ever read something that just does not make sense then odds are we are not reading it correctly, and missing the point.  God provided us marriage, man created divorce.  Man created divorce, God created the rules for divorce.  What it comes down to is that God provides us something and it is reasonable, man twists it and makes it unreasonable, God then provides the rules to make it reasonable again. 

It would be unreasonable to be in a situation in which you could be physically harmed, emotionally wrecked, and even more importantly your relationship with Jesus harmed.  It would be unreasonable to assume that God would allow us to divorce our spouse on the grounds of adultery, but not when it comes to possible life threatening situations.  Since it is unreasonable to assume that then we must have missed the point of Scripture.  And PR has brought that out.

Choco I pray for you, and more importantly I pray for your husband.  If anyone needs prayers it is him.  It sounds like he is far from saved and Satan is using him as a tool to wreck your fellowship and testimony.  I pray that where counsellings have failed for him, that The Counselor may soothe his spirit.

[TalkerCat]

I'm recently recovering from three years of abuse (NO he didn't beat me! but emotional and mental anguish is sometimes even worse) There are a few brothers here (Tom and PR for sure) that know my testimony and history with my ex; by the end, they too, were encouraging me to get away from that volatile situation.  A divorce was sought after much prayer and soul searching..... I'll always rest sure knowing that I gave my marriage my best shot ~ before finally giving up, brushing the dust from my feet and moving on. 

You have found a strong platform of comforters here Choc ~ I pray that you always seek Him first, get counsel from strong Christians and know that we'll always be here to listen and pray with you.

Your Friend and
Sister in Christ,

TalkerCat

[airIam2worship]

Hello Choc,    Welcome to CU a little late, but I've been gone for some time.

You have been well advised. And yes, many Christians do get divorces.That is a fact, many times because of adultery, but also because of mental, physical, emotional, and even financial abuse. Even being forced to go into another room where you don't want to be can be considered kidnapping. The laws vary from state to state, but here in Florida domestic laws are very strict and followed through. A lot of people don't know this but these can cause divorce just as much as adultery.

Getting divorced to keep yourself safe from harm is not wrong, what would be considered wrong is divorcing and running off and getting married or committing fornication by moving in with another person.

You should definitely continue to pray for your husband's salvation. There have been many marriages that have been renewed in spite of a divorce, because the injured spouse has continued to pray for the unsaved spouse.

I am praying for you sister, and may I say you are a real trooper for taking abuse for 35 years.

[chocoholic]

I want to update everyone on what's been happening the last two weeks I moved in on Saturday, the 8th.  I'm settled in and love the new home and neighborhood.  I really believe God has something important for me to do here in my new neighborhood.

Next is a new  issue that I believe is in conjunction with the divorce.  I met with our district superintendent (DS) on Sunday, 9/2, after church, and he told me he thought I should resign as the church's lay delegate (LD) , and that a couple of people contacted him and said they had a problem(s) with me, but he would not say who or what the problem is.  I hate when people do that.  If you don’t know what it is, you can’t resolve it, and that’s both frustrating and not conducive to making changes and moving on.  I told him I would not resign on my own because I love doing what I’m doing, and want to continue doing it. 

The Official Board (OB) meeting was the following Wednesday, 9/5 after prayer meeting.  The DS was present.  When we were going through the business part of the meeting, when it was my turn to “report” I said something like “I understand there are one or more people who “have a problem” with me, and I would ask that person or persons to come to me so we can resolve it.  I have a feeling it could be a misunderstanding, and I don’t want to be at odds with anyone….If that person is not here now, please tell them.”  Well, the room got so quiet you could hear a pin drop.  No one said anything to me then or since.  After the business part of the meeting, the OB president looked at the DS and said, “well, we have this letter from Martha about her divorce.  I guess you’re going to address that.”  He asked me if I would resign if they asked me to, or any discussion was moot.  I said I don’t want to resign, but if the OB wants me to, I will.  (I figured it’s no use fighting city hall or making enemies, etc.)  They asked me to step out, so I paced the parking lot for 20 minutes in the heat.  When they called me back in, the DS said he was appointed spokesman.  He told me it was UNANIMOUS that the board is asking for my resignation.  I was so stunned  that I didn’t even ask why.  I just said they would have my letter by Sunday and left.  That was very hurtful, and I’m still working through it.

On Sunday, 9/9, we obtained an interim pastor (IP), but I did not go to church anywhere that day.  It was the day after I moved, so I just stayed home, had my own devotions, listened to music, etc.  I did not go to prayer meeting that week either.  Only 2 people called me to say they missed me, and I had called 2 others to discuss what happened at the meeting.  The following Sunday (this past week, 9/16), I visited a friend's church, relatives, and a friend in the morning and went to my church in the evening.

I had a talk with the IP on Wednesday evening before church regarding my being asked to resign as LD.  I told him that I feel one “job” isn’t any different than another, and he agreed with me.  They are all a ministry—even doing the newsletter.  We both agreed that if I’m not allowed to be LD then I shouldn’t be teaching, etc.  It is being inconsistent on the board/church’s part.  He thinks I should either write a letter or request to address the OB and ask the reason(s) why I was asked to resign.  I am just assuming it is the divorce issue, but they didn’t give any reason(s).  Then go on to explain my point of view.  If it is just the divorce that is the issue, that means I would not be able to be in any leadership position in the church, which would let them with a lot of holes—which MIGHT get some of the members upset and open a can of worms or something.  The other thing is that since the church has no by-laws (and don’t want any), the church is required to abide by the denomination’s Discipline.  Since it states in the Discipline that divorced people are to be granted full participation in church membership and activities, etc.; in asking me to resign, they are not upholding the church discipline.  I don’t want to be present at another board meeting, but I am going to write that letter.  So pray for the TACTFUL way to explain my position, etc. and for the outcome.  I know the IP will back me up on this. 

I also thought of asking for what they call a referendum which means the issue has to be taken to the congregation for a vote.  Outside the OB, most people do not know of my pending divorce yet, but the ones I have shared it with do not have a problem with it, and in fact some of them are divorced people and serving in the church, so the other question I will be asking is, is my not being able to serve time-sensitive—such as only until the divorce is final, or a year or something—or will I NEVER be allowed to serve there again.  If that's the case, then I also need to ask why there have been divorcees serving in the past and presently.  I hate to do it, but if the latter is the case, I’ll be looking for a new church.  I want to minister to people and I believe I can regardless of the outcome of my divorce.  I do not want to sit back and do nothing but warm a pew—that’s not me!

Regarding my husband…  He was served the divorce papers a week ago and had an appointment with an attorney.  I have not heard anything from him or his attorney yet.  I have a feeling he will drag things out just to drain me of money in paying for an attorney.  I had to pay a $1,500 retainer fee up-front, and I got the attorney’s statement today, and already he’s used almost $900 of that amount.  Finances are getting tight for me until this all is settled.

One positive thing  is with all the stress I HAD (none now), the moving, the heat (sweated a lot), and the extra walking, I’ve lost a good bit of weight.  A couple more pounds and I’ll be down to where I was about 10 years ago, which is good.

So.... I know different churches have different rules and thoughts, etc., but would you agree that if I can't minister as LD, then I shouldn't minister at all???

[Shammu]

So.... I know different churches have different rules and thoughts, etc., but would you agree that if I can't minister as LD, then I shouldn't minister at all???

Sister, that is something to need to take to prayer. I will be praying for you.

[Soldier4Christ]

As you said, different churches have different rules on this. What the Bible says here is what is important. As someone that has held such a position as you have I am sure that you already know what that is.

I will be praying for you that the Lord will lead you in the proper way to go.

[Brother Jerry]

I will continue to pray for you sister.  Keep strong and God will lead you.

[airIam2worship]

Sister, I'm sorry to say this, but it seems to me that there are too many politics going on in the church. In my church only the pastor would talk and not to make anyone resign from serving, but to make sure they are sure of what they are doing and to offer prayer. I think you have the right to know what it is you are being reprimanded for, even if the names are not revealed.

Continue in prayer Sister, God will answer your prayer, and if you leave the church you are attending now, God will lead you to the one He ha for you.

My prayers are with you.