I need help/advice/prayer

[peachykeen]

In December of 2002, I began battling with depression.  I'm sure you all may have experienced this at one point, considering almost all teens go through a bout of this, but when the depression started taking long term effects (exhaustion, headaches, faint-feelings) I began to go to doctors to see if there was something else wrong.  After 5 doctors and A LOT of blood tests, we finally narowed it down to one thing: a severe case of hypoglycemia.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's like diabeties, except not treated with insulin.  In fact, its only treated by "diet and exercise" making it not very serious at all for most people.  However, I have been doing all that my doctors have told me to do, and I still feel terrible.  When school approached in late August, I gathered my courage and strength, only to miss about 2-3 days a week, every week of school.  I have also obtained more symptoms, much more severe and painful, but cannot be explained by hypoglycemia.  But there are no more doctors, no more tests that explain this.  The doctors think it is all in my head, my friends think its no big deal, and my family believes I'm going crazy, and a trip to the psycologist and some pills will fix it.  

Now, to the real point I was trying to make.  I have been wrestling with my faith this entire summer.  I have had a wonderful June and July with God, going on a Missions Trip to Saltillo, Mexico, only to over-come my depression through a true miracle from God!  However, since then, my sickness has gotten extremley worse, and nothing can be done about it.  In August, my fights with God became much more intense.  I fouught with Him in my mind and even lost sight of Him once or twice.  Then came the pills.  My parents were convinced that they had found the cure in 30 mL of fun.  Instead, the pills have made me irritable, angry, frustrated, worried, and most of all confused.  This was the final barrier between myself and God.  So much pain has been built up in the last 2 weeks, that on this very night, I have fought with God and am finally fed up.  I am never angry, I never hate anyone.  I love people, no matter the cost, the pain they cause me, or the pain they cause themselves.  But tonight, I know what true outrage, impatience, and blind furry really feels like.  For once I feel like God is out to get me, like he is putting me in situations that hurt me more.  Before you think of James, let me tell you that I feel like God is testing me beyond my limits, even though he promises that he never will.  I know I should rejoyce in times of testing, because I'll come out stronger, but I feel beaten, worn, torn, and ripped, like a sailor who has been battling a storm for too long and his ship is just about to sink.  Second of all, I have been doing my bible study, praying consistantly, and acting in fellowship with my church friends and family. I have not left Him, nor forsaken Him.  But, I feel like God has forsaken me.  I know he never forsakes anyone, but I feel like I am at a breaking point, like I really have been cast down.  I feel so unloved and unwanted.  I don't know what to do, or how to handle this.  I've tried praying, begging, fighting, talking, thinking, and it seems like an imposible logic problem.  Any advice would be WONDERFUL, and thank you for taking the time to read this long request.  I hope that someone will be able to relate to this too, I'm sure someone out there knows what its like to be sick and trapped, both spiritually and physically.  
PS-Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tibby]

Prayer- We'll do, friend.

Advice- I couldn't help but notice your use of strong physical word to describe your problem (such as fighting and wrestling). Do you get much physical activity? Maybe, letting a little pressure off by doing something physical be just what the doc ordered. Try it. The human body was made for walking 40 miles a day, and hunting for food. Not sitting in a cubical all day and having your food handle to you in a plate. Sometimes, it can make modern man feel like a caged animel. Have you ever watched a tiger at the zoo? How they pace. They just pace all day. There are not the same Tiger you see in the discovery channel. Have you ever watched a hamster or Gerbil or rabbit in a cage? When they are not sleeping they are trying to escape, trying to run away. Sometimes, I think humans feel the same way. We are not made to live like this. But, many times we don’t have an option. Which his why we need to supplements our daily lives with exercise. I’m sure there is something you would enjoy doing that will make you sweat! That is my 2 cents.

[moira3]

I am glad you came here for support. I have suffered from panic attacks for the past ten years. It is discouraging, but I think the key is to never give up your hope and to surround yourself with good friends. Also, seek second, third, fourth etc.., opinions. A lot of times stress can cause debilitating physical ills. Perhaps you could find some type of support group through your church- or even start one yourself:) We all need others, and you are right to pray consistently. God led you to this forum for some encouragement and support...He won't let you down...

[Whitehorse]

Hi, Peachy!

I know what you're going through with wondering why things seem tougher than you can handle right now. I've had one of those lives where you don't have storms-life is a storm. And one night I found myself wondering what God was trying to show me. Finally I told God I couldn't handle it anymore and asked Him to remove the affliction. And that's when the most amazing thing happened in my life:

God increased the turmoil.

I admit; I was taken aback by this. I wasn't really expecting this kind of a response, so I went to prayer a second time and told God I couldn't take it anymore and I asked Him to remove the affliction. And then, something truly amazing happened:

God increased the turmoil.

After a third time, the same thing happened, so finally I knew this was not a coincidence; something God had planned anyway and it just happened after I prayed for the opposite. Nope: there was something to learn here. I was in a really tough time. So I prayed power prayers. I meant it. No tired, yawny, half alert prayers anymore: I prayed like I meant it. I needed God to show me.

So He did.

What I discovered is that God promised never to give us more than we could bear.  But the promise says nothing about giving us more than we're willing to bear. God never leaves us; we walk away from Him.

So I "reasoned" with God. and He kept bringing me back to the promise that He would never give me more than I could bear, at times putting me in a corner and whispering into my soul, "What does this say about your circumsances?"

I thought He was being unreasonable. According to my reasoning anyway. But what He was showing me was that every time He turned up the heat, by His mercy and grace I was still standing. And not only that, but He was preparing me for the ultimate standoff between me and the enemy. The way He did this was by forcing me into a position where I had no choice but to do one of two things:

1. Believe what I see
2. Believe Him

There are no two ways about it anymore, and there's a very good reason He does this: by faith you can withstand any blast of the enemy. It says it in Ephesians six, but this is where you actually know practically the truth of that verse. So your faith has to be perfected. And this can only happen after you're able to see a trial coming, and literally know in your heart with absolute power every single time that God really does have a good reason for everything, and not only is it for our good, but you'll truly rejoice in it.

These days, having seen everything God brought me through and what He taught me, trials don't get to me like they used to. When new challenges come, it's actually exciting to take every opportunity to improve and become more like Christ. This is one place in your spiritual walk where you actually get to see the fruit of your labor.

Another thing to check is if there's anything in your life you know God wants you to relinquish, no matter how trivial it may seem to you. If there is, simply let it go.

Things to add to prayer to make them more effective:
1. Pray like you mean it, do it constantly, and make it your primary focus.
2. Go in a spirit of humility. If you're angry, wait until you're calm before uttering anything before God.
3. Ask for grace. He loves it when we respectfully remind Him of His promises and ask with all our hearts for it. He tells us that we will not be tempted beyond what we can bear, and that we should boldly come before the throne of grace to receive this help. As it is written:

Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need. Hebrews 4:16

4. Get rid of any skepticism: once you pray that prayer, set it apart in your mind as a done deal and watch expectantly for God to answer. If you've prayed according to his will, He will certainly do that. He really hates unbelief.
5. Do whatever you possibly can to be more concerned with finding out what God wants you to learn, than with your suffering. In my own life I've discovered that when I'm more concerned about what He's trying to teach me, and how He wants me to change, He often removes the affliction. When my priorities are out of line, He's faithful to let me know. And He gets my prioroties back to where they should be.

I'm praying for you, and if there's anything I can do to encourage you, I'd be pleased to do so.

[peachykeen]

thanks a lot for your advice, it's really helped me move back towards God again.  And I'm sorry it's such a personal entry, I didn't mean to make it sound so selfish!!!  But the thing is, I feel like I'm still battling the world and God.  I am fighting to keep my faith steady, and I still can understand God and function under Him, but I am so angry with him right now.  I really feel like he is abandoning me, although I know he never will.  I wish I could return to the happy christian state I was in a year ago, but I feel like God just really wants to hurt me.  What do you do when it feels like your best friend, father, and creator has left you?

[Whitehorse]

You don't sound selfish at all-you just sound like a human being going through a tough battle. Everyone who is honest can relate to that. Job did, Jeremiah did, even Elijah. Jesus Himself predicted His own death and knew why He had come, but under the anguish of His suffering cried out, "My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?"

You're not alone. That in itself is a comfort to me when I go through hard times, because then I can see that it isn't necessarily a sign of God's disfavor. James chapter one tells us to count it as joy, which immediately wars against our first inclination, but only through true suffering can we see how true this is. It means God is working in us, and we can see how God used it in the lives of others. And it gives us courage to face whatever is going on in our lives, too. And I happen to be in the midst of a terrible storm too, right now. Multiple storms. So I can sympathize with how you feel.

Another thing I do is remember that if God offered Jesus to take our suffering away, certainly there is nothing less than God's own Son that God is willing to give for us. And we will never have to go through any pain, mental, emotional, physical, or spiritual, that will ever match what He suffered on the cross and in separation from the Father He enjoyed from eternity past. So I just think of what I would have to go through without Him.

I also remember that how things seem and how they are are two very differnt things. Over time, God has shown me that what I want isn't best, simply by letting me have a taste of it. Then I go back to seeing that His way is best. He knows my personality well. He knows the right job for me. He knows who I do and don't want in my life. He knows whether suffering will do me a favor or if it is bad suffering of my own choosing. So now I let Him make the decisions no matter how well I like them. I just concentrate on doing what is right to the best of my ability and strength. It galls me how I'm capable of disappointing God sometimes. So that's why I try to look at every trial as a test, where I will either show God's glory to the spirit world or the devil will have opportunity to gloat in my Father's face. Once we look at it that way, it's very hard to do the wrong thing. And then, when we look back at the trial, we see that God was truly faithful and it strengthens our faith. And that prepares us for the next storm, strengthens us, gives us encouragement at a future time when we'll really be needing it, and purges of sin that threatens to separate us from God. We're just fighting our way to those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

It gives purpose to the misery, which gives us the strength to endure it.

[Willowbirch]

I really feel like he is abandoning me, although I know he never will.  I wish I could return to the happy christian state I was in a year ago, but I feel like God just really wants to hurt me.  What do you do when it feels like your best friend, father, and creator has left you?

Peachy: I feel like He is abandoning me, although I know He never will.

Willowbirch: Peachykeen, I am so glad you realize this. (Don't get me wrong - I have lead a miserably sheltered and peaceful life, and don't have a clue what you're going through   ) But in the times where I have been lead to doubt God, one of the things I have found helpful is to study my heart and find what I know is true. I have hidden His word in my heart; I know it, and when the voices of doubt and decay start mumbling inside me, I have found His Word to be an effective weapon. Sometimes it seems that it is only a tiny thread that I am clutching, but it links me to God and reality, when otherwise I would be lost in the storm.

Peachy, you may have been happy a year ago - but it will not compare to the happiness you will have in God when your faith has been tested and proved true. I cannot say I know this from experience, because I have not yet been called to take up arms to defend my faith. But I know its true.

[Willowbirch]

Thank you, Whitehorse, for your insightful posts!

[peachykeen]

Thank you both Whitehorse and Willowbirch, and its true Willowbirch, the scriptures and truths I've hidden away in my heart are probobly the only things that have kept me from abandoning my religion--I know God is real, even when I'm so angry I don't want him to be.  However, a friend recently proposed another thought to me--what if this isn't God placing tasks and challenges before me, but the Devil actually trying to turn me away from my father?  How do we know when it is God testing us and when it is spiritual warfare?  It would explain why I feel so dragged down and separated from God.  How do I know and what do I do?

[WhitehorseToo]

I'm so glad you're hanging in there-I know it isn't easy. I'm doing a study on Job right now and making a list of comforting observations that I'd be pleased to share with you when I'm done if you're interested.

I think whether it is a test or spiritual warfare, I think you can safely treat both the same way. When you succeed, you will feel a burst of faith. I know this sounds almost cliche but it truly isn't: asking God for the specific individual things you need really opens doors and does damage to the kingdom of darkness. I know I'm not alone in agreeing with you in prayer on these things. They might include encouragement both generally and in certain circumstances, that God would give you more information on why you are going through this and what He wants you to do, for counsel from His Holy Spirit-anything you want. In fact, I often make a "shopping list" and present my shopping cart before God and ask Him to fill it up for me. I might ask for grace for a certain circumstance, wisdom, guidance, increased knowledge about a particular circumstance--I go to Him frequently and ask for all kinds of things.

But this much is certain-your faith will certainly grow stronger because of this and it will increase the remarkable skill you possess to use what God has given you in the past. Even though you may not see it now, it looks to me like you're being given a very special gift. Hard-won, to be certain, and special.

[Willowbirch]

Thank you, Whitehorse!

[Whitehorse]

*cyberhug*

[peachykeen]