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Author Topic: When Squirrels Attack!  (Read 4371 times)
Forrest
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« on: May 19, 2004, 01:31:42 AM »

: When Squirrels Attack!
>
> We always knew there was something sinister about squirrels...
>
> Neighborhood Hazard (or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street Anymore)
>
> I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential
> neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect...
>
> I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and
slow
> traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from
under it
> and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
>
> It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when
it
> encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no
time to brake
> or avoid it - it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really
hate it on
> a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had
time to brace
> for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can
take care of
> themselves!
>
> Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing
on his
> hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his
little beady
> eyes. His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and
leapt! I am
> pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you
gravy-sucking,
> heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular ... as he shot
straight up,
> flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest.
>
> Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he
> brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack. Snarling, hissing,
and tearing
> at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a
light t-shirt,
> summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern.
This furry
> little tornado was doing some damage! Picture a large man on a huge black
and chrome
> cruiser, dressed in jeans, a t-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at
maybe 25 mph
> down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a
squirrel. And
> losing...
>
> I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally
managed to
> snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the
left of the
> bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw.
That should
> have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should
have. The
> squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone
on about
> his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the
wiser.
>
> But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary
gotcha8ed-off
> squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH !
>
> Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with
the
> force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an
amazing impact,
> he landed squarely on my back and resumed his rather anti-social and
extremely
> distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him!
The situation
> was not improved. Not improved at all. His attacks were continuing, and
now I could
> not reach him.
>
> I was startled to say the least. The combination of the force of the
throw,
> only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my
jerking back
> unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the
throttle. A
> healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result.
Torque. This is
> what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The
engine roared
> and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger.
The Valkyrie
> screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in ... well ... I just plain screamed.
>
> Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a
> slightly squirrel-torn-t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and
roaring at maybe
> 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one
wheel and with
> a demonic squirrel on his back.
>
> The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder. With the sudden
> acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and
try to get
> control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own
devices, but I
> really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car.
Also, I had
> not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just
simply
> overloaded.
>
> I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the
> massive power of the big cruiser. About this time the squirrel decided
that I was not
> paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he is an
evil mutant
> NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE
my
> full-face helmet with me.
>
> As the faceplate closed partway, he began hissing in my face. I am quite
sure
> my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel,
however. The
> RPMs on The Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at
the moment)
> so her front end started to drop. Now picture a large man on a huge black
and chrome
> cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly-torn t-shirt, wearing only one
leather
> glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy
squirrel's
> tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet.
>
> By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse. Finally I got the
> upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my
helmet, and
> slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked... sort-of.
> Spectacularly sort-of... so to speak.
>
> Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off
on a
> quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some
paperwork.
> Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in
jeans, a torn
> t-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove,
moving at
> probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by and
with all his
> strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
>
> I heard screams. They weren't mine... I managed to get the big motorcycle
under
> control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum
braking and
> skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy
cross street. I
> would have returned to fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would
have.
> Really. Except for two things. First, the cops did not seem interested or
the
> slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the
doors on both
> sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger
side was on
> his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving
away from the
> car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street
and was
> aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
>
> So the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the
> professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other? Well, I
could clearly
> see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat.
But I could
> also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist
at me,
> shooting me the finger...
>
> That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat
> shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
>
> I took a deep breath, turned on my turn signal, made a gentle right turn
off of
> Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best
to just buy
> myself a new pair of gloves, and some Band-Aids.

          AND THE ANIMAL RIGHTS NUTS WANTS TO BAN HUNTING
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« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2004, 02:09:24 AM »

ROFL
Thats great........
Be afraid of the Teenage ninja muntant Squirrel.
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JudgeNot
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« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2004, 10:42:06 AM »

Beware!


They are watching!
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« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2004, 11:02:18 AM »

 Grin   Grin   Grin  Brother Forrest, that has to be the joke of the month. Thanks - I needed that laugh!

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Shylynne
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« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2004, 06:55:18 PM »

We always knew there was something sinister about squirrels...


ROFL!
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« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2004, 07:04:10 PM »

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« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2004, 03:00:46 PM »

Thanks for the laugh!  That was an awesome story.  Do you mind if I print this out and take it to deer camp next November?   Cheesy
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« Reply #7 on: June 01, 2004, 10:28:50 PM »

    I got it in E-MAIL so go ahead.
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« Reply #8 on: January 19, 2005, 04:38:45 PM »

Sorry for barging in the mens room but I have to say when I read this I laughed till I cried!! Thanks for making my day...I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.  Do you mind if I send this to some of my friends. Ok ok I'm leaving now
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« Reply #9 on: February 01, 2005, 06:28:34 PM »

Here's another good squirrel story...[sorry, link no longer valid]
« Last Edit: October 15, 2007, 12:12:32 PM by kdr22 » Logged

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« Reply #10 on: January 17, 2006, 06:12:47 PM »

The Mississippi Squirrel Revival
By Ray Stevens

Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip every summer down the Mississippi
To visit my granny in her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long climbin' trees free as a song
And one day I happened to catch myself a squirrel
Well, I stuffed him down in an old shoe box, punched a couple of holes in the top
And when Sunday came I snuck him into Church
I was sittin' way back in the very last pew showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk
Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was heaven others thought it was hell
But the fact that something was among us was plain to see
As the choir sang "I Surrender All" the squirrel ran up Harv Newlan's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said, "Somethin's got a hold on me", Yeow!

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had religion others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a weed eater loose in his Fruit-Of-The-Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg and the squirrel ran out of his britches leg
Unobserved to the other side of the room
All the way down to the amen pew where sat Sister Bertha better-than-you
Who'd been watchin' all the commotion with sadistic glee
But you should've seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs
She jumped to her feet and said "Lord have mercy on me"
As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess to sins that would make a sailor blush with shame
She told of gossip and church dissension but the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life and then she started naming names

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!

Well seven deacons and the pastor got saved,
Twenty-five thousand dollars was raised and fifty volunteered
For missions in the Congo on the spot
Even without an invitation there were at least five hundred rededications
And we all got baptized whether we needed it or not
Now you've heard the bible story I guess
How he parted the waters for Moses to pass
Oh the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dyin' day
Is how he put that Church back on the narrow way
With a half crazed Mississippi squirrel

Chorus

    The day the squirrel went berserk
    In the First Self-Righteous Church
    In the sleepy little town of Pascagoula
    It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival
    They was jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah!
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Soldier4Christ
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« Reply #11 on: January 17, 2006, 06:17:49 PM »

I've always loved that song and sometimes thought of implementing it into a service to wake some people up and get the fires going.

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spectre260
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« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2006, 07:25:59 PM »

Can  I have the chords of that song? I wanna play it at the church!
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« Reply #13 on: March 10, 2006, 10:04:58 PM »

Can  I have the chords of that song? I wanna play it at the church!
Here you go spectre..................... Grin

Mississippi Squirrel Revival
Lyrics and Chords


Well, when I was a kid I'd take a trip
Every summer, down to Mississip'
To visit my Granny and her antebellum world
I'd run barefooted all day long
Climbin' trees, free as a song
One day I happened to catch myself a squirrel

/ E - / A - / B7 - E - / :

Well I stuffed him down in an old shoe box
And punched a couple holes in the top
When Sunday came, I snuck him into church
I's sittin' way back in the very last pew
Showin' him to my good buddy Hugh
When that squirrel got loose and went totally berserk

Well, what happened next is hard to tell
Some thought it was Heaven, others thought it was Hell
But the fact that somethin' was among us was plain to see
As the choir sang "I surrender all"
The squirrel run up Harv Newman's coveralls
Harv leaped to his feet and said
"Somethin's got ahold of me! Yow!"

{Refrain}
The day the squirrel went berserk
In the First Self-Righteous Church
In that sleepy little town of Pascagoula, Pascagoula
It was a fight for survival
That broke out in revival
They were jumpin' pews and shoutin' Hallelujah, Hallelujah

/ E - / A - / B7 - E B7 / E - / A - / B7 - E - /

Well, Harv hit the aisles dancin' and screamin'
Some thought he had religion, others thought he had a demon
And Harv thought he had a Weed Eater loose in his Fruit of the Looms
He fell to his knees to plead and beg
And the squirrel ran out of his britches' leg
Unobserved, to the other side of the room

All the way down to the "amen pew"
Where sat sister Bertha Better-Than-You
Who'd been watching all the commotion with sadistic glee
But you shoulda seen the look in her eyes
When that squirrel jumped her garters and crossed her thighs
And she jumped to her feet and said
"Lord, have mercy on me!"

As the squirrel made laps inside her dress
She began to cry and then to confess
To sins that would make a sailor blush with shame
She told of gossip and church dissention
But the thing that got the most attention
Was when she talked about her love life, and then she started naming names

{Refrain}

Well, seven Deacons and the Pastor got saved
And twenty five thousand dollars got raised
And fifty volunteered for missions in the Congo on the spot
And even without an invitation
There were at least five hundred rededications
And we all got rebaptized, whether we needed it or not

Now you've heard the Bible story, I guess
How He parted the waters for Moses to pass
O, the miracles God has wrought in this old world
But the one I'll remember 'til my dying day
Is how He put that church back on the narrow way
With a half-crazed Mississippi squirrel

{Refrain twice}
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spectre260
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« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2006, 07:13:26 AM »

Thanks!!! This will keep new comers awake!!!
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