Jest for laughs

[Willowbirch]

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  

[Willowbirch]

The dark side of families who homeschool! (joke)
http://www.design-a-website.com/dark.htm

[Brother Love]

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  

Good One LOL

Brother Love

[Forrest]

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)




 

Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?

 Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?

 Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
 

 Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

 Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?

 All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
 

 If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.

So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

 When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.

When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.

 He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?

 So don't take any bets,

It's as good as it gets,

Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
 
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.l

[Willowbirch]

 

[Forrest]

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman made a very touching speech.
She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a
woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their
hands......
SEND THIS MAIL TO AN INTELLIGENT WOMAN, SO THAT SHE HAS SOMETHING TO SMILE ABOUT TODAY

[HopeAndFaith]

  thats a pretty good one.

My pastor used this one in one of his teachings a while ago:
Deacon Brown was repainting their little white country church. He soon realized that there was more church to cover than there was paint in the bucket, so he added some water to stretch the supply. After he finished painting and was cleaning the brush, it suddenly began to rain and the diluted paint ran down the walls of the church. Deacon Brown raised his eyes to heaven and said," Oh Lord, what do i do now?" There was a loud clap of thinder followed by a voice from above that boomed, "Repaint, and thin no more."

[Willowbirch]

Some secular nonsense for y'all! Copy and paste the following link to the net:  http://web.icq.com/shockwave/0,,4845,00.swf

Click on each deer!

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to HopeAndFaith,

"Repaint, and thin no more."

   Thanks, I needed that laugh.

In Christ,
Tom

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Brother Forrest,

ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)

   All of it sounds familiar.

By the way, I love your new signature graphic. More and more I'm very thankful "This world is not my home."

In Christ,
Tom

[Brother Love]

thats a pretty good one.

My pastor used this one in one of his teachings a while ago:
Deacon Brown was repainting their little white country church. He soon realized that there was more church to cover than there was paint in the bucket, so he added some water to stretch the supply. After he finished painting and was cleaning the brush, it suddenly began to rain and the diluted paint ran down the walls of the church. Deacon Brown raised his eyes to heaven and said," Oh Lord, what do i do now?" There was a loud clap of thinder followed by a voice from above that boomed, "Repaint, and thin no more."

Good one LOL

Brother Love

[Willowbirch]

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game,  while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers  at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers  till after they give birth in the spring.  Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen- had to be a girl.  We should've known. Only women, while pregnant, would  be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

[Willowbirch]

  -Women over 50 don't have babies because they would put
them down and forget where they left them.

  One of life's mysteries is how a 2 pound box of candy can
make a woman gain 5 lbs.

  My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.

  The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
shoes.

  The nice part about living in a small town is that when
you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.

  The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight
because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

  Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came
today.

  Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain
  consciousness.

  I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept
rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.

  Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks
two sizes!

  Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things
like,  "You know, sometimes I just forget to eat."  Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name,  and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be  a special kind of stupid to forget to eat.

  A friend of mine confused her valium with her birth
control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

  The trouble with some women is that they get all excited
about nothing and then they marry him.

  I read this article that said the typical symptoms of
stress  are: eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too
fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

  I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that
nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

[Willowbirch]

 Blondes Looking for a Christmas Tree in the Forest!

 Two blondes went deep into the frozen forest for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

[Willowbirch]

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday
and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news.
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to
an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously
had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a
question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air.
"He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy. "Really?
How do you! know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the
delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the
church, and the center of attention.
========
"Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of
people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
"Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note. "I've circled this block for 10
years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic
Information Before Leaving Earth.'"
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young
daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments" answered the lady.
========
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he
was going to, after the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular
organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said,
"Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof
repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS
The Dentist's Hymn:.....................Crown Him with Many Crowns

The Weatherman's Hymn..............There Shall Be Showers of Blessings

The Contractor's Hymn:............... The Church's One
Foundation

The Tailor's Hymn:....................... Holy, Holy, Holy

The Golfer's Hymn:...................... There's a Green Hill Far Away

The Politician's Hymn:.................. Standing on the Promises

The Optometrist's Hymn:.............. Open My Eyes That I Might See

The IRS Agent's Hymn:................. I Surrender All

The Gossip's Hymn:.......................Pass It On

The Electrician's Hymn:..................Send The Light

The Shopper's Hymn:.................... Sweet By and By

The Realtor's Hymn:.......................I've Got a Mansion,
Just Over the Hilltop

The Massage Therapists Hymn...... He Touched Me

The Doctor's Hymn:...................... The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway - a few hymns:
-----45mph....................God Will Take Care of You
-----55mph....................Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
-----65mph....................Nearer My God To Thee
-----75mph....................Nearer Still Nearer
-----85mph....................This World Is Not My Home
-----95mph....................Lord, I'm Coming Home
-----Over 100mph...........Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.