Looking for advice

[beesbuzzbest]

Hello everyone,

I've been reading these forums for a month or so and finally registered becuase I need advice, apologies if this is in the wrong forum, and more apologies for what might be a long winded first post.

I'm 32, and from the UK, and 2 beautiful children whom I love dearly.

However, it is one of my children that has brought me here for advice, specifically my eldest, who is 15.

I have alwasy tried to bring them up well, in accordance with good christian teaching, which as we all know can be extreemly hard in this day and age with all of the temptations that are placed in kids way, and I believe I did a good job in this.  But I've reached my wits end with her, as over the course of the last year I feel that I've begun to lose her, in spite of everything I do.  She is becoming more and more detached form me, listens to music that is quite frankly obscene (I try and prevent this but she simply gets copies from her friends) and is seemingly walking further and further away from a christian lifestyle with every step she takes.

The last straw is that she has become very close friends with a muslim boy at school, to the point where I think she views him as her "boyfriend".  I've let her know that this is unacceptable behaviour, but I know she is still seeing him at school.  I even think she may be doing this simply to try and "test" me, as I find it hard to believe she could have genuine feelings for a muslim boy.

So, does anyone have any advice to give, or has anyone been in a similar situation?  My faith is strong and absolute, but a teenage girl can surely test the strongest of believers!

Bea

[Soldier4Christ]

Hello Bea,

Welcome to Christians Unite forums. I'm glad that you decided to join in with us and I hope that we see more of your posts here. It is very important in this world that we have fellowship with other believers. It is equally important if not more so for our children. It is so easy for them to be led astray especially when they go to public schools where they must not only face peer pressure but where the teachers in most cases teach things that are against Jesus Christ.

I strongly suggest a good Christian councilor for teens, teaching of things in the Lord and lots of prayer. If your daughter is not involved in a good Christian church with a good program for teens then I suggest trying to do that also. A family time with prayers, Bible studies and discussion is also very important.

My prayers will be with you and your family.

[beesbuzzbest]

I've tried to get her into various youth programs but she simply isn't interested, how can I make her see what she is doing is wrong?  I understand that she may want to be friends with people of other faiths, and while I am dubious of this (15 is still an age where she may be open to hearing things that will take her away from a christian path, no?) I understand that it's hard to avoid.  But viewing a muslim as her "boyfriend"?  That can't be right, surely?  Or is she just testing me?

And what about music, TV and every other temptation the world has to offer?  How can I protect her from them?

[Soldier4Christ]

An old saying as worn out as it is does pertain here. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. We can do all that we are able to do but in the end the decision must be their's. If a young child is doing something dangerous, say getting ready to grab a burning log, we take them away from that burning log and with patience and love teach them why it is a danger to them. It is the same with the situation with your daughter. A burning flame is very pretty and the desire to reach out and grab it is very enticing. To do so though is very destructive. What would you do if your child attempted to reach out and grab that burning log? Would you allow them to do so if it meant that they would receive burns that would lead to their death? Or would you do all that you could to get between them and that burning log?

[Brother Jerry]

Roger is right. But no matter how much you want to get in the way and keep your child from touching that burning log that does not always quench the desire to touch that log.

What you are going through would be hard...and it makes me thank GOd each and every day for having 2 boys. 

I can only pray for you, and tell you that Roger is correct in finding councelling.  You should talk to your pastor as well and seek prayers and guidance from him. 

[beesbuzzbest]

I keep trying to put myself between her and that "burning log", but she keeps stepping round me.

[nChrist]

Hello Bea!

I see that you're new, so WELCOME!

I think that you've already been given some excellent advice. I give thanks that both of my children are raised, and they both turned out to be good Christians - one boy and one girl. In looking back, I'll have to say that 15 is a horribly hard age for young adults, regardless of what they have going on in their life. I had many times of prayer, especially when they were in that age range of expected problems. I'll simply give GOD all the credit for the way they turned out.

I was probably known as hard and demanding, and maybe there might be a few things to try in the area of TOUGH LOVE. I removed privileges and grounded them when they disobeyed my rules. I payed all of their bills, and I was determined to never pay for something against my rules. I might have been too hard, but it stayed that way until they left home and started paying their own bills. I was willing to help them financially as much as I could, but I was unwilling to help pay to get them into trouble. There were many things they wanted, and everything had a price tag on it. They did have two choices:  either obey my rules or pay their own bills. I'm certainly not talking about starving them, rather things like gasoline, tires, insurance, telephone, more expensive clothes, etc., etc., etc. It's amazing how much extra teens spend for things that ARE NOT necessities. It boiled down to us getting the grades and behavior we wanted before we were willing to spend any extra money. I must add that we were NOT wealthy, so my wife and I had to do without to provide some incentives.

I still think that what you've already been told is the best advice, but I hope you get a few ideas from my post. I sincerely hope that you enjoy Christians Unite, and I look forward to having fellowship with you. Your family will be in my prayers.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Christian Quotes 35 - In his life Christ is an example showing us how
to live, in his death, he is a sacrifice satisfying for our sins; in
his resurrection, a conqueror; in his ascension, a king; in his
intercession, a high priest. Martin Luther

[beesbuzzbest]

Well, that was (another) very trying weekend

I had told her she was grounded for the weekend, this was simply ignored, she stormed out on saturday lunchtime and didn't come home until late.

She refused to come to church with me on sunday, when I got back she had gone out again, and didn't come home until around 6pm.  She has refused to tell me who she was with.

Both times she came home she smelled of cigarette smoke

I'm at a loss as what to do.

[Soldier4Christ]

It is a difficult situation and one that can put a parent that truly loves their child in complete turmoil. I will continue holding you and your daughter in prayer, praying that the Lord will give you the right things to say and do and that your daughter's eyes will open to the destructive path she is heading down and will turn around to Jesus.

[nChrist]

Well, that was (another) very trying weekend :(

I had told her she was grounded for the weekend, this was simply ignored, she stormed out on saturday lunchtime and didn't come home until late.

She refused to come to church with me on sunday, when I got back she had gone out again, and didn't come home until around 6pm.  She has refused to tell me who she was with.

Both times she came home she smelled of cigarette smoke :(

I'm at a loss as what to do.

Hello Bea,

I hope you don't mind a few blunt comments. The daughter appears to be in charge of the house - not you.

Maybe you could make a list of things you pay for or provide and think about removing or shutting them off. Talk about it first and tell her that things are going to change, including who is in complete charge of the house. Money, telephone, and other extras should be talked about. We have a curfew law where I live, and it's actually against the law for children to be out without their parents after midnight. It involves a well-known and reasonable concept of needed supervision. The parents are the ones who are charged.

I might suggest that you call the police and ask to visit with your Zone Officer. You could even ask the Officer to talk to her. Ask for some ideas about what is available near your home in terms of counseling, juvenile services, support groups, etc. Taking control over your own house is definitely one of your highest priorities. There are many completely lawful things that can be done, and they all require considerable effort and determination on your part. It's worth the extra effort because you will be doing it for her. She could be headed for much worse problems that could be life-threatening, and things could escalate to criminal records.

In the meantime, we will be praying for you and your family.

Love in Christ,
Tom

Favorite Bible Quotes 61 - 1 John 5:10 He that believeth on the Son of
God hath the witness in himself: he that believeth not God hath made
him a liar; because he believeth not the record that God gave of his
Son.

[Shammu]

beesbuzzbest, I agree with what the others have said. I will also be praying for you, and your family.

[Maryjane]

Hi Bea and welcome to the forum.

The hardest time a parent will go through with their child is puberty.  Between the ages of 14 and 18 children search for their own identity.  It is their foundation that has alot to do with their choices in the long run.  Even though you do not recognize the foundation in your child, it is there and you have to keep the boundaries clear to them that they understand you as a parent that has given the boundaries. Many of their piers do not have boundaries and more important foundaton and I can't even imagine what the world is like for teens now as it is hard for adults.  But..I can tell you God isfaithful and what you have taught your child will come back to the child.  The most important thing to do is pray and pray and keep being a godly parent that enforces the boundaries of your home.

So gald you came to the forum..I will be praying for you and your child.

Mj

[beesbuzzbest]

Hello everyone, sorry to bump my old thread (I've not been on here for a while due to familly life being so hectic) but I thought I'd give an update as to what's been happening, hope nobody minds!

Well, it's been a difficult few months, but I think I've finally turned the corner with her.  I took peoples advice on board and took a long hard look at my relationship with my daughter and came to the conclusion (as people said on here) that the "balance of power" was completely the wrong way round.  I made it clear what I expected of her, and with the help of my church youth advisor we really seem to have made good progress.  She even went to see him on her own without me making her a couple of times!

She still sees the local muslim boy, but has admitted to me that he was never her "boyfriend" and that she had been deliberatly trying to wind me up over that.  She still has the odd late night out but is coming to church with me on Sundays, and no longer comes in smelling of cigarette smoke. I know she's not perfect, but for now that will do

So, good news overall, many thanks for all your prayers, they clearly worked!



Now, all I need to do now is stop my younger son playing his quite horrendous music so loudly, but I'll bore you all with that problem another time!

[Brother Jerry]

Amen.  Glad to hear that things are turning around.  I am sure that all of us here will continue to pray for you and your family.  If you could just tune your son into some good Godly music even in that category that he listens too...then maybe the volume would not be as much of an issue

[nChrist]

Hello Beesbuzzbest,

I'm happy to hear that things are going better. We will keep your family in our prayers.

It's hard being in that age group, and you should expect at least some minor problems. The big thing is for you to remain in charge and direct her. She will thank you for that when she gets a little bit older.

Love In Christ,
Tom

Favorite Bible Quotes - John 20:30-31 ASV Many
other signs therefore did Jesus in the presence of
the disciples, which are not written in this book:
31 but these are written, that ye may believe that
Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God; and that
believing ye may have life in his name.