CHRISTIAN JOKES/ NOT FOR PHARISEES

[Kristi Ann]

OMGosh these are very funny Brother Love!!

May I use some of them at Kristi Ann's Haven?!  I think humor is one of the best medicines.

Blessings Bro,  \o/

KristiAnn

[artputey]

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are your Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, Me too! Are your Episcopalian or Baptist? He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are your Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord? He said, Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are your Original Baptist Church of God or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.

***********************************

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
      One driver who drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"

      All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, "You think maybe we should have just said 'Bridge Out' instead?"

*************************************

An atheist was walking through the woods one day, admiring all that evolution had created.  Suddenly he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw an 8 foot grizzly bear beginning to charge toward him.
 
     He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him  Running faster yet, he looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding in his chest. He tried to run faster. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
 
     As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.  The atheist cried..."GOD DAMN!..."  

     Time stopped.  The bear froze.  The forest was silent.  Even the river stopped moving.  As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from the sky.

     "YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT.  NOW, YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU AND DAMN THIS BEAR?    AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A CHRISTIAN?"

    The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "Why don't you try and make the bear a Christian?"
     "VERY WELL," said the voice.  The light went out.   The river ran.   The sounds of the forest resumed.   ... and the bear dropped down to his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
 

[nChrist]

ArtPutey,

       Thanks!! - I needed those laughs.

Tom

[artputey]

Don't mention it.

[grommie]

ROFLOL!   me too me too ROFLOL

that first one PRICELESS!   You, though you may not B aware of it, really teaching me something there.

usually the first question i ask is What Denomination are you.  Basically because it helps me know where they are in their walk.  Though always not a good idea.  roflol

[artputey]

Who me? I'm an atheist

[Brother Love]

Who me? I'm an atheist

Is that your Religion

<))><

[artputey]

Er, not quite...

[Brother Love]

Er, not quite...

Are you sure?

<))><

[Brother Love]

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.


 

[Brother Love]

Vanity Insanity

The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."  

[Brother Love]

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do Father."

The priest said, "Leave this pub right now!"  He then approached a second man.  "Do you want to got to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.  "Then leave this den of Satan!" said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole replied: "No, I don't Father."

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, "You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole smiled, "Oh, when I die.  Yes Father.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."  


 

[Brother Love]

Look!


 

 

Three buddies die in a car crash, they go to heaven and St. Peter asks them, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are  mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"  

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor, and a great family man."  

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."  

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say........."LOOK, HE'S MOVING!"

[nChrist]

Brother Love,

       ROFL  -  I must remember to tell my wife that I'm moving.

[Brother Love]

Brother Love,

       ROFL  -  I must remember to tell my wife that I'm moving.

Same here Bro, LOL