2016 Political Jokes

[Shammu]

CLOCKS

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. The man asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?" asked the man.
"Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan".

[Shammu]

If con is the opposite of pro,
then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress??
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The Pentagon announced that its fight against ISIS will be called Operation Inherent Resolve. They came up with that name using Operation Random Thesaurus.
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"NASA said this week it has received a record high number of 18,000 applications for their astronaut training program.
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NASA said it shows a growing interest in space exploration. Then people said, "Nah, we just wanna get off the planet before this election.'" 

[Shammu]

"Donald Trump said last night that despite calling Ted Cruz a 'maniac,' he has since learned that Cruz has a 'wonderful temperament.' And if Donald Trump thinks you have a 'wonderful temperament,' you're probably a maniac."
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"They did a nationwide survey that found that when voters think of Donald Trump, the most common word that comes to mind is 'Arrogant.' When the same voters think of Hillary Clinton, the most common word they use is 'Liar.' When they think of Jeb Bush, the first word that comes to mind is 'Bush.' Voters don't even care enough about Jeb Bush to come up with a word to describe him."
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"Hillary Clinton has temporarily changed her campaign logo to rainbow colors in support of marriage equality. Of course, her idea of marriage equality is both of you should get to be president."

[Shammu]

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first night in the White House as President.

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie,"

Ouch! Says Hillary, I don't know about that.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people,"

Ho! I really don't want to do that.

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears...Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater." 

[nChrist]

       

Thanks - I needed those laughs.

[Shammu]

"Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer."
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"Ohio Governor John Kasich became the 16th Republican to announce that he is running for president. During his speech he referred to Jesus Christ, which is ironic because so did Americans when they heard another Republican was running for president."
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"Mike Huckabee said he's the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who's the only person who fought a fax machine and lost."

[Shammu]

"Bernie Sanders made around $2,000 last year for two speeches and a TV appearance, compared to the $25 million the Clintons made. Making him the first person in history to run for president just because he really needs the money."
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"In an interview yesterday, Lindsey Graham discussed his foreign policy and said if people are worn out by war, quote, 'Don't vote for me.' Graham's supporters appreciate his honesty, while his opponents appreciate the sound bite they can use in their attack ads."
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"On the Republican side, today former Texas Governor Rick Perry announced he is running for president. While growing up he wanted to be a veterinarian, but his grades weren't good enough. Luckily for us, now he wants to be in charge of people."

[Shammu]

"During a speech on Friday, Senator Ted Cruz said that if you walk up to someone and say 'Joe Biden,' the person will crack up laughing. Which is the same reaction you get if you say 'President Ted Cruz.”
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"Yesterday in Iowa just four supporters showed up to eat lunch with Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum. It's always a bad sign when your entire voter base can fit in a deli booth."
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"Donald Trump said over the weekend that his decision whether to run for president is going to make a lot of people very happy. That's too bad. I was hoping he would run."

[Shammu]

Bernie Sanders' presidential campaign announced that it raised over $1.5 million in the 24 hours after he announced his bid. Meanwhile, a 12-year-old on Kickstarter just raised $7 million in five minutes after announcing his idea for juice box water guns."
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"Today MS Fiorina announced that she is running for president. Someone else bought 'Car#@iorina.org' and posted 30,000 sad emoticons to represent all the people she laid off at Hewlett-Packard. I haven't seen that many sad, blank faces in one place since the Mayweather-Pacquiao fight."

[Shammu]

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will begin fundraising for a potential 2016 presidential campaign by the end of January. No word on what his platform will be, but if I know Christie it'll be really strong, maybe double reinforced steel."
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"It's rumored that Chris Christie and Mitt Romney are planning to meet to overcome any lingering awkwardness from the 2012 election. Incidentally, 'Lingering Awkwardness' was actually Mitt Romney's Secret Service code name."
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"Potential presidential candidate Jeb Bush will release a decade's worth of tax returns to avoid comparisons to Mitt Romney. Yeah, they're nothing alike. They're just both former governors from wealthy families whose parents gave them super-weird names."

[nChrist]

       

Thanks - I needed those laughs.

[Shammu]

Donald Trump said yesterday that if he's elected, he would 'probably not talk as much.' That's right, if Donald Trump is elected, even HE will be speechless.
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In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced 'The Godfather' and said his nickname used to be 'Veto Corleone' because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you're the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn't bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst.

[Shammu]

According to an email from his staff, Donald Trump is set to announce on June 16 whether he will run for president. Seriously? At this point, Donald Trump announcing whether he's running for president is like soccer's World Cup — it happens every four years and no one in America cares.
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Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially announced that he's running for president. Cruz said that after doing exhaustive research to see if he had a real chance to win, he said, 'I'm gonna run anyway.
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Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham, who is single, said today that if elected he will have a 'rotating first lady.' Even creepier, he said it on Tinder.

[Shammu]

Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going to run for president in 2016. I'm telling you, this announcement sent shock waves through no one.
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Hellary Clinton is the leading presidential contender for the Democrats. Former Clinton aide John Podesta said Helllary will highlight her differences with President Obama if she runs. The biggest difference: Hellary is still interested in being president."
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In an interview with Diane Sawyer, Hellary Clinton said she would make her decision on running for president 'by the end of the year.' Specifically, the year 1998.

[Shammu]

Hillary Clinton said she wants to travel this year, and won't make any announcements about her plans to run for president until 2015. When asked where she'll travel, she said, 'New Hampshire, Iowa, and maybe spend a few months in Florida.
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In an interview Hillary Clinton said that she and her husband were dead broke when they left the White House. Hillary said things were so bad, the two of them needed to share a bedroom.
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It's really starting to look like Hillary Clinton's going to run. The digital team behind both of President Obama's campaigns is already preparing for a Hillary Clinton run. They're starting early because they've got to delete 10 years of Bill Clinton's browser history.