CHRISTIAN JOKES/ NOT FOR PHARISEES

[Brother Love]

The Bible Salesman

A man came into a shop with a 'Salesman Wanted' sign in a window.

He went up to the owner and said, "I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b."

"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment," said the owner.

"I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!" said the man.

"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.

So the man went out and came back an hour later.

"H-here-sss your m-m-money." said the man.

The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out.

The man came back in two hours and said, "Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money."

The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?"

"W-welllll," said the man, "I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say 'H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w- want t-t-t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m'me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?"

[Brother Love]

Little Logan and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.

[Brother Love]

I Come Quickly  

With sermon preparations and anxiety, the new preacher had gotten very little sleep the week before he was to address his flock for the first time; so by Sunday morning, he was both exhausted and extremely nervous. Nevertheless, he managed to make it up the few steps onto the platform and into the pulpit. However, he had barely begun his presentation when everything he had planned to say flew right out of his mind. In fact, his mind went totally blank. Then he remembered that in seminary they had taught him what to do if a situation like this ever arose:

"Repeat your last point, and let it remind you of what's coming next."
Figuring this advice couldn't hurt, he recalled the very last thing he'd said, and repeated it:

"Behold," he quoted, "I come quickly." Still his mind was blank. He thought he'd better try it again: "Behold, I come quickly." Still nothing.

He tried it one more time - but in his panic, he pronounced the words with such force that he lost his balance, fell forward, knocked the pulpit to one side, tripped over a flower arrangement, and fell into the lap of a little old lady in the front row. Flustered and embarrassed, he picked himself up, apologized profusely, and started to explain what had just happened.

"That's all right, young man," said the little old lady kindly. "It
was my fault, really. You told me three times you were on your way down here. I should have just gotten out of your way!"

[Brother Love]

The new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it  seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated  knocks at the door. He took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back  and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his  card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis  3:10." Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for  I was naked."





Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are!

[His_child]

These are hilarious!

[Warrior For Christ]

These are hilarious!

hilarious

[Shylynne]

A joke thread in the debate thread at Christians Unite making 'other' religions besides your own the butt of the jokes?  

I see nothing  to debate here other than your motives Brother, which begs the question,  is this just a way for you to mock and degrade  those  you don`t agree with?  I see it as such, and  regardless of your intent, I fail to see the humor here,  as I have failed to see Gods love being shown to those of other denominations  in many of these threads.

It concerns me that most people consider their denomination, or whichever church they are affiliated with, their family, and usually if you attack a man`s family he/she will take it very personally, and quickly turn a deaf ear to anything else you have to say that may, or may not be said out of genuine love and concern. This can create a huge stumbling block for some, especially the 'little ones'  in Christ, who in all sincerity have hearts that desire after God, and have found the open door to God in any particular religion.  It is surely possible to show me 'truth' versus 'error' in something my parents may have taught or  failed to teach me, without tearing down my parents.  We are to build upon one anothers faith, not tear down one anothers families.

Religions may be debatable (tho I regard all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour as part of His family and as my brother and sister),  belief and doctrine are definately debatable, but  God`s commandment to have and show unfeigned love towards His own is not.  

The whole of Matthew 18  calls for some serious reflection by all of us on  being ever careful, ever mindful,   not to offend little ones in Christ,  for according to that passage God wont treat our offences lightly. Without question there are many 'little ones' passing thru the corridors of CU,  I  pray they are not offended by how we profess to know God and His love, yet lack  the charity towards one another that would prove our claim true, perhaps forever turning them away from wanting any part of Christianity.  This is not a joking matter.

LOL

You sure do have a lot of HOT AIR

You must be one of those PENTECOSTALS

Brother Love

   <))><

For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins. Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall, and you will receive a rich welcome into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. (2 Peter 1:5-11)NIV

[BUTCHA]

A joke thread in the debate thread at Christians Unite making 'other' religions besides your own the butt of the jokes?  

I see nothing  to debate here other than your motives Brother, which begs the question,  is this just a way for you to mock and degrade  those  you don`t agree with?  I see it as such, and  regardless of your intent, I fail to see the humor here,  as I have failed to see Gods love being shown to those of other denominations  in many of these threads.

It concerns me that most people consider their denomination, or whichever church they are affiliated with, their family, and usually if you attack a man`s family he/she will take it very personally, and quickly turn a deaf ear to anything else you have to say that may, or may not be said out of genuine love and concern. This can create a huge stumbling block for some, especially the 'little ones'  in Christ, who in all sincerity have hearts that desire after God, and have found the open door to God in any particular religion.  It is surely possible to show me 'truth' versus 'error' in something my parents may have taught or  failed to teach me, without tearing down my parents.  We are to build upon one anothers faith, not tear down one anothers families.

Religions may be debatable (tho I regard all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour as part of His family and as my brother and sister),  belief and doctrine are definately debatable, but  God`s commandment to have and show unfeigned love towards His own is not.  

The whole of Matthew 18  calls for some serious reflection by all of us on  being ever careful, ever mindful,   not to offend little ones in Christ,  for according to that passage God wont treat our offences lightly. Without question there are many 'little ones' passing thru the corridors of CU,  I  pray they are not offended by how we profess to know God and His love, yet lack  the charity towards one another that would prove our claim true, perhaps forever turning them away from wanting any part of Christianity.  This is not a joking matter.

your right with what you have to say . ive been saying it for 2 months. but the jokes are funny to bad they werent from tibby . its hard to give brother love credit for being funny.
but sorry guys i got to do it these are funny jokes

[nChrist]

A joke thread in the debate thread at Christians Unite making 'other' religions besides your own the butt of the jokes?  

I see nothing  to debate here other than your motives Brother, which begs the question,  is this just a way for you to mock and degrade  those  you don`t agree with?  I see it as such, and  regardless of your intent, I fail to see the humor here,  as I have failed to see Gods love being shown to those of other denominations  in many of these threads.

It concerns me that most people consider their denomination, or whichever church they are affiliated with, their family, and usually if you attack a man`s family he/she will take it very personally, and quickly turn a deaf ear to anything else you have to say that may, or may not be said out of genuine love and concern. This can create a huge stumbling block for some, especially the 'little ones'  in Christ, who in all sincerity have hearts that desire after God, and have found the open door to God in any particular religion.  It is surely possible to show me 'truth' versus 'error' in something my parents may have taught or  failed to teach me, without tearing down my parents.  We are to build upon one anothers faith, not tear down one anothers families.

Religions may be debatable (tho I regard all those who accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour as part of His family and as my brother and sister),  belief and doctrine are definately debatable, but  God`s commandment to have and show unfeigned love towards His own is not.  

The whole of Matthew 18  calls for some serious reflection by all of us on  being ever careful, ever mindful,   not to offend little ones in Christ,  for according to that passage God wont treat our offences lightly. Without question there are many 'little ones' passing thru the corridors of CU,  I  pray they are not offended by how we profess to know God and His love, yet lack  the charity towards one another that would prove our claim true, perhaps forever turning them away from wanting any part of Christianity.  This is not a joking matter.

LOL

You sure do have a lot of HOT AIR

You must be one of those PENTECOSTALS

Brother Love

   <))><

Brother, I think that is a sad way to talk to a sister in Christ, especially considering her valid and Biblical post.

Love In Christ,
Tom

[Brother Love]

A Priest and a Rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still
a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our
faith."

The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The Priest replied, "Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The Rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes and then said, "Beats the heckl out of a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"    

[Brother Love]

Three churches - Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another. The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families." The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families." The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!"

[Tibby]

Hahaha, that last one was great!

[Brother Love]

Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
"Father, I have problem. I have two female parrots, but
they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest replied! But I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking
parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put
them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can
teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase . . . in
no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well
be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the
priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his
two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and
placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes,
the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot
looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,

"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!"    

[Brother Love]

WHO MAKES COFFEE IN YOUR HOUSE?


Did you know it's not right for a woman to make coffee?


Yup, it's in the Bible!


It says.............



"HEBREWS!"

[Tibby]

WHO MAKES COFFEE IN YOUR HOUSE?


Did you know it's not right for a woman to make coffee?


Yup, it's in the Bible!


It says.............



"HEBREWS!"

Jokes like that are the reason I pray for Nuclear Holocaust in the next 2 minutes.