Loving Those Who Hurt You

[Soldier4Christ]

By Martha Matthews

Everyone, at some time in their life, has been hurt by another person.  Sometimes we are able to work through things, forgive and move on.  At other times, try as we might, we are unable to resolve our differences.  Situations like this can be a continuous source of friction if it is with a spouse, family member or co-worker.  When there seems to be no possibility of reconciliation we wonder why God has allowed us to be in this situation.  Could it be that God is trying to teaching us what it means love others unconditionally?

Without Love

1 Corinthians 13:1-7

Jesus was a man whose unconditional love changed lives. You could see it in everything he did.  From the way he healed the sick and disabled to the way he continued to believe in Peter even though Peter denied him.  It's no wonder that people crowded around him wherever he went.

Without love we have no hope of seeing change in our relationships.  Without love we gain nothing.  When a relationship is difficult we want to protect ourselves from being hurt emotionally.  We fight back or avoid the person.  We don't want to love unconditionally.  Yet, the very thing we don't want to do is exactly what will have the most impact on our situation.  Relationships don't get better because people fight to protect themselves or distance themselves.  They get better because one person makes a decision to love the other unconditionally.

A friend of mine (I'll call her Katie) loves to recount the story of how God changed her marriage through teaching her to have unconditional love for her husband Harold.

Their marriage was a turbulent one, to put it mildly.  Fits of rage were the norm.  Katie didn't want a divorce, but she didn't know how to change things.  In desperation Katie turned to the Jesus and became a Christian.  As she humbled herself before the Lord and asked for His help, her heart toward Harold began to change.

Katie began to put 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 into practice.  At first her husband thought she was up to something.  "She was being too nice," he thought.  "She must have an ulterior motive."  Day after day he would try to provoke a fight with her.  The more he hurt her feelings the more she was kind to him.  It frustrated him that she wouldn't retaliate when he antagonized her.  At every turn she met his anger with unconditional love.   A year later he became a Christian, and a few years after that he became a minister.

A Little or a Lot?

Luke 7:47

Do you love much or love little?  Jesus said that if we have been forgiven little we will love little.  Often, it is our pride that stops us from loving others unconditionally.  We want to focus on their sin rather than take a good look at our own heart.  We compare ourselves to the other person thinking, "He really needs to repent of this sin." When we do this we are like the self-righteous Phariseeswe don't see who we really are before God.  We have lost touch with how much Jesus has forgiven us.  How much you love others is in direct proportion to how much you understand all that Jesus has done for you.  We are all equal at the foot of the Cross.

A Humble Heart

Philippians 2:3-4

Unconditionally loving someone who has hurt us is difficult.  How can we change the way we feel?  It begins with changing the way we view ourselves.  In the passage above, the word humility, as written in the original Greek language, is characterized as: 1) having a humble opinion of one's self and 2) a deep sense of one's (moral) littleness [1].  A humble-hearted person sees their short comings and extends the hand of grace to others.  They realize that they are no better than anyone else.

Training Your Heart

Romans 12:12

You may think to yourself, "Loving others unconditionally is so hard to do!"  Yes, it is foreign to us mortals.  But God has shown us that this is what he wants to cultivate in our hearts (Mark 12:30-31).  We need His help to make the change.

Unconditional love starts as a tiny seed in our heart as we become aware that this is God's desire for us.  God plants the seed and then he expects us to do our part by watering it with joy, patience and faith.  You see, your attitude about having a change of heart is very important.  Are you joyful in hope because you know that God is in control?  Are you patient in affliction because you believe that God will take care of the situation in His purpose and timing?  Are you faithful in praying to react to others as the Lord wants you to react?

Don't expect this training to change your heart overnight.  This change of heart will take continual effort on your part to seek God's will in this area of your life.  That is why we are instructed to be "joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer."  It's a life-long pursuit.  The passage about Euodia and Syntyche's disagreement is great example of how it takes time for change to happen in one's heart.  In Philippians 4:2-3 Paul urged the brothers to help these women work out their disagreement.  It appears that they had been working at it for awhile.

Measuring

Luke 6:37-38

God promises that in the same way we treat other people we will be treated.  This is not a condition for salvation but rather a principle set forth by God.  The way we treat people will be how we are treated in return.  These are conditional blessings.  "with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."  I don't know about you but I need as much grace as I can get!  When we begin to realize how much we "blow it" on a regular basis we see how much we need to extend the hand of grace to others.  How much grace are you measuring out to others?  Are you treating others as you would want to be treated?

How much compassion are you measuring out to others?  Step back from your situation for a moment and take a closer look at the person who hurt you.  Do you know what is going on in their life?  What life events have shaped their character?  Most people hurt others because they are suffering inside.  They may have had an abusive childhood, been mistreated by someone they trusted, hurt deeply by someone they loved or they could be under a tremendous amount of stress at work or home.  Not that this is an excuse for their behavior, but it gives you some insight into what makes them the way that they are.  Things are never what they appear to be on the surface.  Jesus had compassion for the sufferings of others.  How about you?

Let God Decide

1 Peter 2:23

Jesus didn't defend himself, make threats or retaliate.  He trusted God to judge each situation justly.  Entrusting yourself to God means much more than patiently waiting and hoping that God will do something on your behalf.  Entrusting yourself to God means being at peace with God's decisions in your life no matter what the outcome.  You no longer desire to attain retribution or vindication.  Instead you desire for God's will to be done, whatever that might be because you know that God has your best interest in mind.

Making a Difference

Romans 12:21

Can loving someone unconditionally make a difference?  You bet it can!  When we're faced with a hostile situation, we have a choice to make: be overcome with evil or overcome evil with good.  Remember my friend Katie?  That is what she did.  She didn't know what God would do about her husband.  She did know that God was trying to help her learn to love unconditionally.  Katie changed and so did her husband.  Why not let God use you to overcome evil with good.

[Shammu]

Somewhere I have a thread, simuliar to this. Still though, it is a great read thank you Pastor Roger.

[Soldier4Christ]

The Heart to Forgive

By Martha Matthews

Matthew 18: 21-35  Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?"  Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." (NIV)

It is one thing to "say" that we forgive someone, it is quite another to actually do it.  Forgiveness is not a state of mind; it is a state of the heart.  Being able to forgive someone from a heart level is not something that comes to us naturally.  If it did, God wouldn't have mentioned it so many times in the Bible.  The challenge that we face is in getting our hearts to a point where we can accomplish this.

It Takes Faith

Luke 17:3-5 "So watch yourselves. If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." The apostles said to the Lord, "Increase our faith!"
He replied, "If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mulberry tree, 'Be uprooted and planted in the sea,' and it will obey you." (NIV)

Have you ever thought that you understood what God wanted from you only to realize that His expectation was much higher?  Jesus' disciples thought they knew what it took to forgive.  When their eyes were opened to the depth of forgiveness Jesus was really expecting them to have, they were challenged to the core of their being.  That's why they cried, "Increase our faith!"

Faith is an essential part of forgiveness.  We must first believe that it is possible to forgive someone, no matter what the circumstances.  Many times I have said to myself, "I just can't forgive."  "I am too hurt."  In essence what I am saying is that I don't believe that God can change my heart so that I can forgive.

Jesus shows us that with only a little faith we can make big things happen.  Do you believe that God will help you to forgive?

It Takes Prayer

Matthew 7:8-11  "For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" (NIV)

God loves His children and wants only the very best for them.  He wants us to have the refreshing and revitalizing freedom that forgiving others can bring to us.  He doesn't want us to go around weighed down with sorrow or anger.  He is always eager to help.  All we need to do is ask.

It Takes Trust

Romans 8:28  And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. (NIV)

Knowing that God always has our best in mind through every situation is a great comfort.  Even though it may not feel like God loves us at the time, there is always a reason behind even the bad things that happen to us.  Though we may not be able to see the good in a bad situation, we can be assured that God has promised that he will work all things out for our best.  We just need to be patient and wait for God's plan for our lives to unfold.

Take the life of Joseph for example.  At 17 he was sold into slavery by his brothers, was falsely accused of rape and spent three years living in the inhumane conditions of an Egyptian prison.  You would think his heart would have been very hard and unforgiving when he met up with his brothers 13 years later.  Yet, he not only forgave them, but he gave glory to God when he testified how God had used the whole situation to accomplish a greater good.

Genesis 45: -8  "And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you. For two years now there has been famine in the land, and for the next five years there will not be plowing and reaping. But God sent me ahead of you to preserve for you a remnant on earth and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So then, it was not you who sent me here, but God. He made me father to Pharaoh, lord of his entire household and ruler of all Egypt."

Joseph put his trust in God through every hurt and injustice that he endured.  His trust in God protected his heart from getting hard and allowed him to be able to forgive his brothers.

It Takes Remembering

Ephesians 4: 31-32  Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. (NIV)

In order to forgive we need to remember how much God has forgiven us.  When we grasp the depth and breadth of God's incredible love and forgiveness toward us, we are motivated to forgive others.  We understand who we really are before God; that we are just as wretched as everyone else.  Only our pride and self-righteousness will cause us think otherwise.  Taking a serious inventory of our own sins will usually help put things into perspective.  God is kind, compassionate and abounding in love.  He does not treat us as our sins deserve.  This is the heart that He calls us to imitate in Him.

It Takes Love

Romans 12:21 "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (NIV)

Another key to changing our heart is by overcoming evil with good.  In my own struggle to forgive I have put this principle into practice and I can attest to the fact that it does change one's heart.  When someone hurts you, especially if they have done something terrible, the last thing they expect is for you to show them kindness.  But, by responding in love you can overcome the evil that has been done.  So often those who hurt us are hurting themselves.  Love has a power the world does not understand.  It is the way of the cross; that opposite way of responding to evil that flies in the face of the way the world would have us deal with people.

Something that helps me to be able to do this is to remember that Jesus understands my suffering.  He shared in our humanity (Hebrews 2:5-18) and knows what it is like to be mistreated.  When I think about all the things that people did to him and how he did not retaliate but overcame evil with good, I know that this is the heart I need to strive to have.

As you put these principals into practice it may seem awkward at first.  You may wonder if it is really going to work.  You may ask yourself, "How do I know when I have truly forgiven someone from my heart?"  You will know that you have completely forgiven the person, from your heart, when the anger and hurt is replaced by peace.  When your heart is at rest, then you will know that you have forgiven them completely.

[angelmom]

I don't have anything to add to this post but it sure ws what Ineeded to read. I need to learn to apply all this to my life and in my heart. Took me many years to forgive and have a love for the lady who killed my daughter. Sometimes it is still hard. I know if I am forgiven of my sins than she will be forgiven if she asks GOD to forgive her and I must do the same.

Hard thing to do for me in this situation.......but through JESUS CHRIST...........All things are possiable........

Thanks for posting this, I feel like it was ment just for me.
angelmom

[Soldier4Christ]

Amen sister,

It is hard to forgive those that have hurt us in such a horrible way. Yes all things are possible with the one that gave His life for us all. Praise God for His wonderful mercies.