Recent Posts

[Car Crashes]

Car Crashes

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged a highly secret plan they had funded with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
     
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Crud!"
     
Only the deep South was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, watch this!"

[I Know Them All]

I Know Them All

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
     
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
     
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "
     
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
     
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
     
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
     
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
     
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
     
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
     
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
     
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
     
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
     
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

[Dirty-six Things A Redneck Won't Say]

Dirty-six Things A Redneck Won't Say

1. "I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex"
2. "Duct tape won't fix that."
3. "Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
4. "We don't keep firearms in this house."
5. "You can't feed that to the dog."
6. "I thought Graceland was tacky."
7. "No kids in the back of the pickup...it's not safe."
8. "Professional wrasslin's fake."
9. "Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?"
10. "We're vegetarians."
11. "Do you think my hair is too big?"
12. "I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
13. "Honey, these bonsai trees need watering."
14. "I don't understand the appeal of NASCAR."
15. "Give me the small bag of pork rinds."
16. "Deer heads detract from the decor."
17. "Spitting is such a nasty habit."
18. "I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today."
19. "Trim the fat off that steak."
20. "Cappuccino tastes better than espresso."
21. "The tires on that truck are too big."
22. "I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
23. "I've got it all on a floppy disk."
24. "Unsweetened tea tastes better."
25. "Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
26. "My fiance is registered at Tiffany's."
27. "I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
28. "She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
29. "Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
30. "Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen."
31. "I don't have a favorite college football team."
32. "Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side."
33. "I believe you cooked those green beans too long."
34. "Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla."
35. "Elvis who?"
36. "Checkmate."

[The Remedy]

The Remedy

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad illness and only a year to live. So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
     
"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80 model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer house and put it halfway up a mountain."
     
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"
     
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have seem like forever."

[In A Redneck Church]

In A Redneck Church

1. People ask, when Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
2. The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," and then five guys and two women stand up.
3. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
4. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
5. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."
6. Boone's Farm "Tickle Pink" is the favorite wine for communion.
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.
10. Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.
11. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
12. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
13. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, ya hear?" (banjo accompaniment optional)

[Mountain Tech Talk]

Mountain Tech Talk

1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.

A Redneck's Love Song

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue
I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
     
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.
     
You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.
     
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.
     
You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
     
On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.
     
Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.
     
Like a good roll of duct tape  yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.
     
Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.
     
Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,
You spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.
     
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
     
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.
     
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
     
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.
     
Some men git roses on that special day from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
     
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.
     
But for this man, honey, these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special, you sweet thang you.
     
I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds...
It's a new troll'n motor!!

The Sandwich

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
     
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too.
     
"The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
     
Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.
     
The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too.
     
The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well.
     
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
     
The Mexican's wife also weeps and says,"I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.
     
"Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

Thanks for the laughs.

Your welcome brother

[_______________________________________________Two Minutes With The BibleFrom The Berean Bible SocietyFree Email SubscriptionFor Questions Or Comments: berean@execpc.com_______________________________________________]

_______________________________________________
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From The Berean Bible Society

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For Questions Or Comments:  berean@execpc.com
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True Liberty
by Pastor Cornelius R. Stam


As true Americans celebrate their liberty, true Christians should rejoice in the even greater liberty which they have in Christ.

Our Lord said: “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” and “If the Son, therefore, shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed” (John 8:32,36). Likewise St. Paul declares that believers in Christ have been made “free from sin” and have become “servants to God,” who deals with us in grace (Rom. 6:22).

It is strange that so many sincere religious people actually wish to be in bondage to the Mosaic Law, which can only judge and condemn them for their sins. Peter called the law: “a yoke… which neither our fathers nor we were able to bear” (Acts 15:10). Paul called it “the handwriting of decrees, that was against us, which was contrary to us” (Col. 2:14). He called it “the ministration of death” and “the ministration of condemnation” (II Cor. 3:7,9).

He challenged those who “desired” to be under the law:

    “Tell me, ye that desire to be under the law, do ye not hear the law?” (Gal. 4:21).

“For as many as are of the works of the law are under the curse; for it is written. Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law, to do them” (Gal. 3:10).

Thank God, “Christ hath redeemed us from the curse of the law, being made a curse for us” (Gal. 3:13). Man always responds better to grace than to law. The law was “added because of transgressions” (Gal. 3:19). “By the law is the knowledge of sin” (Rom. 3:20). But Christ died for our sins and now true believers serve God from gratitude and love. Hence Rom. 6:14 says: “Sin shall not have dominion over you, for ye are not under the law but under grace.” Since Christ has redeemed us from the law (Gal. 4:5) God says to every true believer:

    “Stand fast, therefore, in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage” (Gal. 5:1).