Poetry brings deliverance

My journey to know Jesus Christ was through possibly the same route as many others.

I was diagnosed with Manic Depression in 1990. Over a period of ten years I was in and out a psychiatric hospital frequently, I went through many stages shame, guilt, non-acceptance and now a moving on to gradual acceptance not just of that area of my life but many others too

In 1997 I became suicidal and I believed that if I did not change my life I would end it. I had a friend who was a Christian and I reached out in desperation to God after one of many conversations with her. In the beginning the simplicity of God's forgiveness, was too much for me there had to be so much more, surely I had to do a great deal for God to accept me.

I tried! Becoming iller and iller trying to fathom out grace and what it meant to me, questions and answers constantly going through my mind, all relevant answers tossed away, as too simplistic. The concepts of love and forgiveness lost upon me.

In 2000 I picked up a pen and began writing initially to help me to come to terms with the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was faced with on a daily basis. The words flowed freely and helped me greatly.

It is very difficult to have a mental illness and talk about my faith in Jesus as it was often considered as part of my illness. My poems grew out of my frustration at not knowing who to talk to about my beliefs.

My thirst to write poetry came from many angles, mainly to hear my own voice and have it acknowledged.

Confidence in myself and my poems grew and I began to show them to others. I was told that they could possibly help those in a similar position, and perhaps those struggling to help someone they love. People also told me that they could relate to what they read. For me at that time in my life it was easier to express myself on paper than in actual words.

Exploring my feelings and experiences daily through my writing has enabled to greatly move on my journey from an abusive past to a place where I am beginning to accept life's ups and downs. I believe that God gave me the energy to write the words I needed to purge the depth of my hurt, Know that my words affect people in many different ways who are of have been in a similar position to me. Mental illness is very much a taboo today as it was centuries ago. I believe that sharing a part of my life and my words will help to change some of the ways that we all regard people with mental health issues in the world today.

People have asked me if I consider myself to be cured, healed or recovered and the answer is no, I believe I am as many of us are, “a work in progress” daily I have the opportunity to look at aspects in my life, how I deal with them is up to, hopefully I will learn something, but if I don't there will perhaps be a chance tomorrow. Are any of us truly healed?

I began exploring some aspects of my life a while ago but I have to say the combination of the power of the pen, the written word and faith has been the most fulfilling.

Through writing “Poems of Survival” I was able to explore areas of my life that I had buried deep into my subconscious like childhood sexual abuse, suicide, abortion and death. Writing them down was difficult but I could no longer run from their profound affects upon me, they needed dealing with.

Due to my past I felt great shame, the publication of “Poems of Survival” blew the lid off this. In airing my life in public allowed me to, eventually, cast off the shame and guilt that I had carried for many years, walls that were built around me and between those I grew up with were smashed. Over time we are beginning to develop relationships, not built upon all that was bad among us. I know this process is a gradual one. My recovery is slow, I understand that God is thorougher so I am beginning to learn patience.

Through my words I am beginning to reach out to others, I am going to groups to talk about my experiences and read some of my poems. The feedback has been encouraging.

My first book “Poems of Survival” embodies a great deal of pain whilst my second “Depression Ate my Soul” is more about moving on.

I will continue to write as I know that God is helping me greatly whilst I believe through my words He is also touching others.