Jest for laughs

[Tamara]

Well..I've had a good laugh at that Blackeye!  Poor man...poor wife too when she had to clean the house!!!

Love..Tamara!

[Brother Love]

One of my Favorites:

Eve ate Adam out of House and Home

Brother Love

[Forrest]

 Adam
>
>
>God said, "Go down into that valley." And Adam said, "What's a
>valley?"
>and God explained it to him.
>Then God said, "Cross the river" And Adam said "What's a river?" and
>God
>explained it to him.
>And then God said, "Go over the hill." And Adam said, "What's a
>hill?"
>and God explained it to him.
>Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a
>cave,"
>and Adam said, "What's a cave?" and God explained that to him.
>"In the cave you will find a woman." And Adam said, "What's a
>woman?"
>So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
>And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.
>So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the
>hill, and into the cave, and found the woman. ... and in about five
>minutes
>he was back.
>God said angrily, "What is it now?" And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

[Forrest]

 Blonde Suicide




A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night, with the tip of
her little finger blown off. "How did this happen?", the doctor asked her.

"Well," the blonde replied, "I was depressed, and I was trying to
commit suicide!" The doctor scratched his head. "What? You
tried to commit suicide by shooting your FINGER off??"

"No, silly!" the blonde sighed. "First, I put the gun to my chest.
Then I thought, boy, I just paid $5,000 for these breast
implants, I'm not going to shoot myself in the chest."

"Then I put the gun in my mouth. But I thought, huh, I just
paid $2,500 to get my teeth straightened, no way, I'm not
shooting myself in the mouth." "So then?" asked the doctor.

"Well, then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought, gee,
this is going to make an awful loud noise! So I put my
finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

[Forrest]

>THIS SORT OF HITS HOME
>
>Ya' hear me now?
>An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was
>getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her
>doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing
>checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing
>test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple
>informal test the husband could do to give the doctor
>some idea of the state of her problem.
>
>"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out
>about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal
>conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If
>not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
>get a response."
>
>That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
>dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to
>himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
>
>Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?"
>No response.
>
>So the husband moved to the other end of the room,
>about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"
>Still no response.
>
>Next he moves into the dining room where he is about
>20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
>Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet
>away.
>"Honey, what's for supper?"
>
>Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.
>"Honey, what's for supper?"
>
>(I just love this!)
>
>
>
>
>"Dang  it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
>

[nChrist]

THIS SORT OF HITS HOME

Oklahoma Howdy to Forrest,

    It hits home for me also because my wife has to repeat things all the time.

In Christ,
Tom

[Forrest]

THE POWER OF PRAYER]
>
>
>
>
>-------- Original Message --------
>
> > One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came
> > > upon a large raging, violent river.. They needed to get
> > > to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
> > >
> > > The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give
> > > me the strength to cross this river."
> > > Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
> > > was able to swim across the river in about two hours,
> > > after almost drowning a couple of times.
> > >
> > > Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying,
> > > "Please God, give me the strength...and the tools to
> > > cross this river." Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he
> > > was able to row across the river in about an hour,
> > > after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
> > >
> > > The third man had seen how this worked out for the
> > > other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please
> > > God, give me the strength and the tools...and the
> > > intelligence...to cross this river." And poof! God
> > > turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked
> > > upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across
> > > the bridge.
> > >
> > > SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO
> > > THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!

[sincereheart]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
 

[Willowbirch]

Sincereheart! Shame on you!  

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Sincereheart,

I needed one of those rolling, laughing faces, but I don't find it on my menu. So, I'll have to be content with ROFL.  

In Christ,
Tom

[Brother Love]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson
appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln
appears... Hillary asks, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."
 

LOL Now thats a keeper

Brother Love

[Willowbirch]

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teen's who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed.  This suit will top the 2003 list without question.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R. V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying recreation vehicles.

[Brother Love]

The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's. That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States. Unfortunately, the most recent lawsuit implicating McDonald's, the teen's who allege that eating at McDonald's has made them fat, was filed after the 2002 award voting was closed.  This suit will top the 2003 list without question.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's run away winner was Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R. V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying recreation vehicles.

Thanks Willowbirch

Brother Love

[Forrest]

     Willow that one has me in tears and stiches.

[nChrist]

Oklahoma Howdy to Willowburch,

   The winner just had to be from Oklahoma. Gee Thanks!  

I bet he was a transplant from Texas.  

In Christ,
Tom