Problem in the Family

[brotherinlaw]

I have a long standing problem with my sister’s husband and now with her as well.  I would like to know what the Bible says about it and what I should do.  Here is the story:

I program computers for a living, for hospitals self-employed, and really enjoy it.  I have always been a Mathematical whiz and programming is like solving puzzles that I personally like.

As we were growing up, my father was very passive, never angry, and the whole family was somewhat passive.  My wife’s psychiatrist told her a few years ago that I am, “one of the most laid-back, free-spirited people you’ll ever meet.”

However, my mother nagged my father relentlessly (he has no real friends, he embarrasses me so much we can’t have friends, he’s a lousy businessman who “bankrupted the store”, his family is crazy), which he simply accepted.  She said his friends are using him and associate with him only because of the nice clothes she bought him and the store (their TV repair business) that she built.  He gave her the paid-for townhouse and savings, and worked in restaurants in his 70’s to pay her bills and rent for his nearby apartment.  She denied that he paid her bills and that she had all of the property and savings, once saying it costs her more to maintain the free townhouse than he pays for rent.

She went into a long tirade when a woman asked her to move down in a movie theatre.  When her car paint started peeling, she said her neighbor was scratching the car, filmed it with a movie camera (nothing happened) and sued him.  When she saw a bruise on my brother’s son, she said, “(His mother) whips him . . . He has bruises all over his body where she beats on him.”  When she lost something (plane tickets, movie camera, doll collection) she said her children’s spouses stole it and when she found it she said they snuck it back.  She often became upset at store clerks and restaurants.  She would falsely say she had no money to get people to buy her presents.  Later in life she started hearing voices.

My sister was happy, loving and affectionate.  We played video games at arcades and board games on the floor together.  However, she defended our mother’s treatment of our father, saying, “He doesn’t support her.”, and objected when I told our mother to be nice to Dad.  Even when I helped them fix a communications problem (he wasn’t hearing her) my sister objected.

After my sister married Bob, everything changed.  She reversed from liberal activist in college (just like me) to ultra conservative.  For the first time ever quarrels broke out.  She’d murmur to  herself, “Those liberals.”, refer to me as, “That’s the way he is.” and leave in an angry huff.

Whenever I succeed or her husband fails, he tells people that I am really failing and he is really succeeding.  We jogged and he had to stop after a few blocks.  (He’s 10 years younger than me.)  I gave my father a movie camera.  I have a successful business.  He has a temper problem including shouting at his young daughter, “You stupid thing!  You let the (expletive removed) turtle in!” when a baby turtle crawled in while she was washing the back porch, and on occasions shaking his fists at people including strangers in public and at me for saying a quiet “Shh” to him.  All of this was turned against me.

My sister and Bob tell my mother and friends that I went broke in the stock market buying risky stocks (when I changed phone numbers and she found out my number was disconnected), my writing software for hospitals makes health care costs go up, I make people poor, I got into fights with people but he gets along with everyone, I don’t have any friends, I do the work of the devil, I act up because my job is stressful, he’s going to buy a better but cheaper movie camera than the one I gave Dad and he’s jogging daily (his son angrily told him that he doesn’t jog at all).  Once he denied jogging with me for a few blocks and stopping (we were all there) and my sister said, “He just has a different interpretation.”  Another time she came into a conversation in which he was bragging about his jogging and she again said that it was just his “interpretation”.  I pointed out that she didn’t hear the conversation, and she exclaimed, “Bob doesn’t lie!”  He told me, “We don’t need computers in my country.”  When I said that my younger friends ask me how I have the energy to stay up late when they’re too tired to, she said, “You just get up late.” (which is impossible, I told her, because the street traffic wakes me at 6AM.)

I once watched as he put his young daughter on a concrete ledge.  My sister said, “Don’t put her up there . . . She might fall off . . . Bob, it’d be fatal!” and he just kept saying, “It’s all right . . . She’ll be ok . . .” until my sister took her down.  He once forced my father to wait with him in the cold until Bob caught a fish, after which my father described his ordeal and said, “He’s an inconsiderate gotcha109 and I’ll never have anything to do with him.”, the only time I have ever heard my father curse anyone.  Twice Bob went into long speeches against me after I asked him, “I thought you had the directions.” and “Why don’t you build a big hot water tank?”  They later said that I was “mad because he didn’t know the directions.” even though I said I’m not, he did nothing wrong, and I’d be crazy to be mad at him.  He also said, “Charlie got mad because the shower ran out of hot water.”  I once hired someone to do some easy work (300 people answered my ad) and to not hurt their feelings said they could do the work if they wanted.  They later said that I was “mad because we didn’t do the work.”  He got into a fight and kicked someone in the stomach at work, saying that he was “proud of it”.  He says that fights show that he’s “not a chicken-****”.

At first my sister stammered and looked down in shame when she supported him.  “Hunting doesn’t hurt animals.” she said nervously to the family when he said that he was going to teach his son to hunt.  Eventually she started “standing tall” with him.  She gets a mean, contorted look on her face and shakes her finger as if disciplining me.  Then she started doing it without him.  “I know you think I just follow Bob.”, she’d say sternly, “I’m more conservative than him!”  She began to complain to our mother that I was fighting with him.  When I tried to hug her, she would jump away, once saying, “So you think you’re nice and I’m not?”  During the same visit, he said to me, “People who think they’re nice should ask others if they really are.”  She told my mother, “We try so hard to get along with Charlie.” and “I wish I felt closer to Charlie.”  When I said, “We never had any disagreements when we were little.”, she said, “Maybe I was afraid to speak up.”  I rarely responded because I didn’t want to fight with her.  Once I broke down and cried.

I gave my sister a message from a friend, Nora, who was with me on many visits: “Forgive Dan for what he did like a Christian is supposed to.  Get over it.”  My sister said, “I feel sorry for Nora.”  She refers to Bob’s “jogging program” so I asked her how many times she has seen him jog.  She said, “I don’t notice if he jogs.”  She prods me with speculation that I don’t jog very much anymore, I don’t have many customers, I’m just overly sensitive and I have his anger problem.  She says, “Don’t you?” as if she’ll be angry if I don’t agree.  When I asked for examples she said that I did it 100 times but when I ask for specifics she doesn’t remember anything about it.  She said, “If I had examples you’d just say you don’t remember it.”  I asked how she could remember it happening 100 times but can’t remember anything about it.  She said, “You’ll have to accept it.  I don’t lie.”  She also said that my shy wife deserved to have Bob shout at her (when I wasn’t there) and “understands” why he shook his fists at me when I said “Shh” to him.  I felt totally violated and became ill in my stomach.

Now when we are together at my mother’s home without him, and there is no mention of anything relating to him, my sister is somewhat happy and there are no disagreements.  She is not bubbly as she was as a child, but she is moderately affectionate to me.

Any references to what the Bible or writers say about this would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

[Soldier4Christ]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

First of all I want to ask you to please be more careful with your language even when you are quoting someone else.

It sounds like you are in need of a good family counselor. I suggest that if you don't have a church that you attend that you search for one and get some counseling with the pastor there. One on one is much better and more effective than seeking it out with people over the internet.

As I said it is difficult to counsel someone over the internet but from what I can gather from your post here is that you are quite upset with others judging of you. A person needs to be confident enough in themselves that no matter what someone else says that they can just let it go. Yes, it may hurt especially when it is someone that you care about. Still be confident enough in who you are that you don't let it effect your own actions or words and you can let it roll off your back. This is not to say that you shouldn't do anything at all about it. If they are lying about you then let your own actions and theirs to tell the truth instead of verbally objecting each and every time. Doing this will certainly cut down on the arguments and hard feelings from them.

Mat 18:21  Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Mat 18:22  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

I am not saying that this situation is all your fault. Rather it is usually that it is a little bit of fault of everyone involved.

[brotherinlaw]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

First of all I want to ask you to please be more careful with your language even when you are quoting someone else.

>Sorry, I just wanted to show the full truth.

It sounds like you are in need of a good family counselor. I suggest that if you don't have a church that you attend that you search for one and get some counseling with the pastor there. One on one is much better and more effective than seeking it out with people over the internet.

As I said it is difficult to counsel someone over the internet but from what I can gather from your post here is that you are quite upset

> Upset?  I am very hurt.  But I did not let it out as anger or being upset - I was always calm, truthful, gentle.  Was there something that I did that suggests anger or being upset?  They made the same comment, and it was always when he was very angry and I simply took it quietly.

with others judging of you. A person needs to be confident enough in themselves that no matter what someone else says that they can just let it go.

> Yes, I agree.  I always forgave them, visited them, brought presents and complemented them, on their home and family.  But still it continues and I wonder how I can make it stop.

Yes, it may hurt especially when it is someone that you care about. Still be confident enough in who you are that you don't let it effect your own actions or words

>Yes, I agree.  Was there something that I said or did that seemed otherwise?

and you can let it roll off your back. This is not to say that you shouldn't do anything at all about it. If they are lying about you then let your own actions and theirs to tell the truth instead of verbally objecting each and every time. Doing this will certainly cut down on the arguments and hard feelings from them.

Mat 18:21  Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? till seven times?
Mat 18:22  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.

I am not saying that this situation is all your fault. Rather it is usually that it is a little bit of fault of everyone involved.

> Yes.  And I still wonder if there is something I could have done differently that would have been better for me to do.

[Soldier4Christ]

Was there something that I did that suggests anger or being upset?

I could be wrong as it is difficult to tell such over the internet (hence the reason I say it is better to have one on one counseling)  but I did get that indication from your post. Even in person it is easy to have such perceived as being angry or upset even if you are not.

They made the same comment, and it was always when he was very angry and I simply took it quietly.

Sometimes it is best to avoid a subject altogether if all it does is to bring out anger in another person. We cannot change another persons perceived attitude if they do not want to accept anything else. In such a case it is best to turn it over to God and let it be.

But still it continues and I wonder how I can make it stop.

As I said, we cannot change others perception of things if they don't want to change. It is best to let God take care of it.

Was there something that I said or did that seemed otherwise?

Just because you are continually upset each time they make such comments. A person that is totally confident in who they are will not be as easily upset.

And I still wonder if there is something I could have done differently that would have been better for me to do.

Maybe. Maybe not. It would do no good to dwell on that but rather to give it over to God and to ask Him to guide you in the future.

[Brother Jerry]

I can add no more to the advice that PR has already given. 

Words are words and actions are actions.  People put more weight in what someone does than what they say more often than not.  If someone said you were a terrible business person...and you have been in business for years then obviously the person saying that does not know what they are talking about, or not speaking clearly as to what they really want to say. 

I can add my prayers and you have them freely.

[nChrist]

Hello Brotherinlaw,

WELCOME!

I think that you've already been given excellent advice, and I agree fully that Christian family counseling is needed.

The only other thoughts on my mind right now is to pray and ask God to help you and your family - and to never add fuel to a fire.

I hope you enjoy Christians Unite.

Love In Christ,
Tom